How do I even begin this post? It almost seems foreign to me, this typing down my thoughts stuff. To think that I used to sit down and let everything pour out...like a busted hose....wow.
I'm not as open to that right now.
In fact, it's the reason I'm writing today and the only reason for it.
I LOVE all of you.
And I appreciate the calls and emails and comments.
They mean everything to me.
But I'm still working at healing and part of that healing process for me is to withdraw from society.
I don't know why I'm wired that way, but I am.
I know it must be terribly frustrating to call and leave messages or email me and not hear back. I know you're worried. I'm so sorry. I try to think of something to say and I pick up the phone and I type up an email and I just don't know what to say. I love you but I don't want to talk...(to anyone) and I take a deep breath and think to myself, "It's time to reclaim your life again. Go on...do it!"
But I just can't.
Not yet.
Part of what caused this whole...I don't know...(breakdown?)...(emotional train wreck?)...was a trust issue. Someone that I thought I knew and I thought I could trust hurt me in a way I never thought possible.
And so I'm coping.
And I'm still dealing with it in the best way I can.
I don't know what else to say.
I miss you all.
And I miss myself.
Please don't worry and please don't ever think that I don't want anything to do with any of you. That's just not true. You are all wonderful friends to me and I treasure each and every one of you.
I'm just doing the best I can and unfortunately I'm not being a very good friend to anyone right now.
I know I should make more of an effort but no matter what kind of pep talk I give myself, I just can't make myself do anything.
And do you know what's the saddest part?
Because I'm forced to be out among the public, when I'm out there I find myself putting on a show. I'm funny and witty and smiling like the sun is trying to climb out my mouth...but inside I'm afraid and sad and there is no light...it's all just a heavy, heavy darkness that makes me want to zone out in front of the TV or sleep.
I just don't know.
That's all I can say....
I just don't know.
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I'm glad you're checking in here and there, as you feel comfortable.
ReplyDeleteWe miss you, but we understand. Everyone handles stuff differently.
Those who are emailing and calling do so because they love you and care. Maybe they aren't expecting calls back. They just want YOU to know, privately, that they are there for you. Whenever.
Take your time. We'll be here.
ReplyDeleteTime. It definitely takes time.
ReplyDeleteHealing takes time.
ReplyDeleteWe're patient folk.
Glad you checked in.
It's nice to see you hear, even if it makes me sad that you are going through so much heartache.
ReplyDeleteYou know, the act of writing down the bones always does wonders toward helping me bury them. Even if you don't do it here and nobody but you knows it's there. Buy a notebook and just get it out. It helps, honest.
I will wait as long as you need,just knowing your working on getting whole again made me smile.We all love and miss you but you tell us when your ready to comeback,an will be there
ReplyDeleteThanks for responding, BG, even though you may not want to. We miss you, but we understand. I appreciate knowing that you are still working on it. Hope you can get back here soon. We love you.
ReplyDeleteKeep working on the healing. Ummm... of course you know I'm going to continue being annoying, it's just what I do :) Hell, it's something I'm good at. We'll all be here when you feel ready.
ReplyDeleteAll right, what's going on here? DO NOT make me come to your house. If I come to your house, I'm going to do something to make you laugh. And then I'm never going to leave. If you are not healed up within the next two weeks, I am coming with my emergency surgery kit.
ReplyDeleteSorry for what happened, any help to move on, just contact me.
ReplyDeleteThanks for taking a moment to let us know how you are. When you are ready we are here for you.
ReplyDeleteNice to hear from you but it sounds like you need some professional help. Maybe even some drugs. Trying to do some things on your own can just suck even more sometimes. My daughter got married on June 28 of this year. She was devistated ONE month later. He had a girlfriend. She was in a divorce lawyer office last Tuesday and saw the "Talking Doctor" on Thursday. She said it helps.
ReplyDeleteWhat Nudeman40 says (and I never thought I would writing that.) Sometimes it helps to have someone to talk to and some pharmaceutical therapy doesn't hurt either. Really. I'm living proof.
ReplyDeleteRemember, bacon loves you. It's always there for you. And it's salty and crispy and yummy.
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel better.
oohh, I need some bacon now.
ReplyDeleteNOW.
and it's snowing and I don;t have any. :-(
There are no instructions or time lines on how to get over this sort of stuff. You just have to do what feels right to you at the time. And that will vary from day to day. The important thing is that you realize what is going on and acknowledge it. It only gets really scary when one does not even know they are having problems.
ReplyDeleteChin up...don't think any of us are going anywhere anytime soon. Thanks for checking in and keeping us posted.
So glad you checked in here - you can have some solace in the friendships that are still solid, and the outpouring of love you get here. Time does help things move into the past and out of sight, and then sometimes you have to charge right at the problem like a freight train. You will find your way.
ReplyDeleteHappy Thanksgiving...
ReplyDeletehappy turkey day nothing like a good food fight tonite
ReplyDeleteHappy Thanksgiving...hope you are healing!
ReplyDeleteYo, BG. Long time, no visit.
ReplyDeleteSorry to read about the shit you're in - but wish you the best and hope you come back stronger than ever.
Like Bull. Strong like bull.
But a chick bull.
Which I guess would be a cow.
Forget I started this.
anything you want for x-mas??? maybe someone needs an asswoopin? anything at all? just checking.
ReplyDeleteJust checking in....wave hello once in a while so we know you're alive, 'k?
ReplyDeleteOkay, I'm on my way up there to perform a brainectomy. You'll be good as new afterwards....
ReplyDelete