I'll be on vacation for the next two weeks.
Unfortunately the internet service where I'm going is practically non-existent so there will be no updates.
Please use this time to do other things, like bathe and clean out the lint in your belly button.
If you absolutely have to have a Blonde Goddess fix, go into the archives and find something fun to make you laugh.
I will miss you when I'm gone and when I'm REALLY drunk and crawling around in the back yard of my grandmother's house, I'll think fondly of you all...
LOVES!!!!
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
Captain Kirk and his dick of death...
Whenever I watch Star Trek reruns, I always ask myself the same question....was Captain Kirk REALLY as virile as they portrayed him to be or did he have help? I can't help but speculate about the way things REALLY might have been on the Enterprise....
Captain Kirk was a fine figure of a man and he KNEW it....
"What do you mean these red tights aren't flattering? I think they look great."
Seriously...he was always whoring around with SOME woman...or women...
How can one man be THAT horny AND successful?
Yeah...lots of dudes are horny but they strike out a lot.
Captain Kirk?
He scored every time!
"That's right baby...that's the way to launch my rocket."
I just can't help but ask myself whether there was more to his success than meets the eye.
While they made it seem to easy for him to get laid, what made him SO irresistible?
"I hate how it always takes two hands to jack off!"
Ok...so that would explain things a little bit.
But was he really so smooth and suave that he could literally make a woman fall into his arms with little or no effort? Or was there even more to it?
Was it his experience that turned the women on?
"These stimulate your nipples. I acquired them in the Delta Quadrant."
Maybe it was his authority?
Some women are attracted to that kind of power.
Of course it is possible he used his authority to get some action when he wasn't hitting a home run with the babes....
"What do you mean "You don't want to do a threesome? That's an order ensign!"
Of course personally I think that he learned a few things from Spock.
Spock was a sexy beast!
I would have totally done Spock.
Besides...I picture the "Spock Cock" looking like this...
"The Spock Cock Deluxe!"
That just looks like it would be a lot more fun than the average smooth and shiny kind, you know?
I think that Spock showed Kirk some tricks to make the ladies crazy too.
For example...
"And this is another special Vulcan love touch.It makes women crazy."
Live long and prosper my ass...that looks like a variation of the shocker to me. I even think they call it "the Spocker"....heh heh
Yes...Captain Kirk had help, I'm sure of it.
Even Bones helped him out.
One day as Bones was in sick bay with nurse Chapel, they made a startling discovery.
"What is it doctor?"
"They call it Viagra nurse Chapel. It was invented in the 21st century."
"What does it do?"
"Let's find out nurse...."
Of course once Bones re-discovered Viagra and informed Old Captain Kirk about it, he was even worse than before....
"MORE VIAGRA BONES! I'M HAVING COMPANY TONIGHT!"
Captain Kirk's "company" arrives...
"Our collective IQ is 107."
After Kirk discovered Viagra there was no stopping him....
It was like giving the man a bag of M&Ms....
"The green ones made him horny."
"The yellow ones made him horny."
"The brown ones made him horny."
He was simply out of control....
They were finally forced to destroy all the Viagra and the directions for making it after Kirk humiliated himself at a meeting with an important dignitary...
"Your guards hats look like they're concealing breasts...soft..tender..breasts. Make them take them off. I have to see them...touch them..."
Although he avoided a court martial, he managed to ruin any chance of having a happy retirement...
If I could still get my hands on some Viagra, you wouldn't be so quick to reject me!
Sadly, Kirk lived out the rest of his days on the Enterprise with the horrible nickname, "Limpy"...
"THE NEXT CREW MEMBER TO CALL ME LIMPY WILL BE ENERGIZED INTO OUTERSPACE!"
And there you have it!
My take on the entire Captain Kirk is a stud story line!
What do YOU think?
Got anything to add????
Captain Kirk was a fine figure of a man and he KNEW it....
"What do you mean these red tights aren't flattering? I think they look great."
Seriously...he was always whoring around with SOME woman...or women...
How can one man be THAT horny AND successful?
Yeah...lots of dudes are horny but they strike out a lot.
Captain Kirk?
He scored every time!
"That's right baby...that's the way to launch my rocket."
I just can't help but ask myself whether there was more to his success than meets the eye.
While they made it seem to easy for him to get laid, what made him SO irresistible?
"I hate how it always takes two hands to jack off!"
Ok...so that would explain things a little bit.
But was he really so smooth and suave that he could literally make a woman fall into his arms with little or no effort? Or was there even more to it?
Was it his experience that turned the women on?
"These stimulate your nipples. I acquired them in the Delta Quadrant."
Maybe it was his authority?
Some women are attracted to that kind of power.
Of course it is possible he used his authority to get some action when he wasn't hitting a home run with the babes....
"What do you mean "You don't want to do a threesome? That's an order ensign!"
Of course personally I think that he learned a few things from Spock.
Spock was a sexy beast!
I would have totally done Spock.
Besides...I picture the "Spock Cock" looking like this...
"The Spock Cock Deluxe!"
That just looks like it would be a lot more fun than the average smooth and shiny kind, you know?
I think that Spock showed Kirk some tricks to make the ladies crazy too.
For example...
"And this is another special Vulcan love touch.It makes women crazy."
Live long and prosper my ass...that looks like a variation of the shocker to me. I even think they call it "the Spocker"....heh heh
Yes...Captain Kirk had help, I'm sure of it.
Even Bones helped him out.
One day as Bones was in sick bay with nurse Chapel, they made a startling discovery.
"What is it doctor?"
"They call it Viagra nurse Chapel. It was invented in the 21st century."
"What does it do?"
"Let's find out nurse...."
Of course once Bones re-discovered Viagra and informed Old Captain Kirk about it, he was even worse than before....
"MORE VIAGRA BONES! I'M HAVING COMPANY TONIGHT!"
Captain Kirk's "company" arrives...
"Our collective IQ is 107."
After Kirk discovered Viagra there was no stopping him....
It was like giving the man a bag of M&Ms....
"The green ones made him horny."
"The yellow ones made him horny."
"The brown ones made him horny."
He was simply out of control....
They were finally forced to destroy all the Viagra and the directions for making it after Kirk humiliated himself at a meeting with an important dignitary...
"Your guards hats look like they're concealing breasts...soft..tender..breasts. Make them take them off. I have to see them...touch them..."
Although he avoided a court martial, he managed to ruin any chance of having a happy retirement...
If I could still get my hands on some Viagra, you wouldn't be so quick to reject me!
Sadly, Kirk lived out the rest of his days on the Enterprise with the horrible nickname, "Limpy"...
"THE NEXT CREW MEMBER TO CALL ME LIMPY WILL BE ENERGIZED INTO OUTERSPACE!"
And there you have it!
My take on the entire Captain Kirk is a stud story line!
What do YOU think?
Got anything to add????
Saturday, June 20, 2009
A closet concussion and jelly and cat hair covered breasts
As you all know, I've been neglecting my blog to clean.
Yes...it's crazy but true.
I guess I just reached a point in my life where I decided I was tired of the disorganization and clutter.
Of course it helped motivate me when I leaned over on the floor in the hallway to reach beneath the hall tree and when I stood up, my boobs were covered in cat hair which was held in place by blobs of jelly.
I kind of had a meltdown.
Now I'm not exactly accusing my children of being pigs but when I say I live with the big bad wolf and the three little pigs, I am referring to them.
Mr.Man aka Big Bad Wolf just huffs and puffs and blows threats in the direction of the children.
The children aka The Three Little Pigs, put up their brick wall of indifference and continue to live a slovenly life.
"My family...how I love them."
I don't usually say much about it all.
I'm pretty laid back and easy going....definitely not a nag.
BUT the hairy jelly boobs REALLY pissed me off for some reason and I tore through the house on a rant to end all rants.
They have all stayed out of my way this week AND picked up after themselves.
Little Beatle said my eyes were bugging out of my head at least a good three inches. He was worried they wouldn't retract when I stopped yelling.
"IF YOU GUYS DON'T START PICKING UP AFTER YOURSELVES I WILL KILL SOMEBODY!"
I don't get mad very often but when I do...look out!
I started to clean the bathroom closets this morning.
There are two of them and they are the most impractical closets in the world.
