Gotta have it!

I can't find my hat!
I want to wear it tonight and it's nowhere to be found!!!
If I can't find it, I'll have to wear a stupid Santa hat, damn it!

I'm looking for this hat...



Thieving hat bastards!

I NEED that hat. It accentuates my tongue...



How am I supposed to pull off that Gene Simmons look without my hat?

I really need to get busy again but I did think of a word for today so I had to get back on here and share it.

It's "HO"...

It seemed appropriate with the Christmas parade happening tonight and everything. When Santa comes rolling by, you can bet I'll be screaming and making noise! I may even stick my tongue out a couple of times for good measure.

I'm managing to get everything pulled together today but man, I am annoyed!
SOMEONE had the BRIGHT idea to spell out the name of our little league and poke lights through a poster board to put it on the float.
There's a little problem.

THE POSTER BOARD THEY GAVE ME IS THE CONSISTENCY OF SHEETROCK!!!
I wrote the damn name on the poster board and I've been poking stupid holes through it for the last hour. I stabbed myself in the top of my thigh with a giant screw driver and now I'm on my way outside to burn the fucking thing in the fire pit.

So there will be no lit up sign proclaiming our organization!

Only lights, candy, flyers and hopefully a few kids who's parents will allow them to ride on the float in cold weather.

Nothing fancy.

My mood for today is this....



I'm ready for tonight...even if I have to don the Viking Helmet as a last minute head warmer...

If that happens, you'll want to watch the 11 o'clock news...*GRIN*

A quickie

Tonight is the Christmas parade. I have ten thousand things to do because Little League is going to have a float. So if you're there, you might just get to see me cause I'll be handing out flyer's and candy.

I saw my friend yesterday. He seemed happy to see me and we actually got to talk a little bit. Funny how things work out like that, huh?
He said he'd been very busy and explained a little more to me about how demanding his job is. I suppose it's just the lack of time he's able to spend with his kids that causes them to be so fearful and upset all the time. I mentioned he might have to do more to reassure them, but other than that, I didn't say anything else.
You'd think that his boss wouldn't keep him out of town three weeks of the month. Even if it were necessary you'd expect him to be allowed to be home on the weekends but he works most weekends as well. Personally I think it's a pretty shitty corporation, but that's just my opinion.
So while things are definitely not perfect in his life, he seems to be holding on.
I let him know I was here for him if he needed a friend and left it at that.

I may try to update later on or this weekend, but if I don't, hope you have a great weekend. Mine will be busy, as usual, and I won't sit down much but life's too short anyway so I do what I can while I can.

It's not even six in the am, so I have no word for the day right now and no mood either. And one last thing...it didn't take me very long at all to write my update for yesterday. The words came flying out of my head like an exorcism puke.

I'll be back over the weekend....

The old blue lipped, blue haired crime buster!

I'm better today.
I can think and I can focus on one thing at a time.
Doesn't anyone else have days where their thoughts race and things seem melted together in their head?
Am I insane?

Anyhow I got brave and did a little shopping yesterday. I had to stop by the drugstore so that's where I started.I picked up my blood pressure meds and was checking out movies,CDs, and savoring a Lindt chocolate from a bag of assorted ones (which I had every intention of paying for).
Then the OWLH reared it's ugly head.(Old White Lady Hate)
This old bat comes out of nowhere, wearing a "Jesus is the Reason" sweatshirt (written in glitter paint no less)and tells me I'm stealing. She's not nice about it either. Her hands are planted firmly on her hips and she's practically yelling at me,gasping for breath between each word.

Huh?

It's apparent to me that I'm not stealing. I'm holding the bag in front of me while looking at the DVDs and I'm standing right in front of the cash register.
Earlier when I had opened the bag and pulled out a chocolate the cashier laughed at me and said, "I wouldn't be able to wait either." She saw me open it.I was not hiding it and sneaking anything.

So I'm thinking...what gives the ancient blue lipped oxygen junkie the right to walk over here and make accusations toward me?

This really pissed me off for some reason....

I was having a somewhat orgasmic moment eating a sinfully rich chocolate and checking out stuff for gifts when this bible thumping, blue haired, tacky clothed, holier-than-thou troll..



(she looked like an troll..a mean bitchy troll) decided to stick her nose in where it didn't belong! And she wasn't nice about it! She was MEAN! And it was Wednesday too...a church night.I'm sure I was one of her prayer requests in church that night.

You know...if she'd been nicer about it, I don't think it would have irritated me so much. I can see someone being concerned and if she legitimately thought she was preventing me from a life of crime, but she practically yelled "SHOPLIFTER!" and pointed at me. Then lectured me! What am I...TEN? (Well ok..maybe I act ten but I still look 41.)

I did what I had to do....

I opened my mouth and showed her the chocolate...covering my teeth and making it look like I had a mouth full of poopy, then I informed her that unless I left the store with the items, I hadn't actually shop lifted.
I walked to the cash register and paid for my chocolates....dribbling some of the chocolate out of my mouth at her as I left the store...



Pretty....
Oh yeah...they were on sale too...half price...sweet!

So this leads me to ask the question...Was I shop lifting?

I called my friend Paxton, who it in the law enforcement area and asked his opinion. He sighed and laughed at me.
"You're a wacko magnet," he says.
But he didn't answer my question...
Not really. He said something about intent and not owning it at the time of consumption, etc..but really I stopped listening all the way to what he was saying and he had to yell at me.
"TAMMIE!YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME AGAIN!!!"



