Things to do while waiting for your package...

The first thing I want to do is thank everyone for the calls and emails. Who knew I was so loved?
It was wonderful to find out that I was missed and people were worried about me.
I didn't mean to worry anyone. It's just that things have been pretty...oh I don't know...let's just say that I've been very sad lately. When I get really sad I normally use humor but sometimes I hide out and I've been hiding out. I work and then I come home and clean, watch tv and then sleep. That's about it.

I don't really want to talk about it but I will say that sometimes things happen and you just have to accept them and find a way to live with it.
That's what I've been doing.

I'm living with it.

Of course I can still find humor in my life. In fact I was thinking about some of the more humorous aspects of my job this morning.
You wouldn't believe some of the people I talk to everyday on the phone. They're crazy...just plain old crazy.
A few of these crazies really need a handbook or something to deal with the whole process of delivery. They just don't cope very well with it, you know?
You'd be amazed at the things people expect when they're waiting for a package from some place.

So...because I'm terribly concerned about these people who are PATIENTLY waiting for their packages to arrive, I thought I'd compile a little list of things they can do while they wait for the driver to arrive...

(I'm really nice like that, you know?)

OK...let's do this, shall we?

THINGS TO DO WHILE WAITING FOR YOUR PACKAGE TO BE DELIVERED

1. GET OVER YOURSELF!!!!



For fucks' sake, you're not the only person in the whole fucking world and there are other people who are receiving packages too! Regardless of what you think, your package does not arrive where one driver is magically waiting to carry it out to his special truck and place it on a satin pillow, where he will go directly to YOUR house and deliver it IMMEDIATELY. AND..if you happen to not be home when he comes, he'll wait around patiently for hours and hours waiting for you to arrive because he is paid to look out for your package and only your package BECAUSE YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON IN THE GODDAMN UNIVERSE!!!!

2. MASTURBATE.



Seriously. If you're that tense and that worked up over a stupid package, you need to get laid. And chances are going to be good that you're not going to appeal to anyone (even the sluttiest and neediest of people) when you're bitching and whining constantly. No one can stand to fuck someone who thinks the universe revolves around them. So pet the kitty, spank the monkey, flick your bic or whatever the hell you need to to but get off the phone and quit your bitching...

3. Lock up all weapons and hide the key from yourself. Look man, I know you're pissed about the package and everything, but there's no reason for anyone to get hurt, ok. The package you're waiting for is just that stupid SHAMWOW towel you wanted to try.



Believe me, you don't want it's first use to be wiping the remains of the delivery guy off the floor of your foyer. You really need to calm the hell down asshole.Besides...you're being as annoying as that dude who sells the Shamwow towels and the whole thing could just get messy.

4. Call someone so you'll stop calling THE DELIVERY COMPANY!!! It tends to irritate us and the drivers when you call every five minutes. We have a special department for processing packages that have received two or more complaints within a 24 hour period.



These guys take their job seriously...Let's just say that if your package arrives wet and it wasn't even raining out, it visited this department before it went out on the truck.

5. Remember...you're satisfaction is our number one priority. We ARE honestly trying to get you your package to you, safely and on time. Keeping this in mind may help you calm down and stop harassing us so we can do our job. Of course if this doesn't help and you don't calm down and you still continue to complain and threaten to get us fired,be assured you're still going to be our number one priority....



It's just in a "different" number one kind of way.

So there you have it.
I'm thinking of making up a brochure for delivery companies worldwide and see how it goes.I think it could help and prevent a whole lot of unpleasant things from happening....

Well....maybe a few times anyway.

I'll see ya when I see ya. Take care...

Lemonade...50 cents

Sometimes you find yourself surrounded with lemons.



So you do what any optimist would do and make lemonade.
You squeeze the sour from each and every lemon until the juice runs between your fingers and the sour smell makes your eyes burn...
Then you add sugar...just a little at first, and icy cold water, saving some of it to relieve the rawness on your hands from all the acidic juice.

Then you take your first drink.
You draw a long time from the cup and after you already have a mouthful, you realize that it's too tart and you long to spit it all out...
But you don't.
You swallow it and you pucker up your mouth, half disapprovingly but mostly disgusted with the taste of it and you add more sugar.

Then you add a whole lot more sugar. After all, more sugar can't hurt it.

So you take another drink, sipping this time to test it and you realize it's pretty damn good. So you drink and drink from this endless supply of lemonade because the lemons keep coming and you keep on making the best of it.