The side closet is only 16 inches wide but runs the entire length of the wall behind the shower.
HOW THE HELL IS SOMEONE SUPPOSED TO STORE ANYTHING IN A CLOSET LIKE THAT?
"I never had any problems storing things in that closet."
I hit my head a grand total of six times before I threw a cussing fit and decided I needed to sit down because I think I gave myself a concussion.
My bathroom used to be a bedroom and sometime in the 50's, they converted it into a bathroom...thus the practically unusable closet.
I'm thinking that storage boxes with some kind of handle on the end will work.
I just needed to almost knock myself unconscious to figure that out.
Mr.Man and I watcher Pedi mow the lawn yesterday.
He is very methodical.
I've never seen someone mow the lawn quite like he does.
You could almost measure the distance perfectly between his rows of cut grass. It was quite a show.
He had headphones on so Mr.Man and I were speculating on what he might be listening to.
Mr.Man suggested that it might be something religious.
I said it was probably an instructional tape on how to safely obliterate your neighbors and their home without damaging your own.
Mr.Man agreed that I was probably right.
"First I will mow the lawn and then I'll blow up the neighbor's house, then I will ride Moana in celebration."
God...that visual causes me to want to drink.
Can you drink when you have a concussion?
Eh...I feel better. I don't think there's anything wrong with me...except for the hairy boobs.
Speaking of boobs...Mr.Man grabbed me and put my boob in his mouth yesterday. It left a wet spot on my shirt.
I didn't give it much thought and raced out of the house to bring Veggie Stick to Frowies.
We stopped at the grocery store to get apple juice for him.
I kept getting these "looks".
So I asked Veggie Stick, "Do I have two heads or what?"
She shrugged and said, "I don't know."
When I got in the car, I glanced in the mirror and noticed the HUGE wet spot on my right breast where Mr.Man's mouth had been.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Got milk?
I need a t-shirt that says that and then I can pull that wet boob look off anytime.
Mr.Man would like that...hehehehe
I have to get busy. I'll be back...
Yes...it's crazy but true.
I guess I just reached a point in my life where I decided I was tired of the disorganization and clutter.
Of course it helped motivate me when I leaned over on the floor in the hallway to reach beneath the hall tree and when I stood up, my boobs were covered in cat hair which was held in place by blobs of jelly.
I kind of had a meltdown.
Now I'm not exactly accusing my children of being pigs but when I say I live with the big bad wolf and the three little pigs, I am referring to them.
Mr.Man aka Big Bad Wolf just huffs and puffs and blows threats in the direction of the children.
The children aka The Three Little Pigs, put up their brick wall of indifference and continue to live a slovenly life.
"My family...how I love them."
I don't usually say much about it all.
I'm pretty laid back and easy going....definitely not a nag.
BUT the hairy jelly boobs REALLY pissed me off for some reason and I tore through the house on a rant to end all rants.
They have all stayed out of my way this week AND picked up after themselves.
Little Beatle said my eyes were bugging out of my head at least a good three inches. He was worried they wouldn't retract when I stopped yelling.
"IF YOU GUYS DON'T START PICKING UP AFTER YOURSELVES I WILL KILL SOMEBODY!"
I don't get mad very often but when I do...look out!
I started to clean the bathroom closets this morning.
There are two of them and they are the most impractical closets in the world.
The side closet is only 16 inches wide but runs the entire length of the wall behind the shower.
HOW THE HELL IS SOMEONE SUPPOSED TO STORE ANYTHING IN A CLOSET LIKE THAT?
"I never had any problems storing things in that closet."
I hit my head a grand total of six times before I threw a cussing fit and decided I needed to sit down because I think I gave myself a concussion.
My bathroom used to be a bedroom and sometime in the 50's, they converted it into a bathroom...thus the practically unusable closet.
I'm thinking that storage boxes with some kind of handle on the end will work.
I just needed to almost knock myself unconscious to figure that out.
Mr.Man and I watcher Pedi mow the lawn yesterday.
He is very methodical.
I've never seen someone mow the lawn quite like he does.
You could almost measure the distance perfectly between his rows of cut grass. It was quite a show.
He had headphones on so Mr.Man and I were speculating on what he might be listening to.
Mr.Man suggested that it might be something religious.
I said it was probably an instructional tape on how to safely obliterate your neighbors and their home without damaging your own.
Mr.Man agreed that I was probably right.
"First I will mow the lawn and then I'll blow up the neighbor's house, then I will ride Moana in celebration."
God...that visual causes me to want to drink.
Can you drink when you have a concussion?
Eh...I feel better. I don't think there's anything wrong with me...except for the hairy boobs.
Speaking of boobs...Mr.Man grabbed me and put my boob in his mouth yesterday. It left a wet spot on my shirt.
I didn't give it much thought and raced out of the house to bring Veggie Stick to Frowies.
We stopped at the grocery store to get apple juice for him.
I kept getting these "looks".
So I asked Veggie Stick, "Do I have two heads or what?"
She shrugged and said, "I don't know."
When I got in the car, I glanced in the mirror and noticed the HUGE wet spot on my right breast where Mr.Man's mouth had been.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Got milk?
I need a t-shirt that says that and then I can pull that wet boob look off anytime.
Mr.Man would like that...hehehehe
I have to get busy. I'll be back...
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Rubber chicken legs...
I'm cleaning out my kitchen.
I've purged the cupboards and I'm rearranging all the stupid shit I have that I have no idea where I got.
I NEVER shop for new kitchen stuff, yet I manage to accumulate new stuff all the time.
Are my children stealing kitchen stuff from their friend's houses?
Nah...
It's my mother.
Old Flaky insists that I'm living in filth and I have caveman appliances, so she buys me new shit when she visits. Plus she ALWAYS packs new dish towels and dish clothes in every single thing she mails me...it's weird.
Honestly my kitchen needs are simple...
Of course I do need to make sure I have room for the "essentials" so I'm forced to clean...once in awhile.
I have plastic containers that match absolutely nothing else in my kitchen. So I'm throwing it all out.
Veggie Stick came down and made vegetable soup for her lunch.
When she was cleaning up, she asked me for a container to put her left over soup in.
I simply stated to her, "We have no more plastic containers."
Well, you'd think that I'd just told her the Jonas brothers all had been abducted by aliens.
She flipped out and paced the kitchen....muttering to herself.
"I can't waste food. I need to find something to put this in. I wonder if I can use a coffee mug?"
Yeah...she only had enough soup left to fill a freakin coffee mug.
I looked at her and said, "JUST EAT THE REST OF THE SOUP! YOU'RE STARTING TO LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE DAMN RUBBER CHICKEN LEGS! EAT!IT'S NOT NORMAL FOR ANYONE TO WEAR A SIZE ZERO!"
She blinked a few times and then ate the rest of the soup, right out of the pot.
It was a flippin miracle.
Have you SEEN what rubber chicken legs look like?
Not very pretty huh?
I was forced to watch TV for an hour or so this morning. For some reason, my left arm and shoulder are KILLING me and I iced them down to see if it would help.
(It didn't help much but it's a little better...)
While I was trapped in a state of inactivity without booze, I flipped through the channels and watched a few shows.
The REAL Housewives....
REAL????
These broads look better than half of Hollywood AND none of them have a saggy tit in the group.
I'm wondering how someone concluded these women are real?
Their salon styled hair and veneered teeth don't exactly scream REAL to me.
When I think of a REAL HOUSEWIFE, I think of a woman who's too busy cleaning up after her family to even take a proper shower. (When I scratch my "Meow Meow Meow" it's NOT because I have cooties, it's probably because I didn't get to rinse all the soap out of that delicate area.
A REAL HOUSEWIFE doesn't wear designer clothes because she doesn't have the money to buy them and even if by some miracle she did have one item of clothing that bragged a designer tag, she wouldn't wear it anywhere near her kids because kids do things like SHIT THEMSELVES AND PROJECTILE VOMIT AND SPILL RED KOOL-AID!
Who's the fucking idiot that came up with this show's whole concept?
Hmmm...that explains a lot.
This dude has NO CLUE about housewivery and what it consists of.
Meh....
I keep my plastic in the cupboard. These broads carry theirs in their bodies...boob job? Nose job? Face lift?