Er...sorry Paxton. I got it. I wasn't shoplifting. Thanks.
"No! You weren't listening...like I said...."
Interrupting him I say.."Hey I have to go Paxton! I'll call you later. Bye!"
Heh heh...he's such a good friend to put up with me.

Speaking of friends, I know I can not force the friend I'm worried about to confide in me or lean on me. And after thinking about it, maybe my concern is part of what drove him away in the first place.
Maybe I am the reason he just stopped contacting me and decided to go it alone. I was suffocating him with my help.
So....I'm letting it go. He knows how to reach me if he needs me. If he's lost my phone number then he still has my email and besides, my number is on his kids phones. He can get it if he needs it.

I think I'm a pretty good friend and there are many people who trust me with things. I am a confidante to a lot of people and pride myself on being trustworthy. Of course I've dropped the ball on occasion, but if we were doing percentages, I'd be ranking in the lower ninety percent of always keeping confidences in secret. Less than ten percent in the betrayed confidences is still too much but better than most.
I don't even tell Mr.Man what other people tell me.
I had one friend call me with some very upsetting news. She was horrified and we talked about it for weeks.
After the crisis had passed, she ran into Mr.Man and started talking to him about it. He asked her if I knew what had happened.She was shocked that I hadn't told him about everything, but when she asked me not to repeat it, I didn't.

Now when it comes to me...well there are only two people in this area who are friends of mine that I feel I can tell anything to and they won't betray my confidence in them.
That's Lisa and Paxton.
I suppose you could say that when I reach the point where something is really bothering me, I do call them and they will listen. Neither one of them has much advice but if they do, they won't sugar coat it for me. They tell me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear.

Statistically speaking, I've had more guy best friends than girls. I'm not sure why that is, but even when I was younger, my best friends were Sandra, Raymond and Paul. One girl, two guys.
Sandra says it's because I normally act more like a guy when I'm upset about things than a girl.
When I asked her what she meant by that, she didn't elaborate.



Well...I do like touching guys butts. That could be part of it perhaps?

Anyway..I'm asking you. What does that mean? How do men and women differ in how they act when they get upset about things?
When I temporarily lost my mind two years ago, I did crazy things like leave long, drawn out voice mail messages that were syrupy and mushy. I was clingy and insecure. I was jealous and suspicious. I was even body conscious and worried about whether I looked pretty or not. I almost even went on a diet.

It was horrible. I felt so insane!I hadn't acted like that since I was in high school and even then, I was mostly just insecure. Never mushy or jealous! The whole summer and into the fall I drove people crazy...especially the people I loved the most.

But thankfully, now I am normal once again. I can call and tell people "Call me back." Short, sweet and to the point.
I am not jealous and certainly not clingy...(horny is NOT clingy in case you're wondering) AND I don't care if I'm pretty or my ass is too big because I am what I am and I don't plan on changing it anytime soon.
Besides...not having a gag reflex can hide a multitude of stretch marks and cellulite...*wink*

Oh yeah! I almost forgot!!!! I FINALLY GOT MY STUFF!!!STUFF!!! WHOOO!!!
It came yesterday. I opened the box and started checking it all out. Most of it, I have used before. There are a few things I haven't tried..like the cream to tighten your va-jay-jay. THAT could be my first experiment. I've never had any complaints like "Hey, your va-jay-jay is cavernous." or " I think Mr. Willie is lost in there." but I like to try new stuff.
I tell Mr.Man,"HEY! Let's try this!" and his shoulders slump. I think he's just getting worn out. I don't know. I really don't think I'm THAT bad...
OH yeah...I will have a website of my own to sell my stuff too. That way anyone can buy it. And anyone can ask what things are for or what they feel like or how to use them and I can tell them, confidentially of course.
I like that option because quite frankly some people are not as open about their sexuality as I am. I'm not uncomfortable with talking about it because to me it's as natural as breathing. But for for those who would like to try something but are uncertain about what's available and how it feels and works, they can ask me and not have to be embarrassed or uncomfortable about it. No one has to know about it and I think that's great.
While I feel free to talk about it, I still respect others who don't.

Ultimately the reason I reached my decision to sell this stuff is because there are a lot of married women who have unsatisfying sex lives. They don't like it and don't want to have it. Their husbands love them but let's face it. While the brain starts out running the show, once Mr.Willie reaches a certain point, he's in charge.
"This is a stick up! Get down and no one will get hurt!"



Yeah...well you know what I mean. By the way, the SMILING BONER BOB picture above comes to you courtesy of THIS PLACE .You can actually purchase one of these and I think I may know a few people who need one. It is almost Christmas you know.

Getting back to my sexual liberation story,when I was in my twenties, one of my best friends, Stan, (another guy friend) asked me one day if I ever masturbated. I told him, "God no!".(Yeah, those words and that attitude coming from me. Who would believe it?)
He asked me how I would ever have a satisfying sex life if I didn't know what made me feel good. And he said that for me to expect someone else to figure that out for me, was unrealistic.
"What if the person you're with never figures out what makes you feel good?" he asked me."You need to know and tell them or just pitch in and help."



Good advice although I was a lot shyer then and the very thought of doing anything like that, let alone in front of someone, made me cringe. But then after a failed relationship that had been Deadsville in the bedroom, I decided to see what might happen. I was single and although I dated a lot, I was choosy and wouldn't sleep with anyone. I don't give it away to just anyone. They have to earn my trust. Anyhow...I decided to tried it and it turned me into a new woman.
I wasn't relying on someone else to satisfy me and it helped turn me into a more confident and happier woman.

