I must be delicious....

Do I have a sign on my forehead that says "SUCK ME?"
The emotional vampires in this world LOVE me and they are relentless.
I attempt to disentangle myself from them but they keep coming in droves.
I'm getting pretty fucking sick and tired of it.
The whole irritating thing is turning me into a goddamn bitch.

I need this....


If it weren't for alcohol, I'd be unbearable to be around.
Yeah...

Speaking of sucking me...my nipples of death busted out yet another damn bra. Holes in the same place. Is it just me or is that fucking weird?

I've been in a strange mood lately.
I float in between ecstatic and pissed off.
Maybe it's my medicine?
Or maybe I'm just crazy?
Or both?

I'm horny.
Mr.Man's back is bothering him so that means no "Boinga Boinga" for the past couple of days and I'm sure that's not helping with the being pissed off thing.
Oh yeah...I could restrain him and take what I want but then he wouldn't be able to walk and that would be the major suck!


"What happened to him?"
"He said his wife was so damn bitchy he had to fuck her to shut her up and now he can't walk."

Suck...suck...suck...suck....

For some bizarre reason I enjoy saying that today.
Weird.

I went out for work yesterday and revisited some of the potential customers.
In fact I spent almost 40 minutes just shooting the shit at one place.
It made me wonder...are men just as big gossipers as women are accused of being? Cause these dudes were chatting it up...
We talked about Miss KIA going to college. That opened a FLOOD GATE of conversation. A couple of the guys talked about going to college for a year or so and then dropping out because they partied too much.
That was entertaining...but my favorite story about college was about someone else's niece.
He said she'd gotten really good grades in school and was always a real good girl. Then she went to college.
Let's see...how did he say it again?
Oh yeah...

"She went to college and them legs flew open and that was the end of that."


"I'm in college now! Come get it boys!"

The statement had me in stitches...but the look of horror on the boss' face that the guy had said that in front of me was good too.
Of course it didn't bother me, but I think he was worried because I'm a lady...hahahaha....me...a lady!

BWAHAHAHAHA!
Yeah..they don't know me. They were just going on appearances.

I have been cleaning in my house, HOPING AND PRAYING it will end soon.
I don't think that's going to happen.
For every room I get finished in, another room is reinfested with someone's SHIT BECAUSE THEY'RE FUCKING LAZY!!!!

See?
I told you I'm becoming a goddamn bitch.

Our neighbors are sex maniacs.
We hear her moaning in pleasure ALL THE TIME!
It's funny to see them out knowing what they're doing inside EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! (I'm so jealous...)
EVERY NIGHT! GOD...SOME PEOPLE HAVE ALL THE DAMN LUCK!

Anyway...when we see them out, Mr.Man and I can't help but stare at them. I know it's mean but we are losers who make fun of people sometimes.
It's just that she must go all of 250 or 275 and she is shorter than me (I'm 5'5"). she wears her hair pulled tight in a bun or pony tails, flat against her head (which is not a flattering look for her)and she dresses and acts like she's a kid.
Then her husband is skinny and scroungy looking. He looks like he's just gotten out of prison (which might explain the nightly fuck fest) but you know...they just look mismatched.

Can you picture this....


"Wheee! I dress and act like I'm twelve!"


And this....


"I told them I wanted a different picture of me to put on the sex offenders registry!"

Doing this?


"OH GOD! I can't breathe!!!"

I'm sorry...it freaks me out a little, ok?
Maybe he's the one who's moaning?...ahhh....can't...breathe....pant...pant...moan...

I know...I'm going to hell. I think we've established that already.
Well anyway...I'm going to get caught up on my blog reading.
I've had to practically tie people up to get on the computer so it's been tough. Miss KIA is home all the time now, so she pretty much hoards the computer during the day.

THAT SUCKS!

Think of me every time you hear the word suck today, ok? I'm sure it will make you smile...hahahaha.

The homicidal hermit with headlights...

Sometimes I hate people.
Yeah...I know.
I'm normally such a lover and all that bullshit.
But occasionally I just feel like hiding out and being anti-social.


"Lalala...I think I'll just sit here and stare into space."

It's just that sometimes people do stupid shit JUST to piss me off.
I swear they do.
I know it's a fucking plot or something...
Like for instance...
The Jesus Police on the street...they say stupid shit just to piss me off.

