Childbearing sack of distress, I banish thee!

I am VERY disappointed in all of you!


"The Blonde Goddess was so disappointed no amount of vodka could console her."

Jasmine is winning by four points!
FOUR FUCKING POINTS!
You know...I don't ask for much.
I just wanted to prove a point...a very VALID point I might add, about the sexy princess factor and why my choice of Sleeping Beauty was the best choice.



Look at the figure on her! She's a blonde like me! I don't understand why you all can't see it.

Meh....
It annoys me.
Of course it probably doesn't help that I started my curse this morning.
THIS FUCKING MORNING!!!!
Mr.Man is coming home tonight!!!!
I haven't screwed his brains out...er...I mean SEEN him since Sunday! That's a LONG TIME!!!!

So I am in a bitchy mood.
And you know how it goes...you start the curse and your hormones get all insane on you...


"I HATE HAVING MY PERIOD! I JUST SHAVED YESTERDAY! LOOK AT ME!AND I'M BLOATED!"

There are a lot of women who don't look forward to menopause, but you know what?
I'm ready for it.
I am so ready to be done with the whole childbearing thing that you wouldn't even believe it.
I squirted out four kids.
I did my part.
I've stretched my body out four times like a blowfish under attack and I'm ready to stop the monthly suffering.


"I BANISH THEE UTERUS! GO! GO AND NEVER COME BACK! LEAVE NOW! FALL OUT AND CRAWL AWAY!"

Yes...I would definitely say that I'm ready to put an end to my monthly visitor.

Of course the neighbors probably wouldn't like it, but you know what?
I don't give a shit.
Like they would approve of anything I do anyway.


"It's terrible Janice. I can't even have my mother-in-law visit. That blonde woman dances around her fire pit in the back yard...in the nude! And she's drunk!"

Yeah...yeah...whatever.
So they get one weekend off a month because I'm suffering through my period.
They should quit their damn bitching.
It gives them something to talk about AND makes for an abundance of prayer requests.I bet they're the most popular Jesus police in their churches. I bet even the preacher waits with anticipation to see what the prayer requests are going to be every Sunday morning.

They need me dammit!
I serve a purpose in their lives and they don't even know it.

Well anyway, I'm going to have to stop writing in here and eat some chocolate. If I don't do something to soothe the savage beast my womanly parts have unleashed, I could end up getting myself in trouble.


"Hand over the Midol and case of beer NOW! I don't care what the warning labels say! And what the hell is wrong with the way I look? I will HURT YOU!"

I bet Mr.Man is going to be happy to come home to this, dontcha think?

Vote for Sleeping Beauty....PLEASE???

Make a fragile little Blonde Goddess happy, won't you?

Yes...I said fragile...

Shut up!

I'm probably gonna burn for eternity...just saying.

I am not a bad person...not in an evil kind of bitch "just for the sake of being a bitch" way....

I just have "different" ways of looking at things.
Maybe I can be naughty sometimes...let's leave it at that then, shall we?


"The Blonde Goddess defiantly stops writing on the board, daring someone to spank her naughty ass!"

So yesterday I'm on my way to the pharmacy to pick up some medicine...
MEDICINE! NOT LIQUOR.(just thought I should throw that in there, you know...just to prove my innocence.)
As I'm pulling into the parking lot, I see this couple sitting in a car across from me, their mouths are going a hundred miles an hour and so are their hands. Their fingers are flying and they're beating their chests and pointing at their heads, hearts, mouths...you name it.
I'm thinking, "What the fuck?"
And here's where the "I'm headed straight to hell part comes in..."

The first thing I do is look at their license plate...
Cause I'm thinking maybe they're French Canadians.
Now I hope the French Canadian police don't come down on me, but where I used to live, the French Canadians who'd come to the U.S. were very expressive when they'd talk. Most of the women resembled Amy Winehouse having an epileptic seizure when they talked.
It was pretty damn scary, if you want the truth.
Now I'm not saying that ALL French Canadian women look like that OR act like that. I'm saying that a majority of them that lived near the border in northern Maine, looked like that and acted like that.