Too much information?

Ah well...you should know what I'm like by now.

Today's word will be STUFF! I'm not sure why but I think I will have a lot of fun with this so I'm going with it. Miss Know It All (my 16 year old) was so upset at me yesterday because I kept making her answer the phone and every time she'd answer it, she'd say hello. Then I'd scream and make noise and clap my hands.
She wanted to flay me alive and disembowel me but that's pretty normal so I wasn't too worried about it.

What kind of mood am I in today? Hmm...I think I am this...



I can't wait to see what the rest of today holds. It's barely eleven thirty. I wonder what kind of trouble I can get into?

The Mad Rambler!

This will ramble so take a Dramamine or something....

For some reason I can not hold on to a complete thought this morning. There are five thousand things running through my head. Think of a thousand little Indians surrounding a covered wagon and shooting arrows at it.

My brain and the thought process.

So I decided I'm just gonna go with it.

Hang on...



This will be weird...sorry but it's the therapy thing.

Everyone thinks they know me. I drink coffee and laugh at the thought. I'm like the rest of the world, hiding the dirty secrets beneath the carpet and hoping no one will notice the lump in my throat...

I was honest about my feelings and thoughts but with the wrong person. A friend who could never be a friend...who's heart was ripped from their soul roughly 20 years ago...along with their innocence...and the person who's responsible wears it like a trophy on her left hand.



No more friend. No more trying. Sick of the brick wall I kept running into. Now I'm in a coma. Effort could bring me out of it.

Not enough alcohol and sometimes too much alcohol...a lemon for my beer,a German UFO...and maybe a tuna sandwich on rye...but it's not even lunch yet and what the hell reason do YOU have to want to hide in a bottle?

Christmas...paper and shiny bows,wondering what's in the boxes, joy at some, disappointment at others...like people...people...gifts...wrapping themselves in shiny paper...maybe there's a piece of shit in that box?



The dog lies on her back, feet kicked up in the air. The most vulnerable part of her exposed to me. It's nice to see someone trusts me...believes I love them...even if it's someone who licks their ass and eats from the catbox...

Cookies to bake, cookies to eat...bills to pay...what a tedious feat. But if I accomplish one thing today, I'll feel like I can say...
Fuck it...I'm getting drunk tonight and I'm going to ride Mr.Man like I'm jumping on a trampoline...

Waiting...waiting...waiting...waiting...all for nothing. Nothing will happen...nothing will come...nothing...feeling nothing...doing nothing...nothing.

I drink more coffee and laugh at my stupidity. I drink more coffee and laugh at myself. I drink more coffee. Not hungry and now I have to pee...

Flickers of light through the barren trees. Leaves that pile up in the street but not because of me. Pissed off and a knock at the door. "Stop BLOWING YOUR GODDAMN LEAVES IN MY YARD!"
What a bitch I can be?

Missing snow, blowing wind and razor sharp cold.
I need to be cut open again.
Lungs that burn, eyes that squint.
Swoosh...swooshing myself content.
Jump on a cloud and laugh out loud cause they can take my snow away but they can't take my daydreams.



This didn't make much sense to any of you but it made perfectly good sense to me...

The word of the day is "Hello". I'm pretty sure you can get someone with it but really listen for it. Most people just say "hey" or "hi" and an actually "Hello" is rare...(Yeah I know I just said it...I clapped my hands and I'm barking and whistling as I type.)

My mood is this...



I don't think any other picture could describe it better.

Gee...I'm hungry now.

Red wigs on a clothesline....

When I was a kid, my mother was married a few times.

First to my dad...

Then to my brother's dad...

Then to my second step-dad who was from Kentucky...

Then to the third step-dad who was from Massachusetts...

Then last but not least to my last step-dad who is still my step-dad.
GIVE THAT MAN A METAL!



Yeah...there were a few others in between the husbands who almost made it to the wall of alimony but they escaped before the nuptials.

Anyway...today I will tell you about one of my step-grandparents.
Yeah...that's right. All those step-dads meant step-grandparents, step-aunts, step-uncles and step-cousins.
LOTS of people to have in and out of your life huh?

My first step-dad and my brother's father was from Long Island New York. He was stationed at Loring Air Force Base and that's how he met my mother. I lived with her and my aunt in a trailer about a half mile from the base. I can still picture myself standing in my crib, looking at a pink and purple and orange paisley curtain hanging over the window. I can also remember the man who gave me my elephant. He was tall with short brown hair and wore birth control glasses...like these...



I still have the elephant. I have always loved it. It was yellow and purple with a paisley print all over it.
Paisley was popular in the sixties no?



See? They made shorts out of the same print as the curtain I remember.
Anyway...my first step-dad's mother was named Julia.
She didn't approve of my mother mainly because my mother wasn't rich or Catholic. Of course her son worshiped the ground my mother walked on, so he married her anyway, against the wishes of his mother.
So she decided to come visit us in Northern Maine, quite a different place than Long Island, no?
She was a loud woman, short and busty with bright red hair. The first time I saw her, she scared me shitless. She talked non-stop and sewed like a maniac. Apparently she had made good money making dresses and such for the ladies on Long Island.
She made me tons of clothes and genuinely seemed to like me.

Still...she scared me a little because she was loud. Well....it was that and the wigs.She had half a dozen wigs, all of them styled like this...