Yesterday I'm standing out front with Miss KIA, trying to take pictures of her before graduation and they walk over to us and strike up a conversation.
There's nothing wrong with that, except instead of just congratulating Miss KIA and making small talk, they ask me if I've noticed that the neighbor across the street has had her "girlfriend" staying with her lately.

Um......

I politely said, "Yes, and since I'm not a socially retarded, small minded, brainwashed idiot, it doesn't bother me."

I FUCKING HATE THEIR IGNORANT, HOLIER THAN THOU, JUDGMENTAL VIEWS!
Sometimes, it makes me so angry, I see white spots flashing in front of my eyes.

Meh...anyway, they snorted at me (which I also fucking hate) and walked away.

Good.
I hope they'll leave me the hell alone now.

I can't find a new bra to replace the one that broke.
It was my favorite.
I'm really pissed and annoyed about it.
Actually the only real problem with it is that there are holes in it. Right where the nipples are. It's like my nipples drilled a hole through the fabric or something.
Maybe I could be a super hero?


"A safety bra to contain my nipples at night and prevent my from accidentally killing Mr.Man in his sleep."

"THE BLONDE GODDESS AND HER NIPPLES OF STEEL!"
ABLE TO DRILL THROUGH MOUNTAINS! SLICE THROUGH CONCRETE LIKE IT'S BUTTER! POKE THE LIFE OUT OF THE JESUS POLICE IN A SINGLE FLOP!

Damnit I'm a sick woman...like I'd ever really touch any of those people with my boobs.

I cleaned out cupboards today and was amazed at how many stupid boxes of crackers I have.
It was like 7 boxes or something. And there was only one sleeve in each box. It makes me wonder what the hell my kids are thinking sometimes. I don't understand why they do stupid shit like that. And the cereal thing...they leave like a 1/4 cup of cereal in the box.
WHAT THE FUCK?
It makes me want to poke the stupid out of their heads with my nipples of mammary destruction...

I'm not sure why I'm writing in here except that I felt like griping. I know it's not the best time for me to be writing because face it, who wants to listen to people bitch?
But...it was either bitch in here or get drunk and naked and possibly run through the neighborhood tonight.
Honestly I don't think it's a good idea for the Jesus Police to see my secret weapons.


"DON'T MAKE ME UNLEASH THESE THINGS!"

I'm reading several very good books right now. I always have two or three books going at the same time but it's never a problem. This time though, I have two of them that I can't put down. I will probably finish both of them today. I'm half way through and I can't get enough of them.

I love when that happens.
I get bored easily so it's nice to have something captivate my attention like that.

I kind of feel better now that I've written (even if it was just to bitch) so I'm going to shower and go pick up some steaks. I have some cold beers chilling in the fridge and I think I'll whip up a few salads.
Or maybe I'll have fish.
That sounds good to me....


"After a six pack of beer, the Blonde Goddess decides to have fish."

Sounds like a good way to spend my Sunday, don't you think?
Ok.
I'm done for now.
Call me if you need any drilling done. I can't drill very deep but give it a few more years and my boobs will get longer. I bet I'll be able to hit oil when I'm fifty.

Thank god.
I really don't want the kids to put me in a home. I'm going to need the money.

I think there's a reason grown ups don't play with dolls....

When I was looking through facebook for old friends from school, I stumbled across a friend of mine who used to love Barbies as much as I did.


"There's nothing quite like Barbie love..."

She and I would literally have Barbie marathons, setting up houses and playing for DAYS on end.
It was insane....but it got me thinking about the dolls I had and the hours of fun they provided me with.

Of course back then,we played all the silly little girl housey-housey stuff with our Barbies.
I was a big fan of using my Barbies to play things like the Partridge Family or the Brady Bunch. But I wasn't confined to those kinds of plots.
My imagination was limitless...

I was an Archie's fan. Not only did I have tons of the comics, but my mother was kind enough to bribe one of her man-friends to buy me the Archie, Betty, Veronica and Jughead dolls. (Reggie was sold out or not available...I can't remember.)


"Hey Betty, where's Veronica?"
"Hmmmm I must have run over her on the way here...gee. That's too bad."

I loved those stupid looking dolls.
I used them to rectify the terrible injustice of Archie treating Betty like shit while Veronica always had the upper hand.Let me tell you, I put a lot of effort into making sure that Betty was Archie's number one woman. If I'm not mistaken, I think I stuck Veronica with Jughead and made them kiss often (giggling with glee no doubt after rewriting a plot straight out of one of my many Archie's comic books.)