They have more plastic in their bodies than Paris Hilton has in her wallet.
Yeah...that's enough blabbing for now.
I'm blabbed out.
Plus my shoulder hurts.Maybe Mr.Man will rub it for me tonight? I sure hope so...hehehehehe....who knows? Maybe the pain will travel south as he's rubbing?
I am SO bad...no wonder the man loves me so much!
I've purged the cupboards and I'm rearranging all the stupid shit I have that I have no idea where I got.
I NEVER shop for new kitchen stuff, yet I manage to accumulate new stuff all the time.
Are my children stealing kitchen stuff from their friend's houses?
Nah...
It's my mother.
Old Flaky insists that I'm living in filth and I have caveman appliances, so she buys me new shit when she visits. Plus she ALWAYS packs new dish towels and dish clothes in every single thing she mails me...it's weird.
Honestly my kitchen needs are simple...
Of course I do need to make sure I have room for the "essentials" so I'm forced to clean...once in awhile.
I have plastic containers that match absolutely nothing else in my kitchen. So I'm throwing it all out.
Veggie Stick came down and made vegetable soup for her lunch.
When she was cleaning up, she asked me for a container to put her left over soup in.
I simply stated to her, "We have no more plastic containers."
Well, you'd think that I'd just told her the Jonas brothers all had been abducted by aliens.
She flipped out and paced the kitchen....muttering to herself.
"I can't waste food. I need to find something to put this in. I wonder if I can use a coffee mug?"
Yeah...she only had enough soup left to fill a freakin coffee mug.
I looked at her and said, "JUST EAT THE REST OF THE SOUP! YOU'RE STARTING TO LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE DAMN RUBBER CHICKEN LEGS! EAT!IT'S NOT NORMAL FOR ANYONE TO WEAR A SIZE ZERO!"
She blinked a few times and then ate the rest of the soup, right out of the pot.
It was a flippin miracle.
Have you SEEN what rubber chicken legs look like?
Not very pretty huh?
I was forced to watch TV for an hour or so this morning. For some reason, my left arm and shoulder are KILLING me and I iced them down to see if it would help.
(It didn't help much but it's a little better...)
While I was trapped in a state of inactivity without booze, I flipped through the channels and watched a few shows.
The REAL Housewives....
REAL????
These broads look better than half of Hollywood AND none of them have a saggy tit in the group.
I'm wondering how someone concluded these women are real?
Their salon styled hair and veneered teeth don't exactly scream REAL to me.
When I think of a REAL HOUSEWIFE, I think of a woman who's too busy cleaning up after her family to even take a proper shower. (When I scratch my "Meow Meow Meow" it's NOT because I have cooties, it's probably because I didn't get to rinse all the soap out of that delicate area.
A REAL HOUSEWIFE doesn't wear designer clothes because she doesn't have the money to buy them and even if by some miracle she did have one item of clothing that bragged a designer tag, she wouldn't wear it anywhere near her kids because kids do things like SHIT THEMSELVES AND PROJECTILE VOMIT AND SPILL RED KOOL-AID!
Who's the fucking idiot that came up with this show's whole concept?
Hmmm...that explains a lot.
This dude has NO CLUE about housewivery and what it consists of.
Meh....
I keep my plastic in the cupboard. These broads carry theirs in their bodies...boob job? Nose job? Face lift?
They have more plastic in their bodies than Paris Hilton has in her wallet.
Yeah...that's enough blabbing for now.
I'm blabbed out.
Plus my shoulder hurts.Maybe Mr.Man will rub it for me tonight? I sure hope so...hehehehehe....who knows? Maybe the pain will travel south as he's rubbing?
I am SO bad...no wonder the man loves me so much!
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
I will KILL someone!!!
My fucking computer is pissing me off.
I have things to do, ok?
I need to finish my blog roll but in order to go to the pages to read or get the links it takes FOREVER!
FOREVER!
When I hit the post button it may or may not post or it might post after taking FOREVER to load it.
Someone is coming to save me from KILLING SOMEONE BECAUSE I CAN'T POST AND MY HEAD IS FILLING UP WITH THOUGHTS ABOUT THE ELDERLY HELLIONS I HAD TO DEAL WITH YESTERDAY!!!! but it's taking FOREVER for them to get here and honestly....I'm ready to pull my hair out.
"She's not kidding. And the hair she's pulling out is NOT on her head. That's one tough flicka!(Tougher than the skin on berserker Olaf's ass.)"
I have no idea what's going on with anyone and I have managed to read only a few blogs, luckily posting a comment on a couple.
The others?
I couldn't get the fucking page to load OR when I hit the comment button it wouldn't load.
I'm a little frustrated here, ok?
The cable company tech I talked to on the phone said he thought we might have had a hacker.
A hacker?
WTF?
I'm POOR! I have nothing hackable! I don't even store nude pictures on my computer. There is NOTHING of value a hacker could find on my computer. So if there is someone who's attached themself to my computer, I have one thing to say....WHY???
YOU'RE JUST FUCKING UP MY SHIT AND SLOWING DOWN MY LOADS AND I CAN'T FUCKING BLOG!
OH THE HUMANITY OF IT ALL...
"It is I, Bjorn the Horny One, ancestor of the Blonde Goddess, here to destroy the hacker and restore happiness to the one descendant of mine who is worthy to live up to my name!"
I will pray to the gods of technology that my computer will be fixed soon and I will be back among the witty and talented people on my blog roll.
*SOB*
I miss everyone.
Hell, I don't even know if this will post.
I'll hit load and then it might post and it might not.
Pray for me or sacrifice a twinkie or something.
I NEED MY COMPUTER TO WORK AGAIN!!!!
IN the meantime I've been cleaning.
CLEANING!
Do you have ANY idea how desperate I am for an activity that will occupy my mind so I don't have a melt down?
I'm FUCKING CLEANING DAMMIT!
That's desperate.
Anyway, I'm getting off here and I'm going to build a fire to the Gods and then prepare a feast of Lutefisk and Vodka in honor of their arrival.
"Let's party Blonde Goddess! Then I will vanquish your computer foe!"
In the meantime, I will probably have to write my thoughts down and save them in my documents and post them another time when I can get something to post.
This sucks...
I have things to do, ok?
I need to finish my blog roll but in order to go to the pages to read or get the links it takes FOREVER!
FOREVER!
When I hit the post button it may or may not post or it might post after taking FOREVER to load it.
Someone is coming to save me from KILLING SOMEONE BECAUSE I CAN'T POST AND MY HEAD IS FILLING UP WITH THOUGHTS ABOUT THE ELDERLY HELLIONS I HAD TO DEAL WITH YESTERDAY!!!! but it's taking FOREVER for them to get here and honestly....I'm ready to pull my hair out.
"She's not kidding. And the hair she's pulling out is NOT on her head. That's one tough flicka!(Tougher than the skin on berserker Olaf's ass.)"
I have no idea what's going on with anyone and I have managed to read only a few blogs, luckily posting a comment on a couple.
The others?
I couldn't get the fucking page to load OR when I hit the comment button it wouldn't load.
I'm a little frustrated here, ok?
The cable company tech I talked to on the phone said he thought we might have had a hacker.
A hacker?
WTF?
I'm POOR! I have nothing hackable! I don't even store nude pictures on my computer. There is NOTHING of value a hacker could find on my computer. So if there is someone who's attached themself to my computer, I have one thing to say....WHY???
YOU'RE JUST FUCKING UP MY SHIT AND SLOWING DOWN MY LOADS AND I CAN'T FUCKING BLOG!
OH THE HUMANITY OF IT ALL...
"It is I, Bjorn the Horny One, ancestor of the Blonde Goddess, here to destroy the hacker and restore happiness to the one descendant of mine who is worthy to live up to my name!"
I will pray to the gods of technology that my computer will be fixed soon and I will be back among the witty and talented people on my blog roll.
*SOB*
I miss everyone.
Hell, I don't even know if this will post.
I'll hit load and then it might post and it might not.
Pray for me or sacrifice a twinkie or something.
I NEED MY COMPUTER TO WORK AGAIN!!!!
IN the meantime I've been cleaning.
CLEANING!
Do you have ANY idea how desperate I am for an activity that will occupy my mind so I don't have a melt down?