Now I know that's not scary. The scary part was that I didn't KNOW her hair came OFF her head and when I saw six of those wigs hanging on the clothes line it FREAKED ME OUT A LITTLE.
I was standing at the window, watching those wigs blow in the wind when she came up behind me, wearing a kerchief on her head. For some reason it petrified this poor little four year old kid enough that she remembered it clearly 37 years later.
Later that year when my brother was born, I kept a close eye on Julia. I mean after all, someone who can take their hair off might want to eat a baby, right?

Yes...I did have a rather large imagination as a child, but it was an escape tactic to get away from the bad stuff...I treasured my imagination.

So...eventually, the creepy hair removing grandmother left and so did step-dad number one. He got sent to Vietnam and didn't come back to us. I thought he'd been eaten by a huge snake. I told people that a big snake had eaten my black haired daddy and he was never coming back. I suppose that's because he sent a picture to us from Vietnam holding a huge anaconda across his shoulders. I just figured it had eaten him and that was that.
I still don't really know what happened and why he didn't come back, but step-dad number two was in the house before the divorce was even final.
As for my brother, well he never got to meet his dad. He's tried to contact him but doesn't ever get any response. And when my sister-in-law contacted my brother's uncle, the uncle claimed that there was never a baby born to his brother.
It's a terrible mystery that my brother's father refuses to enlighten us about.

And my mother?

Well...she knows what happened but she won't tell either. She has this way of completely obliterating the ex's once she's done with them.
They cease to exist and if they happen to be your father, too bad.

I met my father, but that's another story for another day.

In other news of the strange and unusual, today is Elderly Hell Day. I made an emergency trip to the grocery store last night to avoid having to venture too far from my house today.
So with that said, todays word will be "safe".
Try to trick as many people as you can into saying it and then make LOTS of noise when they do.
Drives people NUTS!!!
It's a great way to have some adolescent fun.

Speaking of nuts and adolescent fun...
Last night before I went to bed I had a bowl of Grape Nuts with Vanilla Soy milk. I was busy typing up minutes from our Board meeting and I let it sit a little too long. When I went to take a bite, it was a mass of mush.
Feeling somewhat naughty, I decided to form it into a phallic shape and leave it sitting for my husband to see when he got up in the morning.
Sure enough, he got up and went downstairs to check his email and found my Grape Nuts, dried up and 'stiff'.
When he came upstairs I sat and watched him.
He said nothing.
I said nothing.
Then finally, he spoke.
"You should be medicated, you know that?"

Here is my mood today....



Like the red wig reference? Today I say,"Life is too short! HAVE FUN WHILE YOU CAN!!!!"

There's nothing like looking at the past in order to appreciate a new chance in the future...

We throw out boomerangs all the time...we just don't realize it...

Some of you may think I'm just a big old kook all the time. Maybe you see the blonde hair and think it's the appropriate shade for my personality. Of course most of what you see is my take on things and my attempt to make my life a little lighter and brighter. I'm just your average woman trying to get through the mundane and insanity with a sense of humor.
Of course there are other sides to me as well. I suppose you could say that I just don't talk much about the more serious aspects of my personality. I am capable of being serious. I just don't do it so often or maybe it's just that I don't share those moments as often.
But today I will share something with you, just because it made me feel like maybe there are times we make a difference in other people's lives even when we don't think we do.
I am what you might call a secret crusader.I don't tell anyone about those random acts of kindness. I'm not looking for recognition and quite honestly, I'd rather not even share this story with you, but I felt compelled to open up about it today, so I will. But no one is allowed to make a fuss over it, ok?

I often find myself helping people out who look like they need a hand.Complete strangers, sometimes standing on a street corner or sitting on a bench somewhere capture my attention and I do what I can to help. Maybe you'll think it's crazy but I get these feelings and I act on them. Sometimes I give them money and other times I give them food or I drive home and bring back a coat or blanket...whatever I feel the urge to do, I do it.
I try to be cautious of the danger and there hasn't ever been an occasion when I've found myself threatened, except for once.

That's the story I'm going to tell you about today.

Several years ago I was driving in Charleston and I saw a young mother with a toddler and a baby walking in the rain. It was cold out and as I passed I noticed that none of them had very warm clothes on and were soaked to the skin. I got that feeling I get when I think I should help someone, so I turned around and stopped to ask the woman if she wanted a ride somewhere.
She eyed me suspiciously, but said OK and got in the car with her kids.
I asked her where she needed to go and when I didn't get a response I turned to look at her. She was holding a knife. She pointed the knife at me and told me to give her all my money. I told her I could do that but I didn't have much to give her. I started driving and calmly asked her if I could help her in some other way.
She just stared at me blankly.
I told her that I could take her to the grocery store and buy her what she needed and then bring her home. I asked if that would be more help than just giving her some money.
She just kept staring at me. Then she asked me why I would do that for her. She said I was just trying to trick her.
So I asked her why she wouldn't trust me to do that. "After all", I reminded her, "I did stop to pick you up. I saw you walking in the rain with your children and thought you needed some help."
Her face softened a little. She sat quietly for a moment and she told me that she had been on her way to the store to try to get formula and food. She said her ex-boyfriend has stolen her EBT card and she didn't have anything for the kids.
"I was gonna try to steal it." she told me.
"Let me take you to the store and buy you some diapers and formula and some food." I said.
She started crying and put the knife away. She looked down in her lap and stared at the floor.She said she was sorry and she only threatened me because her kids didn't have anything to eat.She said she didn't have anyone to help her. She didn't know what to do. She kept saying she was sorry, over and over again.
I told her it was ok. I had kids too and I understood.
I told her that maybe there were options she hadn't thought about to help her. I told her that maybe she could go to a church for help or the Salvation Army or Union Mission.
She just shrugged her shoulders and looked out the window.
We got to the grocery store and I bought her some groceries. She was very humble about what she needed but I threw some extras in to make sure she would have enough until she got another EBT card. Plus I gave her some money to buy more milk for her toddler. I was a little worried it might go to something else, but I took a chance that it wouldn't so she'd have enough to feed all of them for a month.
We loaded everything up and I drove her home. It was a pretty horrible thing to see. She wouldn't let me go all the way inside her building. Her apartment was on the second floor of a building where the front door was torn off and the rain had warped the floor near the door. Paint was peeling off the walls inside and one of the apartment doors had been repaired with boards where it had been kicked in. It smelled like mold and urine. She had me help carry the bags into the building but carried the rest upstairs as I watched the kids.
It just wasn't a very safe place for a young mother and two small children to live.
I felt bad leaving without doing anything else for her but at least I had helped a little.
She thanked me over and over again and I told her it was ok. I said that sometimes we all need a little help. Then I left.