Of course it was all innocent but can you imagine if I had those four dolls today?
Moog already knows what I'm going to say on account that we have discussed this very thing...heh heh heh...

Being the way I am, the first thing I would have to do is rename my dollies to better suit their rolls.

Archie would become "Arch Me"...a red headed sex fiend hell bent on screwing anything that would allow him. I mean, come on here...he was a "playah" in all the comics.


He played both girls and still chased after more women.

Betty...(because she's my favorite) would become "Butty"...an anal sex freak who isn't afraid to try something new and crazy. Yeah...she seemed a little reserved in the comic books, always allowing Veronica to walk all over her, but deep down, she was just waiting for the right man to unleash her inner nympho...

"Oh Arch Me...you've unleashed my inner nympho!"

Veronica...the uptight, demanding bitch that she was, would become "Vagonica" because of her insistence that sex only be done in the missionary position with the lights out. Think about it and you'll realize how on target I am with this...

"You want me to put it in my mouth? That's disgusting!"

As for Jughead, well I'm thinking that his obsession with food was actually a mechanism to mask his sexuality confusion. That's why he would become "Just Head". He actually ate to try to deny his feelings for other men and even attached himself to Ethel...a woman we all know was crazy about him but definitely safe for him to use as a pretend girlfriend.

"This is just not exciting me...at all."

So...if I were to have the same dolls today, they would be renamed and the roles would be entirely different than they were in my younger days...

Arch Me would attempt to get Vagonica to have sex with him, but he would soon grown tired of her and find Butty, stimulating and exciting.
Just Head would drop subtle hints to Arch Me and because Arch Me is a man whore, he'd probably give old Just Head some action (although I'm sure he'd be pitching and not catching...)

Who knows?
Maybe Butty and Arch Me could convert old Vagonica and make a freak out of her in time.

Er...anyway....

And of course Just Head would be free to explore his sexuality without fear of being targeted. He would be able to find a partner he truly cared about....Or explore his dreams and live up to his potential...


"I've always wanted to be one of the Village People. I just can't decided which one."

Anyhow, I'm sure you've all seen a whole new twisted side of me now.

I just like to keep you guessing....

Honestly I don't know where these thoughts come from....



I think I'd better lay off the tequila.
What do you think?

And it all got another year older and some parts got longer....meh.

I woke up this morning and rushed to the bathroom to look at myself naked in the mirror.
Sure enough, my boobies were a little longer (yes, I said longer) than they were yesterday.
My flabby belly flap from having four kids was just a little more flappy and my thighs look like hamburger stuffed into a pair of pantyhose.


"I really need to shave my legs...."

On the bright side of things, my shaved off eyebrow is coming back in and my ass still looks ok.
The face is holding up pretty good too. I guess I can't complain.

Wanna know the weirdest part?

I feel better about myself than I did when I was 23.

Who would have thought that 20 years ago, when I was firmer, smaller, younger and had more energy (mainly because I hadn't had the remaining three kiddos yet) I wasted a lot of my life worrying about stupid things that don't matter?

I actually found a picture of my on my twenty third birthday....



Pretty ain't it?

In spite of the wild hair and stupid grin on my face I really did stress myself out over stupid shit.
Now?
I don't sweat the small stuff...or at least I try not to.
As I've gotten older I've come to realize the difference between the things that matter and the things we "think" matter.
Oh yeah...I've also learned how to forgive myself.I'm more forgiving of my imperfections.
I guess that's the best benefit of getting older.

I know I haven't been blogging much lately but between Miss KIA's graduating and trying to clean my house for painting, it's been crazy.
So today I decided to take it easy and give myself a birthday present and blog.
(I do miss it when I don't get to do it you know.)

I was considering baking myself a birthday cake but I've decided to go with jello instead....



Who needs cake when there's vodka?

Anyway, the old Blonde Goddess here isn't the only one who was born on this wonderful day in history.
Good old Stew Magoo was born on the same day as me.
And Brenda Love was born yesterday.
Normally I suck at doing shout outs for birthdays but today I will do both Brenda and Stew and send you both their way.
Give 'em some lovin won't you?

Here's to both of them!