I'm FUCKING CLEANING DAMMIT!
That's desperate.
Anyway, I'm getting off here and I'm going to build a fire to the Gods and then prepare a feast of Lutefisk and Vodka in honor of their arrival.
"Let's party Blonde Goddess! Then I will vanquish your computer foe!"
In the meantime, I will probably have to write my thoughts down and save them in my documents and post them another time when I can get something to post.
This sucks...
Friday, June 12, 2009
Crazy cat claws calf of constipated caretaker...
My cat is one of the most bizarre creatures to walk the face of the earth.
I think he has a problem with poop.
I'm not even lying.
EVERY time I sit on the toilet to poop and he's in the bathroom he insists on biting my feet JUST AS MR.DOODIE IS PEEKING OUT (if you know what I mean...)
Talk about a mood killer.
Mr.Doodie slides back into the cave of odors and won't come back out.
Then that damn cat will roll onto his back and fall asleep instantly, as though he's exhausted from saving the universe or something.
Stupid cat...
"I am the defender of the universe and nothing foul shall pass into my domain as long as I am on the job!"
I've been having some trouble sleeping lately so I've been staying up late and reading.
Last night I got on the computer to check something before I went to bed. I caught a flicker of light out of the corner of my eye. So I looked outside toward Moana and Pedi's house. I had a perfect view of their bedroom television. Imagine my horror?/delight? when I saw some dude pouring it to some naked chick on her hands and knees.
Porno?
At the Jesus Police house?
I wonder where THEY go to church?
Hell...I don't even watch porn and you all know how bad I am...(according to the Jesus Police anyway..)
Hmmm....
OK..so once again I need to remind you that if you don't see your name on my blog roll and it was there before, DON'T worry. It's been a hell of a week and I'm still working on it. If you haven't commented this week to leave me a link, leave one if you'd like to make my job easier. I'd appreciate it.
If you get bored, then you can always go back in my archives to last summer to learn more about my family or you can search for Helly or Spock and that should take you to something to read about my friends and our mischievous ways.
I've got to get off here and take a shower.
Mr.Man and I had so much fun going out yesterday that we're going out again today!
Have a good weekend!
I think he has a problem with poop.
I'm not even lying.
EVERY time I sit on the toilet to poop and he's in the bathroom he insists on biting my feet JUST AS MR.DOODIE IS PEEKING OUT (if you know what I mean...)
Talk about a mood killer.
Mr.Doodie slides back into the cave of odors and won't come back out.
Then that damn cat will roll onto his back and fall asleep instantly, as though he's exhausted from saving the universe or something.
Stupid cat...
"I am the defender of the universe and nothing foul shall pass into my domain as long as I am on the job!"
I've been having some trouble sleeping lately so I've been staying up late and reading.
Last night I got on the computer to check something before I went to bed. I caught a flicker of light out of the corner of my eye. So I looked outside toward Moana and Pedi's house. I had a perfect view of their bedroom television. Imagine my horror?/delight? when I saw some dude pouring it to some naked chick on her hands and knees.
Porno?
At the Jesus Police house?
I wonder where THEY go to church?
Hell...I don't even watch porn and you all know how bad I am...(according to the Jesus Police anyway..)
Hmmm....
OK..so once again I need to remind you that if you don't see your name on my blog roll and it was there before, DON'T worry. It's been a hell of a week and I'm still working on it. If you haven't commented this week to leave me a link, leave one if you'd like to make my job easier. I'd appreciate it.
If you get bored, then you can always go back in my archives to last summer to learn more about my family or you can search for Helly or Spock and that should take you to something to read about my friends and our mischievous ways.
I've got to get off here and take a shower.
Mr.Man and I had so much fun going out yesterday that we're going out again today!
Have a good weekend!
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Just to reintroduce you to my family....The Beericksons!
My time has been spent trying to redo my cast of characters, my blog roll and then my awards. When I changed my layout I obliterated all of that stuff because I'm computer illiterate.
"HUH?"
So in order to acquaint some of my newer readers with my family, I decided this gem dedicated to one set of my wonderful cousins.
It's from last June and a repeat but I go back to read those good old family posts when I'm homesick for Maine.
Anyway...hope you enjoy and I'll try to get the kinks worked out soon...
The Beericksons, Boozing cousins of the Goddess from June 10, 2008
I wanted to get started today with an award I made up all by myself. After yesterday's post all I could think about was Ron's comment and it kept me laughing to myself all damn day.
What'd he say that was so damn funny?
Well...after talking about the "Republuvicans' and the 'Dickocrats', he remarked that he thought he was an 'Independick.'
Very witty...very witty indeed.
And then I got thinking....there are a lot of people who comment on my blog who are witty.
SO...I made up this very special little award just for me to give out to people who make a witty comment that keeps me laughing all day long. I'm sure it'll get around to everyone who reads because there have been some pretty funny comments in my comment section.
Ron! This one's for you!
Seriously, Ron's wit is not confined just to his comments. Check out his blog. You'll find him over there on my blog roll....
Today I decided to skip over to the other side of the family. Mainly because one of the "Beericksons" called to talk to Mr.Man over the weekend.
The Beericksons are my cousins on my Nana's side of the family. There are five of them. Four boys and a girl. While I wasn't really that close to them when I was a kid, as soon as I was old enough to drink everything changed...
They're all older than me, with the youngest one being four years older than me.
The oldest boys all have names beginning with "G"...so for the sake of anonymity, I'll refer to them, oldest to youngest, as Goofy,(thusly named because he is tall and lanky like Goofy on Walt Disney), Gravy, (because this cousin can EAT and next to drinking, it's his favorite activity) and Golfer (because he is addicted to sports and especially golf, plays every day in fact). The daughter, who is next in line, I shall refer to as Pukey and this is because I have never been anywhere with her when she has not puked on herself or someone else. The youngest boy, who's name begins with an "R" I shall call "Ruby", because he is the only one with red hair like his father, the rest are all brunettes like their mother.
The Beericksons are the drinkingest bunch you'll ever meet in your life. I think it's safe to say that if you placed every beer bottle or can they've emptied side by side you would be able to circle the earth with them seven or eight times.
My relationship with the Beericksons became a closer one when they realized I could drink. We were all at a baseball game with them. There was some discussion about where to go after the game so they could drink. Several bars in town were open and a couple of restaurants that serve liquor too. It was decided that we'd head over to the bowling alley after the game so we could drink, order pizza and bowl a few games.
Thus the close relationship began...
That was the first time I saw Pukey in action. She consumed three slices of pizza and at least three pitchers of beer...by herself...in a matter of a couple hours. As we were walking into the parking lot, she hurled down the back of Gravy's shirt, who was too drunk to really understand what had happened. The other boys laughed and poured beer on Gravy, trying to get the chunks off his shirt before he climbed into Golfer's truck.
Crazy...I'm telling you right now.
Since that first night, I have seen more of them all than I ever though possible.
There was the time that Ruby passed out and they stripped him naked, carried him out of the hotel room and placed him on the sofa in the lobby, face down, with "ENTER HERE" written in red lipstick on his ass.
This was at one of the baseball tournament weekend trips we'd gone on....
They stripped Gravy down one night after he'd been the first one to pass out and wrote "Free Pet Worm To A Good Home" on this belly with an arrow pointing south and laid him in the parking lot of the camping ground we were staying at.
There was the time that Goofy and Golfer decided to put on a couple of Golfer's wife's bikinis and put on a fashion show for the rest of us. The grand finale was when Pukey not only crowned Goofy the winner, but also threw up her Crown Royal Canadian whiskey and coke down the front of his bikini bottoms.
We all got thrown out of a Chinese restaurant after 27 Volcano bowls (gee I wonder why?)but we were all too drunk to walk back to the hotel, so a pizza delivery guy too pity on us and made two trips with us back to our rooms. Pukey threw up on the trunk of his car. Then she flashed her boobs at him and said that it should more than make up for the mess...staggering into the hotel with her shirt still up over her head.
The Beerickson's are quite a group to hang out with.
Camping trips with the Beerickson's?
Well...living in northern Maine where the black flies are big enough to carry a toddler off, camping out is an experience that requires a certain amount of responsibility.
Responsibility and the Beericksons are like mixing water and oil...