Well....

Guess who I ran into over the weekend?

That same young woman!

She recognized me immediately. I'm happy to say, I did not recognize her. She looked wonderful! She had put on some weight, looked healthy and was smiling from ear to ear. She looked confident and happy, not broken and tired like the last time I'd seen her.
She told me that she was now living in a subsidized housing area near by, a safer and nicer place than the old apartment and was attending WVSU.
She said my kindness had given her the courage to trust others and ask for help.

I hugged her and told her I was so happy I'd run into her. I told her I had gone back to her apartment a couple of months after I'd bought her groceries because I was worried she might need help again, but she wasn't there. I said I had often wondered what had happened to her.

We said our good-byes and I gave her my phone number to call me if she needed something.
Then she hugged me again and smiled at me.

I was so happy for her. I know that not all things turn out for the best but sometimes it does happen.
There are some people who say they're not going to give to a homeless person because it's a con or they're a drunken dead beat who needs to get a job. But I'm a firm believer in being kind to others, regardless of their condition.
They're a human being.
Everyone has a story that's brought them to the place that they are.
I have a story and so do you.
My circumstances may differ from yours but even if they were the same, we might deal with things in different ways.
My choices might not be the same as yours because we are different people.
We can pretend to know how to fix other people's lives but we are not qualified to judge the pain and suffering someone else can tolerate. Everyone handles things differently. What might be difficult for me to get through, might be the same thing that breaks you.
So I suppose you could say that when I see someone in a broken state, it softens my heart no matter what the circumstances. I can't put it out of my head like it doesn't exist. I think about it and it bothers me.



Maybe I can't save the world but I can do a little bit to help sometimes.

One of my favorite sayings goes like this...."We cannot do great things on this Earth, only small things with great love."...(aptly quoted by Mother Teresa.)
While the small things may not seem so great to us, sometimes it's the small things that make a huge difference in other people's lives.
A smile can be contagious and so can acts of kindness.
Yeah...I'm bracing myself for some jerk to pick up on this post and crucify it and ridicule me, but because I am who I am, I'd extend a helping hand to them as quickly as I would to anyone else.

That's just part of who I am.

Of course I am also the goofy, silly, crazy, unusual Tammie that you see more often. Perhaps I am more complex than you first thought?

Anyway...I'm not really in the mood for a word of the day. I guess I'm just feeling serious and thinking long and hard about whether I'm really being the best person I can be or not.

My mood? I don't know...maybe I'm feeling a lot like this...



I'm not thinking about the holiday approaching. I'm not worrying about how much I have to do or how much I have left to buy. I'm not worried that I don't have enough time to do everything or enough money to buy everything.

I'm thinking about the people who won't have a roof over their heads or food in their bellies tonight.

I don't have enough money to help everyone. Sometimes I don't even have enough to help one person, but when I am able to help someone, I will. It might not make a difference and help change things, but then again...it might.

The goofy me will be back tomorrow but in the meantime...maybe you can spread a little kindness today?

Twas the day after Thanksgiving....

Twas the day after Thanksgiving and all through the house...
Everyone's bellies were protruding, especially my spouse.
The shitter had been hit up, a dozen times or more
and empty toilet paper rolls littered the floor.

Mr. Man sitting on the couch watching TV
with our only son,"his own Mini Me".
Viewing the stupidest movies, the dumbest of shows
while dozing occasionally, snoring through his nose.

Both girls wandering in a stupor, both half awake.
Their breakfast? A turkey leg and a piece of cake!
"We're fat!" They keep whining,with tears in their eyes!
While cutting themselves slices from the remaining pies.


So...does this sound familiar?
Eh...it's a common thing in my house.
I NEVER go shopping the day after Thanksgiving. We just stay home and continue to stuff ourselves silly. We sleep and hang out watching TV and do absolutely nothing productive.
I know it's a waste of time, but sometimes wasting time is necessary. We have a full schedule ahead of us with December right around the corner and that usually means non-stop running. Let's put is this way...I live in my car and read complete novels while waiting for my kids during the month of December. They literally have so many things going on, if my husband were to shave off his redneck goatee, I wouldn't even notice.

Speaking of Mr.Man, he's decided to grow his hair out. Now normally, that wouldn't be so bad. Most women I know like a man with thick hair they can run their fingers through. But in my case, well...Mr.Man has enough hair for ten men. I'm not shitting you either. He hasn't even really begun to grow his hair out completely and already he's looking a little like this...