Anyway, that's all I have time for. I need to shower and I may have to work today. I won't know until they call so I have to be ready.
If things slow down then I will address my two awards that I got recently. One from John and the other from BuzzardBilly.
(I am so undeserving of awards...I honestly am...)

So with that said, have a great day and be sure to drink a toast or eat some toast in my honor. I've survived 43 years without being institutionalized and people, THAT is worth celebrating!

My baby is graduating!

I haven't had time to write this week.
There have been too many interruptions and too many things to do.
As you all know, I've been trying to work a little, clean my house and get some things ready for a yard sale and do all the running for Miss KIA.

Miss KIA.
I can't believe she is going to be graduating and leaving for college.

That blows my mind.

It just seems like yesterday that she was a little girl, running through the house taking her shirt off...



See?
She does take after me a little bit...(even though she doesn't want to admit it.)

It's tough to let your children grow up, you know?
I've been through this before with Freya, but that was nine years ago.I wasn't ready for this.

Miss KIA is ready though.
She is so excited.
I can remember how excited she was when we bought a set of encyclopedias.
Yes...encyclopedias.
I even have a picture of her that I took because I couldn't believe how happy it made her.



She was a cute little shit, wasn't she?

I'm really struggling with her moving out and being on her own.
I suppose it's because I'm so used to taking care of her and always being there when she needs me.
I don't know...I guess I'm just having the normal mommy feelings.

Of course Miss KIA has always been independent.
When she was nine, she went to 4H camp and didn't bat an eye when I left. The other girls she went with cried for their parents every night, but not her.
Heck....she didn't even open the letters or mail I sent her.
Then you have Veggie Stick and Little Beatle who wouldn't go on any out of town trips because they'd be away from their mommy.
Veggie Stick says she's never moving out...eek!

Yeah...Miss KIA has always been independent. She's been content to spend time alone, doing her own thing.



*sigh*

Anyway, I just wanted to check in and let you know what's been going on and where my head is at.

My baby has grown up....



How did it go by so fast?

Mother's Day weekend! (At least I kept my clothes on in public!)

Hello.
I am the Blonde Goddess.
I do insane things when I drink Margarita's.

Yes...I seem normal at the beginning of the evening...almost tame in fact...



See? Fully dressed and being relatively good.
But then....one Margarita, two Margarita's, three Margarita's and I'm feeling a lot more happy....

Hey...at least I'm not the only one feeling happy.

Hmmm...how about some shots of tequila?
SURE! WHY NOT?
Eh....this is probably why not...


"Why am I still dressed?"

So we leave the restaurant and go to the dog track.
Where I decide it's a good idea to drink beer!
Yep...beer and more beer.
Thankfully you're not allowed to take pictures at the dog track, but of course we go to the bathroom and break the rules a little...


"We are SOOO hammered. Let's break the rules!"

Of course the mere thought of breaking the rules makes me hot....so I try to cool off.


Of course it's not really helping so I get a little assistance....



There! Much better!

Actually I did feel much better....until I got home. Then the bed spun and everything spun and that's all if took.
I made a couple of trips to worship the porcelain goddess.



Then after passing out, I spend the entire day with a HORRIBLE headache and an upset stomach.

I am SO smart...LOL

Ah...well it's going to be a LONG time before I get that wasted again. I'm not even kidding.

Hope you enjoy the pictures of me humiliating myself as much as my friends did. They'll be laughing at these for months to come.

See ya tomorrow!

As she raised her one good eyebrow her boobs exploded out of her shirt

I had another accident while trying to beautify myself.
Yes...I shaved most of my eyebrow off again.
The right side is almost completely gone.

HOW DOES SHIT LIKE THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?


"I don't know why these things keep happening to you Blonde Goddess, but don't I look pretty?"

And no...I was not intoxicated when I was trimming my eyebrows. In fact I was stone sober AND I was fully awake.I had no vibrating devices in my pants to distract me (like the last time this happened) AND the area was well lit.

I just put the wrong attachment on.
The short side instead of the long side.
Then ZIP...I was one eyebrow short.


"Well into her eighties, the Blonde Goddess still regretted the day forty years earlier when she accidentally shaved off her eyebrow."

So this was the look I sported when going out to sell for my former boss the other day.
And as if that wasn't bad enough, I totally walked into one place with half my chest exposed without realizing it.


"The special sales tactic that spells success!"