"Tabarnak Jean-Paul! They don't serve poutine here!"

I've seen women who look and act the same way where I live now, OK? (just not so many in the same place at one time like in Maine.)

ANYWAY...

I looked at the license plate and it was a local plate. So I rolled down the window of my car to listen to the conversation. I mean, I figured that maybe they were French Canadian and maybe they'd been living here for awhile.

What I hear was not French or even broken English smattered with a heavy French accent.

What I heard resembled the shrieking of dolphins.

It was a deaf couple and they were fighting.
Have you ever witnessed such a thing before?
I hadn't and that's why I'm packing for my hell trip as soon as I finish this post.

Hope I have enough sun screen....

Yes...I am SO going to hell.

"You are SO going to hell with me Blonde Goddess! Thus sayeth the Devil-Dolphin!"

Seriously, I deserve it.

I went to the grocery store yesterday too.
I discovered that some old men are immune to the shitty finger of death.
BASTARDS!
It took me fifteen minutes to get around some old douchebag who felt it was necessary to inspect every fucking carton of eggs before choosing one.
WAS HE WAITING TO SEE IF THEY'D HATCH? WHAT THE HELL?


"So this old dude keeps staring at me and I can see him through the shell. I'm thinking there's no way I'm coming out while he's there! A total freakazoid!"

I attempted the shitty finger of death trick to see if I could get him to move but the old son-of-a-bitch just raised an eyebrow and snorted so the nostril hair in his nose came curling out at me.

Now THAT was nasty looking...bleh.

Speaking of nasty things...
What's the matter with you people?
Did you not understand the whole point of my blog yesterday?
Why in fuck's sake is Jasmine winning in the poll over there?
Did you not see the little picture with her making slut eyes at Jafar, telling him that the old "magic carpet ride" got old?


Are you BLIND? When you put the two side by side, the choice should be clear!

Whatever....men apparently don't want a hot,sex machine who's willing to get freaky but is totally devoted to her one man.

Hmpft!

At least Belle only has one vote....heh...heh...Moog.

I'm done for today. I'm feeling the need to eat lunch and then sit and stare blankly into outer space for awhile.
Last night's left over stir fry veggies sounds like a good lunch to me!

(Sleeping Beauty....Sleeping Beauty....Sleeping Beauty....)DO IT!

Fight for domination! Princesses give it your best shot!

Moog posted a VERY disturbing blog last week.
IN it he admitted he had a "thing" for Belle.
BELLE!!!!
He included Pocahontas in the mix but technically she's not considered one of the princesses...
See?



She ain't in the picture....

So getting back to Belle.
She looks like she's fourteen years old.
Jesus Christ Moog.


"He loves me, he loves me not. I wonder if Moog is thinking about me too?"

Besides, when she does lose her virginity, it's going to be to the beast.His schlong is probably barbed and spiked and all that freaky shit. What guy can compete with that?
She'll never be satisfied with a normal dick after that.
PLUS, she still throws tantrums and pouts when she doesn't get her way.
What guy wants to deal with that?


"I'm going to hold my breath until you let my father out of the cage!"

See? That's just plain old stupid. The beast has locked up her father so they can fool around and he can show her what his awesomely endowed penis can do, and the dumb bitch is throwing a tantrum.
I just don't get it...

Then Malach left me a comment yesterday that he likes the Little Mermaid.
The Little Mermaid?
First of all, she smells like fish.
There's no getting around that fact.


"I don't know what to do! I've douched at least a hundred times but the smell won't go away!"
"Don't worry about it. Malach can always mask that smell with tartar sauce."

And furthermore, the flopping tuna hole is dumb.
Who fucking combs their hair with a fork?


"Oooo...I can make myself pretty!"

I don't even want to know what she does with a spoon.
And what's up with that Flounder dude? Am I the only one who wonders about that whole deal?
Strange...
I mean come on here...

Now, not all of them are dumb.
A couple of them are just sluts.

Take Jasmine.
She's got it all....riches, a castle, a title, a fabulous body...BUT she's not happy. She wants more.


"I'm so bored!"