Yeah...add a goatee and you've got a portrait of Mr.Man complete with the lack of smiley face and "Fuck You" attitude.

God I love that man!

My 14 year old daughter wants to have a few of her friends stay over night. I considered it for a moment....



Um...I don't think so. Not tonight. Once I realized what I was in for and checked how much Vodka was left in the freezer, it was definitely a NO!!!

I really should get off here and get busy cleaning up after the feeding frenzy but first I need to break some bad news to you.

I didn't make it to the Commode Bowl.
I know...I know. I really wanted to go but I was in the middle of cooking dinner and couldn't get away. I tried to plan everything around the game, but with only one oven, I just couldn't manage it. I couldn't even utilize my microwave because it broke. What a special time of year for something like that to break, huh?
If I ever win a kitchen make over or tons of money, I'm having TWO FREAKING OVENS AND A DISHWASHER AND A WINE CELLAR!!!
It doesn't take much to make me happy now does it?



OK! So MOST of the time it doesn't take much to make me happy...whatever...Have I used this picture before? It looks familiar....er...

So...disappointing as it is, there are no good Commode Bowl pictures from this year. Perhaps next year we will try again. I think the key to making it to the game is to have dinner around four instead of two. Next year is the 60th annual Commode Bowl so it should be a big deal. Who knows? Maybe I'll run for Outhouse Queen or Shitter Princess or whatever they call it. I think I could look pretty damn classy with a toilet seat around my neck.

Because this is Black Friday and all, I decided the word of the day should be sale. I got Mr.Man (who LOVES to shop) at least fifty times this morning. He and the 16 year old daughter finally realized that sale was the word of the day and stopped nagging me to go shopping. They're huddled in the corner right now talking about the sales in hushed whispers....
I HATE shopping!!! Why would I want to go out shopping today of all days?

My mood is this...



I'm feeling horny but I have terrible gas.(too much garlic?)I'm trying to figure out a way to seduce Mr.Man in spite of being somewhat ripe.

Eh...I'll figure something out.

Better late than pregnant, right?

*SIGH*

Now that I've gotten THAT off my chest, I can sit and tell you about my busy day.

Where do I begin?

OK...How about with the baking? I now have pies galore, apple, pumpkin and lemon meringue, with crusts that turned out flaky and buttery.There are fresh oatmeal rolls with a hint of nutmeg for our feast. A pumpkin roll wrapped neatly in wax paper, waiting for breakfast tomorrow morning. (why not?)
I'll be rolling out of bed around five to start roasting the Turkey and then it'll be a mad dash to finish sweet potato casserole, green bean casserole and the perfect stuffing.
It might just be us, but it's got to be special.



While the Norman Rockwell picture looks great and the turkey we'll have will look just like the one in that picture, the blonde chick from Justice League with the cleavage is what I'll look like and that should ensure a little "special dessert" later in the evening...heh heh...

Speaking of Mr. Man, I'm happy to report that "Operation Planet of The Apes" was successful and I now have my windows sitting in the garage.

After I got out of the shower this morning, Mr. Man eye-balled my armpits as I was combing my hair.



Then his gaze traveled down to the legs....



By the time I had finished dressing he was already half way to Cross Lanes to pick up my windows.
As soon as he got home with them, I hit up the razor and shaved. It might have been a successful plan but it was an itchy plan...bleh..

The scene in the grocery story today was something out of disaster movie. People were stepping on top of each other to get to the last can of jellied cranberry sauce. I literally saw a mother throw her child into a crowd to get the last frozen pumpkin pie. I left before I saw blood or anything.
It was a horror I'll not soon forget.

As for me, I just needed to pick up a couple of things I forgot to get yesterday...you know...important things...



Oh yeah...I got some more potatoes too.

Tomorrow is not only Thanksgiving but here in my little city it's also the annual Commode Bowl. This is a football game played between the River Rats and the Hillside Rams. Depending on which side of the railroad tracks you grew up on, that's the team you play for. It mostly consists of drunk men throwing toilet paper at each other, pretending it's a football and flipping around in the mud. I've heard that when it rains, it gets even better. I know a few of the guys who play and picturing them in the mud, butt cracks saluting while wrestling for a roll of toilet paper, leaves something to be desired.

It makes me desire vodka in great big gulps...



I wonder if they'll be serving hotdogs?

Anyway, I am going to TRY to get my things done and cooked and ready to cook so I can go to the game and get some pictures. I think it would be fun and besides, it's a legitimate reason to get drunk. LOL...



All those butt cracks...whew...

Perhaps I should get started on the blurred vision this evening? A couple two or three drinks probably could help.

With that said, this is my mood for today and probably for tomorrow as well...



Every Thanksgiving I think about the things I have to be thankful for. My life has not always been an easy one. In fact if I were to focus on the bad, it would probably out number the good.
But I refuse to do that.
Why, you ask?
I'll tell you why.
In spite of the battles I've suffered through, I've survived.
Even when I've been the loser and found myself the prisoner, I've survived and found a way to escape.
I hesitate to open up about everything I've been through in my life, mainly because I have forgiven and moved on.
It would serve no purpose to say anything about it and hurt my family.

What's in the past, is in the past.

The future holds many mysteries. I don't know what trials and tribulations it holds for me, but I have no doubt that I will survive what ever comes my way.

So I am thankful for all I have. I am thankful for all I have survived. And I am thankful I am alive.

Sometimes simplifying it can make it all clearer...

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving and they remember to be thankful for the simple truths in their lives....