But in time, you grow tired of that sour sweet taste. You come to hate the sight of anything yellow and even lemon scented furniture polish makes your stomach turn. (So you just stop dusting your furniture.)



At night you dream of crystal cold streams flowing freely down majestic mountains, endless skies of azure filled with fluffy white clouds and you wake up happy.

Until you step out of bed and you feel a lemon smashed flat beneath your foot, squished between your toes.

So many lemons...

What to do with them all?

Some people sell their lemonade. They make a lot of money too. Selling novels...



Or books of poetry....some even write songs about their lemons...singing in soft, sad voices that make us all feel united in some way.

Cause we all have lemons...

Honestly, I'm sick of lemons...lemonade...yellow...sour...bitter...

You won't hear this come out of my mouth very often but...I'm going shopping today.



Fucking lemons...

Three..

They say that death comes in threes. This is an old wives tale but it's also been my experience to watch for death once someone I love dies.
With the passing of Upsda, I had wondered if death would visit the small community I call my family and friends and found myself wating anxiously, trying to push it from my mind.

Last weekend my best friends mother died.

My friend "Sandy" and I have known each other forever. We started playing together when I was three and we were inseparable. Needless to say, I spent many, many days at her house. Her mother became my mother. The normalcy her family offered my broken little life was something beautiful. It drew me in and wrapped itself around me like a blanket of reason in a world of confusion. It's hard to explain, really...but it was everything good in my life and once I stepped through the doors of that house,it was like going to Grammie's or Nanas and I felt like nothing could touch me that was bad or harmful.

For her to lose her mother is like me losing mine as well.

So...this is the reason I have not been writing. I grieve better when I am alone with my thoughts. I deal with pain like a wounded animal...running away and staying hidden until I'm healed.

I'm not a superstitious person so worrying about a third person in my life won't be an issue, but it will sit firmly in the back of my mind, pressing itself into my thoughts. And until it leaves and I can finish grieving, my thoughts will not be my own.

I'll be back when they are...

Morbid humor...

What the hell?
I put in the title and BARELY hit enter and the damn thing posts.
Well isn't that going to be an evil trick on some people....
BWAHAHAHA!
Mainly cause I'm writing right now...

oh dammit! Wait and I'll fix it.

Ok.
There.
It's fixed now.

So today I will attempt to distract myself from thinking about bad news. I'm feeling pretty shitty.
In fact...this is me...looking and feeling shitty....



Not bad for my first photo shop attempt right?
Okay! Okay!
It's not great like Moogs stuff, but goddamn it, I'm just getting started!

There's just something about Thursday's that make me feel violent. Especially when I'm feeling shitty.
I got bad news and well...you all know how I deal with that.

Humor.

If I can find something to laugh about in the midst of sorrow, I'm doing better than 90% of the other poor slobs who are wallowing in their misery. And don't send me hate mail. I have wallowed too. I've wallowed so hard and so long in fact that I've only come out of it when hearing someone calling Sooooey! SOOOOEY!



It's funny how misery looks a lot like shit isn't it? Shit and mud...

So. I was already dealing with something and I had two special encounters to make it even more special...

I had to deal with a couple of fucktards today on the phone.

Isn't it an incredible coincidence how two condescending assholes managed to make calls to the same person a mere minute or two apart?
I, of course, was the recipient of these phone calls and let me tell you, these mother fuckers were two of the biggest, SMELLIEST, NASTIEST ASSHOLES I HAVE EVER SPOKEN TO IN MY LIFE!!!

PLUS they were just plain stupid.

You get people calling in to complain about their packages not being delivered to their houses out in no man's land. Of course when you live off a rural road and it has your box number, you could live in any one of the five kazillion hollows along the road.

One son of a bitch actually cussed me before I could even speak. So I didn't say anything. When he said HELLO?...HELLO?.. I said in a very soft voice, that while I should have hung up on him for cursing at me, I would be happy to give him the opportunity to inquire about his package if he promised not to swear at me anymore.
So he started to ask about his package and explain where he lived. It was going pretty well considering everything, when I had to ask him to slow down. I mean, he sounded like an auctioneer and I don't know short hand.
THAT'S when he lost his temper and started cussing me out again.
So I hung up.
He called back.
I answered and he started swearing again.
I hung up again.
He called back.
Swore at me.
CLICK...DUHHHHHH

The stupid son-of-a bitch did it four more times before he called back and spoke to me WITHOUT calling me a stupid bitch or dumb cunt.
When I finished getting directions, I simply hung up.