The good ole boy at the counter gave me the once over but that's normal. Unless some guy is gay or blind, he's going to look so I didn't think about it.
Then he spoke...

Good ole boy #1: What can I do for you today missy?

Me: Would Jay be available?

Good ole boy #1: Nope! He's left for the day. I reckon he'll be back tomorrah though.

Me: Well would it be possible to see someone else in the shipping department?

Good ole boy #1: I'll take a look-see for ya.

Good ole boy #2 appears and gives me the once over.

Good ole boy #2: I can't really help ya out darlin, but you can come back tommorah.

Me: Ok. Thank you for your time. I'll be back tomorrow. Is there a time you'd prefer for me to come back?

Good ole boy #2: Nope! Come on back anytime. You can even wear that shirt again, if you want. You sure are puttin a strain on that button though, aren't ya?

Me: (Looking down and finally noticing that my boobs are hanging out of my shirt.) Thank you. I'll be back tomorrow. (Smiling, I button my shirt and then walk out, TRYING to muster a little dignity.)

WHAT I REALLY wanted to do was jump up on the counter and yell at them good ole boys, "WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU FUCKSTICKS? HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN TITTIES BEFORE?"


"The only titties we ever seed wuz our mama's and the sow hog Lulu's."

Of course that would have probably ruined my chance of a sale, so I'm glad I controlled myself.
Zoloft is a miracle drug.
Seriously.

So today, I get to visit the good ole boys again and perhaps expose my breasts to them once more.
Eh...fuck it.
I'm wearing a top without buttons in the front.
They already got a show goddamnit.

*sigh*

That's it for now. I need to shower and get dressed.

Does anyone else have any embarrassing experiences to share like that?
I'd like to know.
I mean, I can't be the only one eyebrowed, half dressed woman in the world, right?

Who knows?
Maybe Mr.Man will bring me home a present tonight.



Heh...heh...heh...

I is talented...maybe. Cuz I can draw and stuff like that....

I am completely in awe of this new spare tire thingy that's attached itself to me.
WHAT THE FUCK?
Mr.Man had the BALLS to suggest that it's from my alcohol consumption.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?
Sooo....if that's the case I guess I'm going to have to give something up to get rid of this roll of fatty flesh that's wrapped itself around me in a death grip of "HA!HA! YOU CAN'T BUTTON THAT SHIRT ANYMORE" torture.

I will simply just have to stop eating.
From now on, the Blonde Goddess will live on liquids.
That should fix things...


"The Blonde Goddess breakfast of champions!"

Last week during the internet drought, I spent my time working on Little Beatle's play.
Of course we had been working on it for several weeks prior as well. With only Mr.Man and I and two other people doing the majority of the work, it took a long time. But in the end I think it was worth it. The play was good and the kids did a good job.

In addition to the prop making work, I also got suckered into helping with the kids during the play.
Those little bastards are hellions!
When you tell them to be quiet, they actually increase their volume.
I finally had to resort to spraying them with Febreeze every time they spoke.
This one dopey-assed kid was literally soaked by the end of the first play and smelled like Febreeze the rest of the week.
Why spray them with Febreeze you ask?
It's illegal to beat, restrain or cage the little beasts.
The Febreeze kept me out of jail and it worked.

Here's a few pictures of our hard work....


This is the book we made. It opens to reveal a scrim covered panel that the boy who played the beast could transform through, like a shadow,instead of in person. The effect was entirely awesome!


This is the village scene. We sketched and then painted on the material.


This is one of the four barren trees we made out of foam board for the winter scene.


This is Maurice's wood chopping machine,made out of an old cart and some foam board.


This is the cottage. It's made from foam board. It's reversible to show the outside and inside scenes.


This is the castle scene. It's unfinished here.I was still working on the bookcase and Mr.Man was still working on the other wall of the castle, but you get the idea.


Little Beatle played Chip, which meant I had to make something for him to wear. So using an upside down lampshade and some other materials, I made him a teacup to wear on his head or to place on the tea cart for him to pop up through....


By the last night of the play (5 performances) the teacup was looking a little rough...


"There's something fishy going on here"
Mr.Man made fish for the fishmonger out of foam board. Actually there were a lot of things made out of foam board but the fish is the only thing I got a picture of.

At the end of the week, I was pooped.


"The Blonde Goddess forgets which end the pantyhose goes on due to exhaustion."

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go...

BWAHAHAHA!