But after checking my night stand, I realized we were out of condoms.
For a split second I considered driving to the store in my pajamas and buying some before he woke up, but then I decided against it.
It's a small town...I'd hate to give the Jesus Police even more ammunition than they already have.
Can you imagine?
"QUICK! Ring up this box of condoms before he wakes up and gets out of the restraints!"
Yeah...for some odd reason, this didn't seem like a good idea. Go figure.
Usually something like this would be right up my alley
I have some great ideas...
Maybe I'm getting scared in my old age?
Whatever the reason for this new found consciousness, I don't like it.
And this morning isn't the only time it's happened recently.
The other night the crazy woman who lives across the street came out of her house at midnight and cleaned out her truck.
Yeah...you remember...this woman...here and here and here and here..
She turned on her radio at FULL VOLUME and began cleaning out her truck...at midnight!
Then she began to sing to the song that was playing on the radio....OFF KEY!
The whole thing sounded like cats fucking with a George Strait song playing in the back ground.
My head almost exploded.
I stomped out of bed and down the stairs, ready to walk across the street and beat the stupid out of her, when I realized I was only wearing one of Mr.Man's T-shirts...
NO panties.
I hesitated...thought about just going out there anyway...and then decided it probably wasn't a good idea.
By the time I went back upstairs to put some pants on, she had finished and gone inside.
I missed my golden opportunity. God knows, she NEEDS the stupid beat out of her.
See what I mean?
All this consciousness lately....what's up with that?
Normally I run on spontaneity. I can't have this conscience thing causing me to second guess my decisions!
I believe I'm going to have to spend the day home, keeping to myself until this thing passes.
I'm really concerned about myself and I'm going to purge my system with beer tonight.
I'm hoping that will help get me back on track.
Wish me luck!!!
I used to run out and get the mail at night after I put on my pajamas, but I got caught out there by my nosy redneck neighbor one night who cornered me by the mailbox and stared at my bra-less boobs while he talked about the size of his grandson's poops for 10 minutes.
ReplyDeleteSo yeah, no spontaneous runs outside for me anymore.
I walk the dog around the apartment complex half nekkid all the time. I never have a bra on if I am not at work. The problem with this... It is chilly and I have big nips! The neighbors love me! ;)
ReplyDeleteSniff, the Goddess is growing a moral compass....booohoooooo
ReplyDeleteI like to put on my zebra thong and go out in the front yard and pull weeds late at night. Awww.... who am I kidding I don't actually pull the weeds, that's to much work.
ReplyDelete"sounded like cats fucking with a George Strait song playing in the background" - I'll have to remember that classic line.
ReplyDeleteHey it's almost 5:00 Happy Hour. Get purging with the beer.
LOL....no wonder you were tired today.
ReplyDeleteDo me a favor, please? Tell Shiny Rod that I can't leave comments on his blog because of the way he has it set up. Thanks.
Ummmmm, what are condoms?
ReplyDeleteYeah, the Evil Twin wouldn't know a condom if it hit him in the head.
ReplyDeleteAfter years and years of infertility, we had our little Angel (Budddy) and our little Demon (Sissy) and ET got the big V! :-D
I was glad to read that, not for just the entertainment value, but also as a reminder to be thankful I don't have close neighbors!
ReplyDeleteAre there any homes available because I need to move in your neighborhood. I keep scotch on hand all the time for emergencies. See my post on todays WVSR. Then I'll send you back to Mr Man all liquored up and ready to go. Hey, I'm single, I can't be seen with a married woman.
ReplyDeletekenju- got your message, it should be ok now. I see your linked to my page.
Consciousness you say? You are finally coming to grips with 'contoled insanity'...and seem to be adjusting quiet well. Turst me on this one. You could have picked her off with a .22 easy, and you chose not to go bare butted across the street to kick the stupid out of her. I'd bet her turck is still a mess and next time it will be George Jones and raccoons.
ReplyDeletehow the mighty have fallen, good luck on your recovery!
ReplyDeleteSince I truly hate "clothes", the neighbors have caught me at just about all stages of undress. No biggie - I'm not here to impress, so they will get over it quick. No one has gone blind yet, thankfully!
ReplyDeleteDon't need codoms? Just Pull out!
ReplyDeleteI think your Jesus neighbors put the crazy lady up to the whole midnight vehicle cleaning to divert your attention from their porn watching.
ReplyDeleteI believe any normal male here would be glad to paypal you an exorbitant amount of money if you could have possibly 'captured' the event-with only your T shirt on and kicking the stupid out of her.
ReplyDeleteCondoms? Get that boy fixed :-)
ReplyDeleteI'm concerned for you, what with all this not having sex business.
ReplyDeleteAs awful as this sounds, I actually just linked to your blog and, let me say this, I laughed my ass off (I don't do LMAO). What took me so long? What was I thinking? Perhaps you need to beat the stupid out of me. But it will have to be figurative. Married man you know...
ReplyDeleteKeep bringin' the fun.
Condoms?
ReplyDeleteI don't need them because I had my scrotum torn open and my van deferens chopped apart and then cauterized!!
HA HA!
Heh.
Ugh.
You know. It sounded funnier in my head.
Condoms...oh I don't miss those days...hehehe...
ReplyDeleteand if it had been me, I would have gone out there in crotchless jeans to confront the crazy lady neighbor...hahahaha!
You obviously missed the episode of "Redneck Wedding" where the brother and sister were marrying (I am not making this up) and the mother was giving the sister-bride advice on birth control. She showed her how to use a sandwich bag and tie it off with a ribbon in a pinch. I shit you not. She even used a Coke can as part of her demonstration.
ReplyDelete