I just think she's fucking spoiled rotten.
So what man wants a chick like that? You know she's going to end up whoring around on you.

"You know how it is...the magic carpet ride got old after awhile."

Yeah...whatever...slut.

Then you got Snow White.
Snow White is smart.
She leaves her options open...keeps seven guys around for her fucking pleasure and makes no excuses for it.


"Who wants to go first? Me SO horny!"

Yeah...Snow White would be a good choice except for one thing...
She can't suck a dick.
Seriously.
This chick choked on a piece of apple.


A SMALL piece of apple.
She took a bite of it and choked.
Yeah, she's a freak in the sack, but she can't give a decent blow job.
So...if you're a guy who doesn't particularly care about getting your dick sucked, then she could be the woman for you.

Now, let's talk about Cinderella.
There's not denying that she's a hard worker and she's make a great wife. But she's not exactly a knock out, ok?



Now there's nothing wrong with being plain. I'm plain.
But Cinderella just doesn't seem to give a shit.
She can't even throw herself together for a ball. Some fat old chick had to come and dress her up. What the hell?


"I really have my heart set on glass slippers, ok?"

I'm sorry but a broad who needs that much help fixing herself up for her man AND who longs for things as impractical as glass slippers, is NOT going to bend herself into a pretzel in the sack.
She's probably going to suck in bed...and not the good kind of sucking either.

Which leaves us with the last princess....my favorite and soon to be yours...Sleeping Beauty.

Yes, Sleeping Beauty is a little older, but that means she's experienced.
She knows what she wants to goes for it.


"So what do you think darling? Like what you see?"

Now that's my kinds of woman!
A woman who's not afraid to lift up her skirt and show a man her kitty...while giving him the "make my kitty purr" look.
That's more like it!

And as if that's not enough, she's not afraid to experiment and get her freak on...


"Do me from behind baby!"

Yes, Sleeping Beauty is definitely a vixen and always ready to hop in the sack with her man.
Why wouldn't she be considered the favorite princess?


"Let's get freaky Phillip!"

I don't know...it's your choice but seriously, why wouldn't you want a woman like Sleeping Beauty?
Go ahead and vote for your favorite princess over on my poll and then leave me a comment letting me know who your favorite is and why.
I'd like to hear a few arguments in favor of your favorite princess in the event it's not Sleeping Beauty, which would be CRAZY, but whatever.

I'll be back tomorrow....I got to get caught up on my blog reading.

You know what to do....

The second part of Tiff's interview with me is up.

Go read it and if you skipped the first day, then go back and read that too, dammit!

Sorry but I don't have time for a post today. I have five THOUSAND things to do and I feel half insane from it.

I'll return tomorrow with a few good reasons you should vote for MY favorite Disney princess...

DAMN YOU MOOG!

There...now go read Tiff's hard work. Interviewing me was traumatic for her. I ramble and undress when people talk to me. It's difficult to concentrate.

See you tomorrow!

I was violated and probed...and it was FUN!

Last night I was interviewed by Tiff.
Yes...
She probed my inner depths for juicy secrets and juicy secrets she found!


Hell, if I had only known I'd have lubricated myself before the interview.
My ass STILL hurts, among other things.

Anyhow, she's informed me that there was enough for a couple of days worth!
That's a lot of fucking information about me....PERSONAL shit too!

Sooo...go on over to Tiff's and check out the first part. I know you want to.

You might be surprised at what you learn....


And just so you know...I don't have any money so blackmail is NOT an option...

One more thing before I go.
I have a bone to pick with Moog.
About the Disney Princesses.
I'm building my case over the weekend...

I WILL HAVE JUSTICE!

I'll be back Monday...try to behave while I'm gone, ok?

Kitties lick themselves but hairballs make me hurl...

Meh...
I can't even think.
Well I'm trying but honestly I'm preoccupied.
I'm actually worried about a lot of stupid shit I have no control over.
Yeah...yeah.



Stop worrying.
It's easier said than done.
I am feeling a little better than I did earlier this morning.
I have listened to the song that always makes me feel better....although I have no idea why it does...it just does.