Old things and hairy stuff...just because you deserve to know

Today is Elderly Hell Day.
Now don't get me wrong. I have nothing against anyone who is over the age of 75. THEY all seem to have something against me.
I have been hit with huge ass old lady purses while shopping because I've been holding the item they want to purchase. The backs of me legs and ankles have been destroyed by shopping carts because they have run over me with them.
AND I have actually been hit by one of their cars in the parking lot and then yelled at because there was a dent in the trunk of the car where I landed.
They've snorted at me, sneered at me, talked about me and pointed me out to eachother.



I'm an old white lady target.For some reason the little old chinese and black ladies I've run into love me. Maybe they're not evil and crazy?)

So understandably, I avoid going out on Tuesdays. It's senior citizen discount day and I don't need to endanger my life any more than it already is. But today, I have to take my oldest daughter to the pain clinic for shots.

"WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU SCHEDULED YOUR APPOINTMENT ON A TUESDAY??!!" I said to her last week on the phone.

So today's word will aptly be the word "afraid"...

I'm on strike until I get my windows. I hadn't shaved my legs for a couple of days anyway, so I'm not going to shave them until I have my windows, even if they're just in the garage.
No windows?
Then you sleep with Planet of the Apes,Sugar.



Speaking of sugar...check this ad for sugar I found. It's pretty awesome. Personally I'm a real sugar kind of gal. I prefer it and if I'm going to indulge in a soda or something else, then it's not going to contain artificial sweetener. That's probably why I need my own flashing lights and beep beep noises when I back up. Ah well...
I still want real sugar and this advertisement says it's good for us.



I got stuff to do, you know. Mary's not the only one who needs sugar!

Well, although this is somewhat short and sweet..(heh heh)
I need to go get ready for my journey into Elderly Hell Day.

This is my mood....



Old ladies scare me shitless. What can I say?

The beauty and her beastly ways....

As I was sitting on the porch Saturday morning a thought came to me.
Seriously...I can think.

I was thinking...SHIT! It's almost Christmas again!!!
it seems like it was just a couple of weeks ago that my husband was taking this picture of me.



As always, I look like I know what's going on...heh heh

As the realization sunk in that Christmas was just around the corner again, I pondered what I needed to accomplish and how to accomplish it. All of the things I wanted to make or complete just wasn't going to happen and I had to have a back up plan.
So I called my friend Lisa and we went out to breakfast. Then we made our way to the craft show at the civic center. I had a plan forming in me little head...

I would Christmas shop at the craft show!!!

Man..I'm so brilliant at times it scares me.

So we paid our admission and wandered the aisles, bullying our way through the masses of old people who hate me (you all know about that) and strollers filled with screaming children.
Next year, I'm bringing a frigging stroller because man, that's the only way you can get through to anything. As long as no one wants to see the imaginary baby in it, I'll be ok.)
I swear to you, if I didn't know better, I'd think that everyone had taken a dose of this stuff before they'd arrived at the civic center.



Especially the old people. GAH!

I ended up buying a few gifts, small ones because I couldn't get in close enough to anything to really look at it, and I had no problemo buying myself a nice bottle of red port to chug on the way home in the minivan (Lisa drove bless her little heart).
It got me thinking that if I called a cab to pick me up and take me to the grocery store, I could grocery shop on Elderly Hell day. I'd just have to be drunk to do it. It might be an alternative to eating cereal with kool-aid because I forgot to get milk and there's no way in hell I'm hitting up a grocery store on a Tuesday.

Just a thought....

I had several important thoughts over the weekend.
That happens sometimes and as much as it annoys me, I go with it...

Anyway...I was sitting on my porch having coffee Sunday morning.
I looked around at all my neighbors going off to church, waving happily at me as they drove off.
Ok..well it was more like this....Them avoiding looking at me,(the sinner sitting on her porch),as they fled from the safety of their houses to their cars. Then peeling out, they screeched their tires to speed to church as fast as they could to pray for me.



Yeah..

But anyway...I was sitting on the porch drinking coffee and talking on the phone with my family in Maine (who also were not in church. You could say that I get my heathen-ness honestly.)
I hadn't combed my hair and it was snarled and poofy on one side, while the other side was flatter. It resembled the ass of a sheep dog that's run through a brier patch but only gotten tangled on one side.



I was looking smart and pretty like my friend Al, you know?

I had a black sweatshirt on with the name of the high school my daughters attend, and a pair of electric blue sleep pants covered with yellow duckies.
If I'd only had a beer in my hand instead of a coffee mug and some rubber boots, I'd have looked like this one woman I saw in GoMart the other day who was trying to buy beer without an ID.

The entire thing got me thinking about a few things and this is what I came up with.

I don't believe in Hell.



GASP!!!(Hey! gasp can be the word for today..)

I'm sure there are some who would think I'm a foolish,wild,insane person, but I think that was the general consensus before my "I don't believe in hell" confession.
The way I look at it is like this....
What worse suffering could there possibly be for a poor sinner like me than to make it to Heaven's pearly gates, have St.Peter stamp my head with a big ole REJECT stamp and find myself shooting out of a birth canal into some third world nation to suffer a lot worse than I did in this life?
Maybe we all get send back here to suffer the day to day living, until we get it right?
It's a theory and all, but I sometimes wonder. I believe in an entity that's bigger than all of us, but I'm not so certain about all the things they talk about in the bible. It's a never ending mystery to me and one I am always researching and thinking about.
And to be honest, it's very difficult living in the place I live in and having that attitude.