We camped out one Memorial Day weekend at the river.
It was nothing more than a drunk fest.
We left on a Friday and set up camp. I vaguely remember a camp fire and laughing at Pukey being afraid that BigFoot would abduct her in her sleep. Saturday we had a big breakfast, did some swimming, fishing and canoed a little, then began drinking. The rest is a blur of laughing and staring at the fire. When we woke up Sunday morning, most of us were COVERED in black fly bites. We had welts all over the place.No one actually slept in the tent. We all passed out around the fire. Pukey's hair was matted on one side of her head with vomit...her trademark of course.Gravy had a blood sucker attached to his left nut. He screamed like a girl when he sobered up enough to realize what was going on. I can still remember Ruby laughing until he pissed himself, rolling on the ground, crying and choking from laughing so hard.
It was Golfer and Goofy's job to get the blood sucker off Gravy's nuts. Gravy screamed the entire time getting even louder when he saw them both come at him with a lighter and a salt shaker.
I still don't remember how they got it off him exactly but I can remember how hard we all laughed at the whole thing...good times...
Wow...
I didn't do much in the way of picture illustrations today, mainly because there is no need to illustrate the Beericksons. They are plenty colorful enough without pictures.
And yes...there will be stories about them when I get back from Maine this summer. Goofy called Mr.Man last night to make sure we'd be at two big bashes their planning while we're up there...
I'll be back tomorrow....
"HUH?"
So in order to acquaint some of my newer readers with my family, I decided this gem dedicated to one set of my wonderful cousins.
It's from last June and a repeat but I go back to read those good old family posts when I'm homesick for Maine.
Anyway...hope you enjoy and I'll try to get the kinks worked out soon...
The Beericksons, Boozing cousins of the Goddess from June 10, 2008
I wanted to get started today with an award I made up all by myself. After yesterday's post all I could think about was Ron's comment and it kept me laughing to myself all damn day.
What'd he say that was so damn funny?
Well...after talking about the "Republuvicans' and the 'Dickocrats', he remarked that he thought he was an 'Independick.'
Very witty...very witty indeed.
And then I got thinking....there are a lot of people who comment on my blog who are witty.
SO...I made up this very special little award just for me to give out to people who make a witty comment that keeps me laughing all day long. I'm sure it'll get around to everyone who reads because there have been some pretty funny comments in my comment section.
Ron! This one's for you!
Seriously, Ron's wit is not confined just to his comments. Check out his blog. You'll find him over there on my blog roll....
Today I decided to skip over to the other side of the family. Mainly because one of the "Beericksons" called to talk to Mr.Man over the weekend.
The Beericksons are my cousins on my Nana's side of the family. There are five of them. Four boys and a girl. While I wasn't really that close to them when I was a kid, as soon as I was old enough to drink everything changed...
They're all older than me, with the youngest one being four years older than me.
The oldest boys all have names beginning with "G"...so for the sake of anonymity, I'll refer to them, oldest to youngest, as Goofy,(thusly named because he is tall and lanky like Goofy on Walt Disney), Gravy, (because this cousin can EAT and next to drinking, it's his favorite activity) and Golfer (because he is addicted to sports and especially golf, plays every day in fact). The daughter, who is next in line, I shall refer to as Pukey and this is because I have never been anywhere with her when she has not puked on herself or someone else. The youngest boy, who's name begins with an "R" I shall call "Ruby", because he is the only one with red hair like his father, the rest are all brunettes like their mother.
The Beericksons are the drinkingest bunch you'll ever meet in your life. I think it's safe to say that if you placed every beer bottle or can they've emptied side by side you would be able to circle the earth with them seven or eight times.
My relationship with the Beericksons became a closer one when they realized I could drink. We were all at a baseball game with them. There was some discussion about where to go after the game so they could drink. Several bars in town were open and a couple of restaurants that serve liquor too. It was decided that we'd head over to the bowling alley after the game so we could drink, order pizza and bowl a few games.
Thus the close relationship began...
That was the first time I saw Pukey in action. She consumed three slices of pizza and at least three pitchers of beer...by herself...in a matter of a couple hours. As we were walking into the parking lot, she hurled down the back of Gravy's shirt, who was too drunk to really understand what had happened. The other boys laughed and poured beer on Gravy, trying to get the chunks off his shirt before he climbed into Golfer's truck.
Crazy...I'm telling you right now.
Since that first night, I have seen more of them all than I ever though possible.
There was the time that Ruby passed out and they stripped him naked, carried him out of the hotel room and placed him on the sofa in the lobby, face down, with "ENTER HERE" written in red lipstick on his ass.
This was at one of the baseball tournament weekend trips we'd gone on....
They stripped Gravy down one night after he'd been the first one to pass out and wrote "Free Pet Worm To A Good Home" on this belly with an arrow pointing south and laid him in the parking lot of the camping ground we were staying at.
There was the time that Goofy and Golfer decided to put on a couple of Golfer's wife's bikinis and put on a fashion show for the rest of us. The grand finale was when Pukey not only crowned Goofy the winner, but also threw up her Crown Royal Canadian whiskey and coke down the front of his bikini bottoms.
We all got thrown out of a Chinese restaurant after 27 Volcano bowls (gee I wonder why?)but we were all too drunk to walk back to the hotel, so a pizza delivery guy too pity on us and made two trips with us back to our rooms. Pukey threw up on the trunk of his car. Then she flashed her boobs at him and said that it should more than make up for the mess...staggering into the hotel with her shirt still up over her head.
The Beerickson's are quite a group to hang out with.
Camping trips with the Beerickson's?
Well...living in northern Maine where the black flies are big enough to carry a toddler off, camping out is an experience that requires a certain amount of responsibility.
Responsibility and the Beericksons are like mixing water and oil...
We camped out one Memorial Day weekend at the river.
It was nothing more than a drunk fest.
We left on a Friday and set up camp. I vaguely remember a camp fire and laughing at Pukey being afraid that BigFoot would abduct her in her sleep. Saturday we had a big breakfast, did some swimming, fishing and canoed a little, then began drinking. The rest is a blur of laughing and staring at the fire. When we woke up Sunday morning, most of us were COVERED in black fly bites. We had welts all over the place.No one actually slept in the tent. We all passed out around the fire. Pukey's hair was matted on one side of her head with vomit...her trademark of course.Gravy had a blood sucker attached to his left nut. He screamed like a girl when he sobered up enough to realize what was going on. I can still remember Ruby laughing until he pissed himself, rolling on the ground, crying and choking from laughing so hard.
It was Golfer and Goofy's job to get the blood sucker off Gravy's nuts. Gravy screamed the entire time getting even louder when he saw them both come at him with a lighter and a salt shaker.
I still don't remember how they got it off him exactly but I can remember how hard we all laughed at the whole thing...good times...
Wow...
I didn't do much in the way of picture illustrations today, mainly because there is no need to illustrate the Beericksons. They are plenty colorful enough without pictures.
And yes...there will be stories about them when I get back from Maine this summer. Goofy called Mr.Man last night to make sure we'd be at two big bashes their planning while we're up there...
I'll be back tomorrow....
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
No body cavity search...but close.
Have you ever spent a day walking around in a total fog?
How about a week?
A month?
YOUR WHOLE LIFE?
Welcome to the life of the Blonde Goddess.
"I have no idea what's going on...."
As I drove through my fair city this morning, I waved at the policemen whom I'm well acquainted and went about my business.
As I continued driving, they pulled out behind me but I wasn't concerned because I wasn't speeding and I wasn't doing anything wrong.
So as I pulled onto the interstate and they turned their lights on, I pulled over so they could pass, assuming there was an accident or something they were going to.
NOPE.
They pulled in behind me.
The officer walked up to me and asked me if I knew why I'd been pulled over.
Of course I DIDN'T know why and it was written all over my face.
So I said, "I don't know. Is there a taillight out or something?"
He chuckled and said that not only was my inspection sticker dead, but so was my registration. Then he asked for my driver's license, registration and proof of insurance.
I almost shit myself.
I have never so much as had an accident, let alone a speeding ticket or even a written warning.
NEVER...
It was pretty embarrassing to realize that I had allowed these two things to slip by unnoticed.
