Things to do while waiting for your package...

The first thing I want to do is thank everyone for the calls and emails. Who knew I was so loved?
It was wonderful to find out that I was missed and people were worried about me.
I didn't mean to worry anyone. It's just that things have been pretty...oh I don't know...let's just say that I've been very sad lately. When I get really sad I normally use humor but sometimes I hide out and I've been hiding out. I work and then I come home and clean, watch tv and then sleep. That's about it.

I don't really want to talk about it but I will say that sometimes things happen and you just have to accept them and find a way to live with it.
That's what I've been doing.

I'm living with it.

Of course I can still find humor in my life. In fact I was thinking about some of the more humorous aspects of my job this morning.
You wouldn't believe some of the people I talk to everyday on the phone. They're crazy...just plain old crazy.
A few of these crazies really need a handbook or something to deal with the whole process of delivery. They just don't cope very well with it, you know?
You'd be amazed at the things people expect when they're waiting for a package from some place.

So...because I'm terribly concerned about these people who are PATIENTLY waiting for their packages to arrive, I thought I'd compile a little list of things they can do while they wait for the driver to arrive...

(I'm really nice like that, you know?)

OK...let's do this, shall we?

THINGS TO DO WHILE WAITING FOR YOUR PACKAGE TO BE DELIVERED

1. GET OVER YOURSELF!!!!



For fucks' sake, you're not the only person in the whole fucking world and there are other people who are receiving packages too! Regardless of what you think, your package does not arrive where one driver is magically waiting to carry it out to his special truck and place it on a satin pillow, where he will go directly to YOUR house and deliver it IMMEDIATELY. AND..if you happen to not be home when he comes, he'll wait around patiently for hours and hours waiting for you to arrive because he is paid to look out for your package and only your package BECAUSE YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON IN THE GODDAMN UNIVERSE!!!!

2. MASTURBATE.



Seriously. If you're that tense and that worked up over a stupid package, you need to get laid. And chances are going to be good that you're not going to appeal to anyone (even the sluttiest and neediest of people) when you're bitching and whining constantly. No one can stand to fuck someone who thinks the universe revolves around them. So pet the kitty, spank the monkey, flick your bic or whatever the hell you need to to but get off the phone and quit your bitching...

3. Lock up all weapons and hide the key from yourself. Look man, I know you're pissed about the package and everything, but there's no reason for anyone to get hurt, ok. The package you're waiting for is just that stupid SHAMWOW towel you wanted to try.



Believe me, you don't want it's first use to be wiping the remains of the delivery guy off the floor of your foyer. You really need to calm the hell down asshole.Besides...you're being as annoying as that dude who sells the Shamwow towels and the whole thing could just get messy.

4. Call someone so you'll stop calling THE DELIVERY COMPANY!!! It tends to irritate us and the drivers when you call every five minutes. We have a special department for processing packages that have received two or more complaints within a 24 hour period.



These guys take their job seriously...Let's just say that if your package arrives wet and it wasn't even raining out, it visited this department before it went out on the truck.

5. Remember...you're satisfaction is our number one priority. We ARE honestly trying to get you your package to you, safely and on time. Keeping this in mind may help you calm down and stop harassing us so we can do our job. Of course if this doesn't help and you don't calm down and you still continue to complain and threaten to get us fired,be assured you're still going to be our number one priority....



It's just in a "different" number one kind of way.

So there you have it.
I'm thinking of making up a brochure for delivery companies worldwide and see how it goes.I think it could help and prevent a whole lot of unpleasant things from happening....

Well....maybe a few times anyway.

I'll see ya when I see ya. Take care...