This is it...


I posted a new photo album on my Facebook too. Yes, I have an evil Facebook account.I have succumbed to the madness, but you know...I'm crazy like that.

On a happier note I got an award from John.



Ain't it purdy?

The award is:
a dedication for those who love blogging and love to encourage friendships through blogging...
AND
to seek the reasons why we all love blogging.

Seriously....
I love blogging.
I blog because no one else listens to me.
They're all afraid I'm going to do something that will get them in trouble OR I'll accidentally get naked OR I'll be arrested OR the things I talk about like sex and masturbation embarrasses them.
Yeah...
I make people nervous.


"Quit your worrying! Just because I enjoy dressing like a kitty doesn't mean I'm going to start licking myself in public!"

I also blog because my head would explode if I didn't.
When I'm sleeping at night it fills up with all kinds of crazy thoughts and stuff. It must be purged every morning.
Call it brain vomit...thought bulimia...whatever you want to call it.
It happens and I fix it by blogging.

I blog because I'm interested in other people, their thoughts, their ideas about things and generally just interested in everything.
I love learning about new stuff.
I'm snoopy...


"Hmmm..maybe I'm not crazy. After reading all these other blogs, I seem almost normal."

I'm not going to nominate anyone because I can't choose just a few people. I love everyone on my blog roll and all of them for different reasons.
I think I'll just thank John and call it good...

Tiff is plotting and devising the perfect interview so wait patiently and it will take place shortly.
In the meantime, if there's something you wanted her to ask me, don't forget to go visit her and leave a comment.
She'll most likely ask it for you cause she's nice like that...right Tiff?

That's all I got.
I'm such a slacker today.
I would certainly enjoy a vanilla vodka and coke right now, but it's not even noon.
Damn!
I hate being a good girl sometimes!


"Phew! The bullshit is getting deep in here!"

See ya tomorrow...

Who's the mutha-effing Nan Nan?

I needed a break from blogging yesterday.
I might still need one today.
You see, I got some news and I'm just now sharing it with you....

Freya is pregnant.

I am going to be a grandmother.
Or a Nan Nan, as I have decided I would like to be called.
Shut up....all the other grandmother names have been taken in my family. They're all still alive, dammit. The women in my family live to be old. We're all tough broads.

Soo......how do I feel about this development?
Well....
Freya is 27 years old.
I mean, it's not uncommon for 27 year old women to have babies. I was kind of thinking that she would have a kid sooner or later anyway.
Of course I'm not thrilled that she's pregnant.
She's not in a relationship with anyone.
The father is some guy she hooked up with when she was fucking loaded.
Which leads me to the next reason I'm not thrilled.
She's been drinking and smoking and partying it up, all while taking pain meds for her back...which...by the way, is not in good shape and I have to wonder, "Can she even carry a baby to term?".
Then there's the little issue of her not having a job, or a place of her own...no medical insurance, which, by the fucking way, were things she all had when she still lived here with me but she doesn't have now that her son-of-a-bitch father insisted she quit her job and move up there so he would pay for her to go to school!

Excuse me while I take a moment, will you?



FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!THE FUCKING FUCK FUCK IS JUST THE SAME GODDAMN COCKSUCKING ASSHOLE BULLSHITTER HE WAS WHEN WE WERE MARRIED AND HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ANYONE BUT HIS LITTLE MINIATURE DICKED SELF!BASTARD FUCKER! FUCK! FUCK!

There...thank you for your patience.

So now what?
Will the bastard help her out?
Will he still pay for her to go to school?
She wasn't in a good place emotionally when he insisted she hurry up and move back home with him.
She and Caveman had just broken up and within a week, he had her completely moved out of state and with him.

You know what?
I'm just bitching so I'm going to stop.

I'm going to clean my house which is what I do when I'm upset about things.
I clean.
Then after the kids are settled in tonight, I'm going to drink and watch movies.

I just need some time to digest this mess.
I'm worried, you know?
Especially since she's up there with HIM.
He's not the most honest and supportive person in the world.

I'm done. I'm pissed and I'm scared and that's what's on my mind today.