So usually I keep quiet about it.
But occasionally I will voice my opinion...(normally there is alcohol and recklessness involved when that happens.)

Mmmm....so because I'm feeling a little more mouthy and careless, this is my mood for today.



The way things stand right now no matter what I say or what I do, someone is always mad at me or gossiping about me, so why not just do what I want and say what I want? The amount of drama among some adults in this area would amaze you. It's amazed me right into a cynical attitude and several drinks every evening...

Until tomorrow...peace out!!!

Tag, you're it Mrs. Shithead!!!

My husband is making me insane.
I'm not EVEN kidding...

The conversation we had this morning...

Me: Are you going to pick up the windows today?

Him:(Ignoring me) What's the word of the day today?

Me: The word of the day is going to be DEATH if you don't pick up my windows.

Him: Umm..why don't we have sex instead of picking up the windows?

Me: DON'T USE THAT TO GET OUT OF DOING SOMETHING MISTER!!!

Him: Honey, I really look forward to our Friday mornings together. I'm hurt that you'd think I was just using that to get out of picking up the windows. (He gives me the pouty face.)

Me: MAYBE if you gave me sex more often then I wouldn't think you were using it to get out of something.

Him: Well, I'd give you sex more often but you haven't exactly been very approachable lately.

Me: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK MAKES ME UNAPPROACHABLE??? MAYBE IF I GOT FUCKED ON A REGULAR BASIS, I'D BE MORE APPROACHABLE!!!

Him: I think you're mildly insane, you know that?



I'm not mildly insane...I'M COMPLETELY INSANE AND HE'S THE CAUSE OF IT!!!

He's not picking up my windows either, so that will be something for me to do tomorrow.

Yesterday Ron tagged me to reveal six secrets or little known facts about myself. I pondered and pondered what to write down in here. After all, I've revealed almost every dirty little secret I have. I've told the story about riding naked on the back of a motorcycle for twenty bucks at a keg party when I was a young (stupid) woman and revealed that my birth mark is on the inside of my labia.
What more could there be to reveal??!!
Yeah...well I did manage to think of a couple of things, so here it goes...

1. Sometimes when I sneeze, I pee a little bit.



It's not a lot but it can happen. And damn it..I do kegals regularly. I bet I could crack nuts with my coochie if it was necessary. Those muscles are fit baby! I'm always flexing and squeezing... I'm a walking vaginal accordion. I don't know what the hell the problem is. I'm going to be one of those old broads who needs to have their uterus pushed back up in the hole and stapled there, I just know it.

Are you sure you want me to continue?

2. I have this OCD thing where I count how many chews I make when I have a mouth full of food. I don't understand it or where it came from exactly, but I've done it as long as I can remember. It's a very weird, weird thing. I do it without thinking. Maybe someone told me as a small child, that I'd choke to death if I didn't chew things up enough? Who knows? All I know is that the last bite of toast I ate this morning took 37 chews and the last bite of mini Almond Joy I just ate took 45 (probably the coconut.)



Weird but true....

3. I have dreams that come true. Yeah, everyone has them I'm sure but mine still freak me out. In 1991, when my husband found out he had orders to go to the Philippines,(Clark Air Force Base),I dreamed he ended up not going because a volcano blew up and destroyed the base.
Then...as if I had willed it to be...



Mt. Pinatubo not only blew up, it destroyed the Air Force Base as well...
When I was a kid, I dreamed that Kool-Aid killed people in the jungle...then that entire Jim Jones thing happened. Could be a coincidence but there have been scads more things that have happened not long after I've dreamed about them. I think this is a strange thing about me and I don't share it with many people, so it's a secret...shh...I don't want the government doing secret experiments on me or something like that.

Hmm....you know, this sharing six things is harder than it seems. I don't know what other secret to tell you...

How about this little known thing about me...

4. I allow the people I love to shit on me.
What's that honey?
There's no more toilet paper?
Here! Wipe your ass with my face!



When it comes to the people I love, I'm a door mat. I guess it might stem from my childhood and my constant attempt to gain my mother's love and attention, but who knows?
I'm working on it...

5. I wear my jeans more than one day before washing them. My daughters tell me that's disgusting, but I say if the crotch doesn't smell like a fish market, they're gonna be fine to wear another day.
I don't care what anyone thinks. It's a waste of water and laundry soap...Besides...I've never received one of these due to wearing my pants more than one day in a row...



Last but not least...

6. Everything I write about in here is true. Sometimes people will embellish things to make them seem funnier, but I actually have driven with my nipples, run through the house squirting whipped cream in my mouth while chasing the dog, walked into my neighbors house while she was in a state of undress, along with all the other countless things you may shake your head at and wonder if it's real. I do have a word of the day, every day since I started it and last night my 14 year old daughter had to explain to the person she was talking to WHY she had to keep spelling out ME instead of saying it.

So there you go. Six things about me. Today's word is PLEASE.

PLEASE (DING..DING..WHOO..BANG..BANG..WHEE!!!) do this six question thing if you want to and let me know if you've done it. I'd love to get some dirt on you...er...I mean learn something new about you...

Yeah..that's it.

Ok...so...that's all I have for today. It's Friday and I'm going to my friend Lisa's house tonight to drink and look over the catalog for my new business venture. Good times I tell you...

This is my mood...



I've been in a thinking mood all day long. I thought about what six things to share in here, then I was thinking about what to make for supper. Then I had to stop and think why my ass was itching...

I'm just a thinking today...and it's making my head hurt...heh