I'm mean, I'm not the most organized person in the world but I do tend to stay on top of things.
Anyway, he came back with a ticket and a grand total of almost $700.00 dollars in fines, allowed me to suffer a mini-stroke at the sight of it, and then said he'd dismiss the ticket if I'd come in with proof I'd fixed the problem by Saturday.
Then he wrote a note along the side of the ticket stating the same thing and gave me my copy.
WHEW!
SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS!
THANK GOD I CAN FIX IT WITHOUT HAVING TO PAY THAT!
He told me that the expression on my face was enough to convince him that I honestly didn't have a clue it had all expired, so he was cutting me some slack.
I told him I was "blonde impaired and probably needed my own handler."
He was still laughing about it when I drove off.
I'm still working on the blogroll and stuff. If you don't see your name on there, don't panic. If you haven't commented already just leave me a reminder. I'm blonde...I need the help.
See you tomorrow....
How about a week?
A month?
YOUR WHOLE LIFE?
Welcome to the life of the Blonde Goddess.
"I have no idea what's going on...."
As I drove through my fair city this morning, I waved at the policemen whom I'm well acquainted and went about my business.
As I continued driving, they pulled out behind me but I wasn't concerned because I wasn't speeding and I wasn't doing anything wrong.
So as I pulled onto the interstate and they turned their lights on, I pulled over so they could pass, assuming there was an accident or something they were going to.
NOPE.
They pulled in behind me.
The officer walked up to me and asked me if I knew why I'd been pulled over.
Of course I DIDN'T know why and it was written all over my face.
So I said, "I don't know. Is there a taillight out or something?"
He chuckled and said that not only was my inspection sticker dead, but so was my registration. Then he asked for my driver's license, registration and proof of insurance.
I almost shit myself.
I have never so much as had an accident, let alone a speeding ticket or even a written warning.
NEVER...
It was pretty embarrassing to realize that I had allowed these two things to slip by unnoticed.
I'm mean, I'm not the most organized person in the world but I do tend to stay on top of things.
Anyway, he came back with a ticket and a grand total of almost $700.00 dollars in fines, allowed me to suffer a mini-stroke at the sight of it, and then said he'd dismiss the ticket if I'd come in with proof I'd fixed the problem by Saturday.
Then he wrote a note along the side of the ticket stating the same thing and gave me my copy.
WHEW!
SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS!
THANK GOD I CAN FIX IT WITHOUT HAVING TO PAY THAT!
He told me that the expression on my face was enough to convince him that I honestly didn't have a clue it had all expired, so he was cutting me some slack.
I told him I was "blonde impaired and probably needed my own handler."
He was still laughing about it when I drove off.
I'm still working on the blogroll and stuff. If you don't see your name on there, don't panic. If you haven't commented already just leave me a reminder. I'm blonde...I need the help.
See you tomorrow....
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
HI HO HI HO...
Hi Ho's are creme filled aren't they?
Or is that Ho Ho's?
"THAT'S A BEER GUT! IT'S NOT CREME FILLING!"
Anyway, as you can see I'm diligently working to reload my blog roll. If you have a moment and you don't see your name on there, can you leave me a link or something? It would be greatly appreciated. That shit is time consuming!
I need to find time to redo my cast of characters list too. If I get the urge to write about Helly or Spock, there will be confusion...and we can't have that can we?
"Spock used to steal cigarettes from his parents store. He never got caught.The Olsens were convinced the rats were hauling off with packs of cigarettes to build nests,(even though they'd never even SEEN a rat anywhere near their store)."
See? Some of you have NO IDEA what I'm talking about.
Don't be alarmed...the cast of characters will return all in good time.
So far Little Beatle seems to be sticking it out at camp. I brought him and Miss KIA to camp on Sunday and in spite of his poison ivy, he wanted to go, so I let him.
I was worried that he might be hesitant to be away from me,(because he's never done that before) but he was really ok with it. In fact, I unwittingly walked around the registration process with my fly wide open (which I didn't discover until I sat down in my car).
If he or Miss KIA caught that, then there were probably just ITCHING to get AWAY from me.
Come to think of it, they both chose to walk down to the cabins instead of riding with me. Maybe it was the fact that I was sitting alone in my car laughing my ass off about my fly being unzipped?
Nah...
Last night I relaxed with my neighbor and her girlfriend. We had a few drinks on the porch and talked about the Jesus Police. It was a lot of fun and we laughed like idiots.
I really needed that. It was great to laugh that hard.
Today I will try to gather my thoughts a little more and continue to read both of the books I'm enthralled with, which I can't put down.
The Beginning by Catherine Coulter is actually two of her novels in one book. I don't think I've ever read anything by her before but this has held my interest and there is a good flow to the writing, which I enjoy.
The other book I can't put down is Rise the Euphrates by Carol Edgarian. This book is about a woman who survived the 1915 Turkish massacre of the Armenians. It goes into her story and also draws in her granddaughter and how that event affects the entire family. It's honestly a very good book.
Anyway, I'm just yammering on and on.
I'm not going anywhere but you know how it is...when you get a bad sunburn, you try to stay out of the sun for awhile.
So I think I'll kick back and read....
That's all I've got for now.
LINKS! LINKS! Don't forget!
Or is that Ho Ho's?
"THAT'S A BEER GUT! IT'S NOT CREME FILLING!"
Anyway, as you can see I'm diligently working to reload my blog roll. If you have a moment and you don't see your name on there, can you leave me a link or something? It would be greatly appreciated. That shit is time consuming!
I need to find time to redo my cast of characters list too. If I get the urge to write about Helly or Spock, there will be confusion...and we can't have that can we?
"Spock used to steal cigarettes from his parents store. He never got caught.The Olsens were convinced the rats were hauling off with packs of cigarettes to build nests,(even though they'd never even SEEN a rat anywhere near their store)."
See? Some of you have NO IDEA what I'm talking about.
Don't be alarmed...the cast of characters will return all in good time.
So far Little Beatle seems to be sticking it out at camp. I brought him and Miss KIA to camp on Sunday and in spite of his poison ivy, he wanted to go, so I let him.
I was worried that he might be hesitant to be away from me,(because he's never done that before) but he was really ok with it. In fact, I unwittingly walked around the registration process with my fly wide open (which I didn't discover until I sat down in my car).
If he or Miss KIA caught that, then there were probably just ITCHING to get AWAY from me.
Come to think of it, they both chose to walk down to the cabins instead of riding with me. Maybe it was the fact that I was sitting alone in my car laughing my ass off about my fly being unzipped?
Nah...
Last night I relaxed with my neighbor and her girlfriend. We had a few drinks on the porch and talked about the Jesus Police. It was a lot of fun and we laughed like idiots.
I really needed that. It was great to laugh that hard.
Today I will try to gather my thoughts a little more and continue to read both of the books I'm enthralled with, which I can't put down.
The Beginning by Catherine Coulter is actually two of her novels in one book. I don't think I've ever read anything by her before but this has held my interest and there is a good flow to the writing, which I enjoy.
The other book I can't put down is Rise the Euphrates by Carol Edgarian. This book is about a woman who survived the 1915 Turkish massacre of the Armenians. It goes into her story and also draws in her granddaughter and how that event affects the entire family. It's honestly a very good book.
Anyway, I'm just yammering on and on.
I'm not going anywhere but you know how it is...when you get a bad sunburn, you try to stay out of the sun for awhile.
So I think I'll kick back and read....
That's all I've got for now.
LINKS! LINKS! Don't forget!
Monday, June 8, 2009
Under construction...
I'll be working on a new layout and hopefully a header(if I can figure out how to make one that looks halfway decent.)
Then I will redo my blog roll.
It might take some time but I'll get it fixed.
In the meantime it also allows me to get my head straight.
I wanted to write something fun this morning but my heart's not in it.
I feel like my escape has been compromised.
Yes, I am crude on here and rude and I make sexual innuendos. But it's all in fun. I exaggerate a little about running through my back yard in the nude all the time, but it's meant to be silly.
Fun...that's all this blog has ever been about for me.
I get up in the morning and I look for some humor in my life...in this world.
I don't want to stress over the economy or politics or the senseless killing.
I want to escape all of that and laugh. How much laughter is there in this world anymore?
