Where oh where has my little Blonde gone?

How do I even begin this post? It almost seems foreign to me, this typing down my thoughts stuff. To think that I used to sit down and let everything pour out...like a busted hose....wow.

I'm not as open to that right now.
In fact, it's the reason I'm writing today and the only reason for it.

I LOVE all of you.
And I appreciate the calls and emails and comments.
They mean everything to me.
But I'm still working at healing and part of that healing process for me is to withdraw from society.
I don't know why I'm wired that way, but I am.

I know it must be terribly frustrating to call and leave messages or email me and not hear back. I know you're worried. I'm so sorry. I try to think of something to say and I pick up the phone and I type up an email and I just don't know what to say. I love you but I don't want to talk...(to anyone) and I take a deep breath and think to myself, "It's time to reclaim your life again. Go on...do it!"

But I just can't.
Not yet.

Part of what caused this whole...I don't know...(breakdown?)...(emotional train wreck?)...was a trust issue. Someone that I thought I knew and I thought I could trust hurt me in a way I never thought possible.

And so I'm coping.
And I'm still dealing with it in the best way I can.

I don't know what else to say.

I miss you all.

And I miss myself.

Please don't worry and please don't ever think that I don't want anything to do with any of you. That's just not true. You are all wonderful friends to me and I treasure each and every one of you.

I'm just doing the best I can and unfortunately I'm not being a very good friend to anyone right now.
I know I should make more of an effort but no matter what kind of pep talk I give myself, I just can't make myself do anything.

And do you know what's the saddest part?

Because I'm forced to be out among the public, when I'm out there I find myself putting on a show. I'm funny and witty and smiling like the sun is trying to climb out my mouth...but inside I'm afraid and sad and there is no light...it's all just a heavy, heavy darkness that makes me want to zone out in front of the TV or sleep.

I just don't know.

That's all I can say....

I just don't know.