He'll get his package tomorrow and I swear if there would have been some way for me to piss all over it without having anyone else have to touch it before him, I would have done it.
Fucktard...



So that was the first fucktard I dealt with.
Literally within minutes another one called...

This guy wanted to know why we hadn't delivered his package yet. He said a few derogatory remarks about us not knowing how to conduct business, etc and then when I explained that we hadn't delivered because we couldn't find his residence, he called me a few names (moron, idiot, retard) and snickered at me.
So I calmly...very calmly... asked him to give me directions to his house.
He paused and then said...(and yes, the bastard actually said this)
"Well...I don't know how to explain it. My house is kind of hard to find."

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT BULLSHIT!!!

So I led his little condescending asshole baby self along with enough questions about where he lived for us to figure out how to get to his widdle baby asshole house.

I was nearly ready to smash the phone into a million pieces when I hung up.
Of course I can control my temper so to the casual observer, I was cool as a cucumber.

Speaking of cucumbers....



I need to get laid. That's all there is to it.

Anyway, no one wants to hear about my pathetic lack of sex so I'm done for today. I think I'll take a hot bath and have a BIG drink. Then I will probably fall into bed exhausted and dream about salad shooters and what not.

Use your imagination....I can't post that kind of picture on here.

TOMORROW IS FRIDAY!!!!!

Are you ready for this???

So it's Tuesday and I'm fucking tired. Yesterday I was so tired that when some goddamn retard in a green truck pissed and moaned because I let some woman turn at the stop light, I leaped from my car...beat my chest and jumped on the hood of my car where I proceeded to take my shirt off and swing it wildly over my head while swearing at the stupid son-of-bitch.

Ok...so I didn't really do that. BUT I thought about it.

I think about doing shit like that ALL the time...I'm pretty sure that without alcohol, I'd be in jail or something.



I like my job. It stimulates me all day long.

What do you do for a living Blonde Goddess?

I test sex toys dammit!



Ok..so once again that's coming from my fantasy world instead of the reality BUT wouldn't it be SWEET if I really could get paid to play with myself all day long?

Actually I work in a dispatch office. I help unload and scan freight. It goes on the belt. It is sorted and loaded on the trucks. Two random trucks are audited. Then back to the office to get directions, keep track of pick ups and deliveries and deal with customers. When that's all finished, the office manager is teaching me how to do payroll and some other office work.
I stay busy all day long and guess what?

That's the way I like it.

Well...there are a couple of things I'm not crazy about.
IN the morning when I first get there, I sweat my ass off. That warehouse is hotter than Satan's balls and I'm not naked OR in the throes of passion so sweating sucks the big one.
On the bright side of things, I think my ass is shrinking...along with my stomach, thighs, love handles...etc. The muscles in my arms are toning up. I call it my hour to two hour work out.



I'd better have a rock hard, incredibly toned body after a couple months of this or I'm going to be fucking pissed.

The second thing I don't like is taking directions from people.
I'm not even from this state so when old Elmer says, "You know where Two Branch meets at Possums Hollow?
NO...I don't have a fucking clue.
It makes me directionally impaired so the entire conversation is a struggle for me.
Then there are the older couples who argue about where they live.
Oh aren't THEY a joy to behold!
I'm caught in the middle of it all, trying to write down everything they say and after they hang up on me because they've almost come to blows over it, I try my best to decipher it all and give the drivers enough to MAYBE find the damn place.

You'd be amazed at how many people don't know where they live.

My bosses read my blog so I won't be specific about where I work. And YES...they read my blog and they STILL hired me. Can you believe that?



I thought I'd pass along the news that Upsda passed away. It's actually been a few weeks but I didn't want to say much about it because of the trolls lurking in the shadows, ready to be king or queen of the assholes at the expense of someone else's grief.
Upsma is doing ok. She and Goldie are spending a lot of time together and that's helping. If I'm not mistaken, I think that Upsma may be selling her house and moving closer to Goldie. I think that would be the best for her. The boys don't live near her anyway and Sgt.Rock is the closest.

Gosh...there's so much going through my head I can't get it all out....

Meh...that's it I think.

I'm starting to feel normal again maybe...a little anyway.

I'll be back and it won't be so long in between posts. I'm getting used to this shit.