You turn on the tv and it's reality shows revolving around drama and back biting. It's almost as depressing as the news.
And of course when one has been though some very traumatic things, regaining that carefree and fun attitude takes a lot of hard work.
Those pesky demons are relentless.
I've been through a lot in my life.
I CHOOSE not to re-live it and believe me, I have to work at it.
Once was enough for me, thank you very much.
When you've been in a shit pile, it's enough of a struggle to get rid of the scent of it that lingers in your nostrils once you've escaped.
So I focus on the fun, the unusual and try to maintain a positive outlook on things.
This is the place for me to do that.
And it's tough for me to feel safe doing that today.
I don't think when I write...I just do it and it takes me away to a place where I can be silly and stupid and laugh.
While it may seem egotistical, I come back to my blog when I'm down and laugh at my stupidity.
It might not make sense to anyone else but it makes sense to me. And it helps ME through some pretty rough patches.
So I'm not writing anything today that will make me laugh or anyone else.
I'm going to duck and cover instead,but I'll be busy working on the layout.
I need to reclaim my escape and I think a fresh start on the layout and stuff will help.
I'll be back soon.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
I'm gonna need comments for links please...
IN my haste to change my layout...I lost my blogroll widget.
While I can remember every single person on it, the web pages are not always the same as the people.
So if you're one of the people I read, and you have a moment, comment with some small thing like #3 or whatever so I can get your link.
I'll work on it tomorrow.
So why'd I change my profile picture?
Because I now have fifty million perverts wanting to chat with me on the webcam.
Great....
I don't even HAVE a webcam.
I know I said I wanted new followers a couple of posts ago, but I meant followers...not STALKERS!
I have a mad desire to say something inappropriate but I feel like I may be struck down by lightening if I do and then ALL the hair on my body will be tightly curled, not just the "meow meow meow" part.
And for those of you who are confused and upset at not seeing the alleged nude pictures of me...THERE WERE NO NUDE PICTURES!
For crying out loud...I'm crude and rude and talk about inappropriate stuff but I haven't even posted a picture of my cleavage.
Stop getting so worked up.
You didn't miss anything...I swear.
Remember the comment so I can relink you! Thanks!
While I can remember every single person on it, the web pages are not always the same as the people.
So if you're one of the people I read, and you have a moment, comment with some small thing like #3 or whatever so I can get your link.
I'll work on it tomorrow.
So why'd I change my profile picture?
Because I now have fifty million perverts wanting to chat with me on the webcam.
Great....
I don't even HAVE a webcam.
I know I said I wanted new followers a couple of posts ago, but I meant followers...not STALKERS!
I have a mad desire to say something inappropriate but I feel like I may be struck down by lightening if I do and then ALL the hair on my body will be tightly curled, not just the "meow meow meow" part.
And for those of you who are confused and upset at not seeing the alleged nude pictures of me...THERE WERE NO NUDE PICTURES!
For crying out loud...I'm crude and rude and talk about inappropriate stuff but I haven't even posted a picture of my cleavage.
Stop getting so worked up.
You didn't miss anything...I swear.
Remember the comment so I can relink you! Thanks!
A hard pill to swallow...
This was posted by another blogger.
An open letter to Tammie:
I have contemplated this too long not to speak.
I used to be like you. Flowing innuendos
Drunken webcams
Mentioning KY and not referring to Kentucky
(never mentioning condoms .. they are cruel)
I followed your site for a while
thinking maybe there was more to you
.. I was let down.
I used to be like you
because I wanted more site viewers too.
But after a few years of the nonsense
I realized I was using my body
to get someone to appreciate my brain.
Bad PR right there.
After making a few changes
and seeking out people who had my same interests
(instead of baiting with sex)
I have more subscribers on my RSS feed
and quality feedback on my posts.
You can be cute and still offer quality content
that is not tied to how well you can polish his pole.
Several of us are pulling it off.
It is not that I find you replusive
just redundant.
… that is all.
It was terribly hurtful.
It was also posted in a forum where a lot of people can read it.
That just made it more humiliating and embarrassing.
I can take the blows....god only knows I've had my share of them, but sometimes I'll get one that really knocks the wind out of me.
Consider me breathless...
An open letter to Tammie:
I have contemplated this too long not to speak.
I used to be like you. Flowing innuendos
Drunken webcams
Mentioning KY and not referring to Kentucky
(never mentioning condoms .. they are cruel)
I followed your site for a while
thinking maybe there was more to you
.. I was let down.
I used to be like you
because I wanted more site viewers too.
But after a few years of the nonsense
I realized I was using my body
to get someone to appreciate my brain.
Bad PR right there.
After making a few changes
and seeking out people who had my same interests
(instead of baiting with sex)
I have more subscribers on my RSS feed
and quality feedback on my posts.
You can be cute and still offer quality content
that is not tied to how well you can polish his pole.
Several of us are pulling it off.
It is not that I find you replusive
just redundant.
… that is all.
It was terribly hurtful.
It was also posted in a forum where a lot of people can read it.
That just made it more humiliating and embarrassing.
I can take the blows....god only knows I've had my share of them, but sometimes I'll get one that really knocks the wind out of me.
Consider me breathless...
Friday, June 5, 2009
Balls on fire, sinner red and the hungry kitty....
So I totally whored myself out in my last post and I feel cheap.
I would have preferred to feel orgasmic or intoxicated but NO! I got to feel cheap and somewhat embarrassed instead.
Goddamnit!
"Face it dahling! You're a blog whore and you've stooped to being an attention slut!"
NO! NO I'M NOT!
I am so ashamed...
Meh...I'll live. And just for the the record, I'm not high maintenance like Malach said....
Imagine my delight yesterday when I stepped out into the back yard and saw old Moana outside. She was walking through her backyard, sporting tightly curled pig tails and stretchy pants.
She turned her back to me and then bent over to pick up something.
That's when her pants split along the crack of her ass revealing her "I've been saved and I'm going home to Jesus" white as snow panties.
(I made a mental note to wear a hot pink thong the next time I got in a "mood" and decided to get drunk in the backyard and undress.)
She stood up and walked into her house, never turning around to see if I was still there or not. I used the opportunity to go inside so she wouldn't see that I'd witnessed her disgrace.
I only appear to be a bitch.
I'm not actually one...or at least I try not to be.
Of course I just got a mental picture of her in a devilish red ensemble and I think the angelic white is better...
"Moana decided to surprise Pedi with her new "Sinner Red" lingerie."
Umm....ok.
You now know the visual that will accompany the moaning I hear from next door the next time it happens.
Yesterday I was waiting at the pharmacy for a prescription. I sat down across from another lady and picked up a magazine.
Then the SMELL hit me.
It was enough to make my eyes water.
Imagine a can of rotting sardines mixed with a shit sandwich and you're almost close to the nasty odor that tormented me.
Then all of the sudden, the smell went away.
JUST LIKE THAT!
Then a few minutes later it came back...JUST LIKE THAT!
WTF?
I looked around and wondered what the fuck was going on.
That's when I noticed the woman across from me uncrossing her legs and leaning back with them open.
INSTANT ODOR! GAG!
She crossed her legs...no odor...
I wanted to say something to her, but because I'm so fucking nice, I decided to wait until I could blog about it instead.
I mean...maybe she had something wrong with her "meow meow meow" and was there to get some medication for it.
"I ate some fish but that shit sandwich really fucked me up!"
Yeah...maybe a vinegar and water mixer would have helped you out there miss "meow meow meow". My kitty gets one once in awhile, you know?
The Little Beatle has poison ivy and it's spread to his balls.
While I can't help but chuckle,I do feel bad for him.
He's laying in bed with his legs spread underneath a sheet trying to air them out and keep it cool.
The other night when he discovered it had spread there, he put the same lotion on that we'd bought for him to put on the rest of his poison ivy. It's a special mixture one of the local pharmacies makes and not only does it stop the itching but it dries it up too.
That wasn't a good idea apparently, since there is menthol in it and it set his balls on FIRE!
"Great balls on fire!"
I woke up to the sound of him squealing and water running in the tub.
Let's just say that we got him something from the doctor yesterday to help him out. I'm sure he'll be fine in no time at all...
