Trust, truth and lost youth....

I'm feeling VERY old lately.
I'm talking decrepit.
When I get home at night all I want to do is lay down.
It's terribly pitiful actually AND to top it all off, I have absolutely NO desire for sex.
If I told you when the last time was that I had sex or even masturbated, you'd think I was lying.
Dead serious....

Yep...it's all getting old on me.
And honestly I don't give a shit.
There's a lot of not really caring too much about anything going on with me lately.
I'm not sure if it's a self preservation thing that's happening or if it's just a big old dose of bitterness enveloping me, but it's there.
And I don't like it...
Not at all...

We found out that Miss KIA has a tumor on her kidney. They don't think it's cancer but they can't be sure until they run more tests. I'm not breaking the news to her because she will absolutely flip the fuck out and she won't be able to concentrate in school or anything else. So we have decided to wait until she goes to the doctor and allow him to explain everything to her. You see, Miss KIA thinks I am a total moron and has no confidence in anything I say or do. So the doctor will be easier on her and allow her to not be so stressed and worried about it.

Guess I'll just have to fill you in on things as we learn about them...I don't know what else to tell you as we are still kind of in the dark too.

Do you ever wonder if someone is lying to you in order to save you from being hurt?
I'd rather have the truth than cling to hope based on a lie....
I think it's easier to hear the truth and let it burn you alive, then peel away the hurt like a layer of dead skin and start all over again.
I have been lied to all my life...broken promises...abandoned over and over again and believe it or not, those things hurt a lot more and for a lot longer time than the painful truth.
Just some food for thought, you know...things going through my head.

I want things to go my way but they never do...I'm going out on a limb here and guessing I'm not alone on this whole thing?
Who else is with me?
It would be nice though, wouldn't it? For thing to work out the way you imagine during those happy daydreams...

Yeah...it would be nice.

Probably impossible though.
I'm planning for the third degree burns when the truth comes pouring out like a scalding grease bath....

It's always good to expect misery. Then if someone happy actually hits you, it's a nice surprise...

Here's to everyone who's as old, cynical and depressed as me.




(Vodka numbs the pain a little...)