Well anyway, I have got to get off here. The whole post reminded me that it's time to give my "kitty" a refreshing vinegar mixer and a haircut. It is swimsuit season after all.
Have a great weekend!
I would have preferred to feel orgasmic or intoxicated but NO! I got to feel cheap and somewhat embarrassed instead.
Goddamnit!
"Face it dahling! You're a blog whore and you've stooped to being an attention slut!"
NO! NO I'M NOT!
I am so ashamed...
Meh...I'll live. And just for the the record, I'm not high maintenance like Malach said....
Imagine my delight yesterday when I stepped out into the back yard and saw old Moana outside. She was walking through her backyard, sporting tightly curled pig tails and stretchy pants.
She turned her back to me and then bent over to pick up something.
That's when her pants split along the crack of her ass revealing her "I've been saved and I'm going home to Jesus" white as snow panties.
(I made a mental note to wear a hot pink thong the next time I got in a "mood" and decided to get drunk in the backyard and undress.)
She stood up and walked into her house, never turning around to see if I was still there or not. I used the opportunity to go inside so she wouldn't see that I'd witnessed her disgrace.
I only appear to be a bitch.
I'm not actually one...or at least I try not to be.
Of course I just got a mental picture of her in a devilish red ensemble and I think the angelic white is better...
"Moana decided to surprise Pedi with her new "Sinner Red" lingerie."
Umm....ok.
You now know the visual that will accompany the moaning I hear from next door the next time it happens.
Yesterday I was waiting at the pharmacy for a prescription. I sat down across from another lady and picked up a magazine.
Then the SMELL hit me.
It was enough to make my eyes water.
Imagine a can of rotting sardines mixed with a shit sandwich and you're almost close to the nasty odor that tormented me.
Then all of the sudden, the smell went away.
JUST LIKE THAT!
Then a few minutes later it came back...JUST LIKE THAT!
WTF?
I looked around and wondered what the fuck was going on.
That's when I noticed the woman across from me uncrossing her legs and leaning back with them open.
INSTANT ODOR! GAG!
She crossed her legs...no odor...
I wanted to say something to her, but because I'm so fucking nice, I decided to wait until I could blog about it instead.
I mean...maybe she had something wrong with her "meow meow meow" and was there to get some medication for it.
"I ate some fish but that shit sandwich really fucked me up!"
Yeah...maybe a vinegar and water mixer would have helped you out there miss "meow meow meow". My kitty gets one once in awhile, you know?
The Little Beatle has poison ivy and it's spread to his balls.
While I can't help but chuckle,I do feel bad for him.
He's laying in bed with his legs spread underneath a sheet trying to air them out and keep it cool.
The other night when he discovered it had spread there, he put the same lotion on that we'd bought for him to put on the rest of his poison ivy. It's a special mixture one of the local pharmacies makes and not only does it stop the itching but it dries it up too.
That wasn't a good idea apparently, since there is menthol in it and it set his balls on FIRE!
"Great balls on fire!"
I woke up to the sound of him squealing and water running in the tub.
Let's just say that we got him something from the doctor yesterday to help him out. I'm sure he'll be fine in no time at all...
Well anyway, I have got to get off here. The whole post reminded me that it's time to give my "kitty" a refreshing vinegar mixer and a haircut. It is swimsuit season after all.
Have a great weekend!
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
I want what everyone else has...so there.
First of all let me say that I'm not normally a needy person.
I'm pretty self sufficient and honestly enjoy being that way.
But dammit, when I look around and see all the fun other people are having and all the interaction they have with interesting non-crazy people, I feel like I'm missing out!
"I am hypnotizing you with my powers....you will do what I want..."
I have a list of my demands.
1. I need a different lay out. Dr.Zibbs asked for volunteers to submit a new header for his blog and he got it! Just like that! So that's what I want. I want a new fancy smancy header...
"This is not a fancy smancy one..."
2. I want more followers. No wait...I'm changing my mind about that one. I think I'm happy to be primarily stalked anonymously. I have a lot more readers than followers and I believe it's because I'm everyone's "dirty little secret." My blog is embarrassing and very few want to admit to reading it. Plus I'm insane and I don't show any body parts on it. Very boring and very odd. I wouldn't claim it either.
"The Blonde Goddess is just too weird for me...er...us.I can't allow other people to find out I...we read her blog."
3. I think I need a t-shirt. It would have a picture of me on the front with the eyes cut out of it where the boobies go. The boobies would double as eyes and everyone would be happy...especially me. The holes could also be a metaphor for my nipples of death and all who wore the shirts would wear them with reverence for my super powers.
"A shirt like this one except my face instead of Sponge Bob's. SHUT UP! I know he's cuter than me but it's supposed to be MY fucking shirt!!!"
4. I need music on this damn blog...I think. I would like to have mood music for people to optionally listen to as they're reading. Hell..I'd like the option. I don't want those annoying play list things that play fifty songs in a row though and I definitely want people to have the option to either turn it on or off. Those ones are the best.
"Mood music would be nice, dontcha think?"
5. I would enjoy an occasional picture of some guys hands or mouths. Yes...I am a hands and mouth kind of girl. Why the hell can't I get some dudes to send me pictures of their sexy hands? And why, OH WHY, am I not allowed to view the lushess lips of a manly man once in awhile? It fucking pisses me off.
"DO NOT send me some mamby pamby ass mouth picture like this one...hell no!"
6. I want comments. Yes...comments with pictures of manly hands and mouths. And headline submissions. Yep...damnit. Is that so much to ask?
"She wants comments! HAHAHAHA! How about, "You're a fucking nut!"
Anyway...that's what I want.
I will write a "T" poem but I have to be in the mood for it. These things can't be worked on...they have to just happen like the "P" poem. I suck at planning that kind of shit. It's spontaneous or nothing.
Give me what I want....
"PLEASE?"
That is all...end transmission.
I'm pretty self sufficient and honestly enjoy being that way.
But dammit, when I look around and see all the fun other people are having and all the interaction they have with interesting non-crazy people, I feel like I'm missing out!
"I am hypnotizing you with my powers....you will do what I want..."
I have a list of my demands.
1. I need a different lay out. Dr.Zibbs asked for volunteers to submit a new header for his blog and he got it! Just like that! So that's what I want. I want a new fancy smancy header...
"This is not a fancy smancy one..."
2. I want more followers. No wait...I'm changing my mind about that one. I think I'm happy to be primarily stalked anonymously. I have a lot more readers than followers and I believe it's because I'm everyone's "dirty little secret." My blog is embarrassing and very few want to admit to reading it. Plus I'm insane and I don't show any body parts on it. Very boring and very odd. I wouldn't claim it either.
"The Blonde Goddess is just too weird for me...er...us.I can't allow other people to find out I...we read her blog."
3. I think I need a t-shirt. It would have a picture of me on the front with the eyes cut out of it where the boobies go. The boobies would double as eyes and everyone would be happy...especially me. The holes could also be a metaphor for my nipples of death and all who wore the shirts would wear them with reverence for my super powers.
"A shirt like this one except my face instead of Sponge Bob's. SHUT UP! I know he's cuter than me but it's supposed to be MY fucking shirt!!!"
4. I need music on this damn blog...I think. I would like to have mood music for people to optionally listen to as they're reading. Hell..I'd like the option. I don't want those annoying play list things that play fifty songs in a row though and I definitely want people to have the option to either turn it on or off. Those ones are the best.
"Mood music would be nice, dontcha think?"
5. I would enjoy an occasional picture of some guys hands or mouths. Yes...I am a hands and mouth kind of girl. Why the hell can't I get some dudes to send me pictures of their sexy hands? And why, OH WHY, am I not allowed to view the lushess lips of a manly man once in awhile? It fucking pisses me off.
"DO NOT send me some mamby pamby ass mouth picture like this one...hell no!"
6. I want comments. Yes...comments with pictures of manly hands and mouths. And headline submissions. Yep...damnit. Is that so much to ask?
"She wants comments! HAHAHAHA! How about, "You're a fucking nut!"
Anyway...that's what I want.
I will write a "T" poem but I have to be in the mood for it. These things can't be worked on...they have to just happen like the "P" poem. I suck at planning that kind of shit. It's spontaneous or nothing.
Give me what I want....
"PLEASE?"
That is all...end transmission.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)