MA...MA...MA....MA...MOTHER IS COMING!!!!

Oh my GOD! My mother is on her way to my house. I've been cleaning the last four days while fighting off panic attacks.

You have to understand how she is in order to be able to sympathize with me.

My mother dusts beneath her beds EVERY SINGLE DAY!
I dust beneath my beds ONCE A YEAR!! (Maybe)
There's probably enough dust beneath my bed to have a dust dinosaur. Dust Bunnies are the things that hang from the corners of my ceilings.

I'm kind of anal about certain things, like clean clothes and bleached counters and clean fridges and stuff like that, but in the dust department, well...I don't really sweat it. I have to have clean in order to cook, so that's one area I'm anal about.
But as for the rest of my cleaning abilities, I fall miserably short of my mother's expectations.
I'm a clutter pile kind of gal. If it's stacked neatly in a pile, then in my eyes, it's put away.

Neat little piles....that's my way of putting stuff away.

My MOM on the other hand has a place for everything and everything in it's place. She comes to my house and looks around like, "Is it safe to sit here?" and "Will anything fall on me if I sit here?"

Let's just say that we both have our own way of cleaning.

It makes me nervous when she visits. I've drawn a blank all week about what to write because all I have been able to think about is her visit and her critiquing of my house.

I'm still not done cleaning but that's ok. I can always blame part of the mess on the kids.

Heh...heh...those dirty brats! They are slobs!!! BWAHAHAHA!!!

Yeah...she doesn't fall for that either.

*SIGH*

So...the stuff I have left I will carry to the basement. Then the mountain of laundry that's laying in my bedroom in clothes baskets will become a pretty little loveseat after I cover it with a throw.
Er...maybe that will work. I haven't actually tried it yet.

Ok...so it's time to get back to work. I'll just have to let you know how things went when she leaves Monday.

Lots of alcohol will help me cope until then.

*GRIN*

Wish me luck!!!

I hope everyone has a nice Labor Day weekend!!!

The FAT ASS that MOWS GRASS!!!

I'm really bitchy. It's not even that time of the month, you know, when Aunt Flow arrives and you consume everything brown, hoping it's chocolate, bitch without ceasing and feel as though someone placed a steel bear trap on your uterus.
It's not even THAT kind of bitchy.

Actually I don't know what's wrong with me.

I should be dancing naked through my house, throwing cookies in the air and catching them in my mouth. The kids are all back in school and I actually have the house to myself....
BUT
And it's a big BUT...
I'm slammed with things to do. I have NO TIME.
And I feel bad physically.
I sat down for a few minutes to have a cup of coffee and I went to pick the cat up out of my lap, because it was heavy and IT WASN'T MY CAT!!! IT WAS MY GUT!!!

I need to start power walking again. I like the feeling I get when I walk. I put on the old IPOD and walk through town like, "What are you looking at? I should kick your ass for looking at me."

HAHAHAHA....yeah right. Actually my ass will continue to grow and sag so soon I'll be kicking my OWN ass every time I take a step.
I need to get in shape.

Oh yeah...what's up with teen girls? They have been parading themselves through the city I live in, dressed like whores and acting like bitches in heat.

It frightens me.

I tell my son to go inside as they pass the house. Don't look son, don't look...

I'm going to mow the upper field tonight while my son practices ball. I'm looking forward to that sweaty, scratchy feeling I get when mowing. I feel all manly and stuff and I even caught myself trying to scratch my balls while searching for a beer when I finished mowing last week.

That's all I have. I'm bitter and bitchy and bigger than I was the last time I wrote in here.

Cat in my lap...my GOD!!!!

Black Friday....

Today I will attempt to take three of my kids school shopping. We've been once or twice already, mind you, but apparently there are still many things they do not have that we still need to buy.
That, along with the recent dental work, has caused me to make an appointment with a black market dude to sell one of my kidneys. I should be able to finance this month's activities with the proceeds.

To be honest, I'd rather jab a sharp stick in my eye than take them shopping. I'd rather jump into a snake pit than take them shopping. I HATE shopping in the first place and today it will be even worse than the normal shopping trip.

There will be scads of Barbie doll wanna be's combing the mall today. They will throw dirty looks at eachother and try to look threatening. Try is the key word here. But of course, my two teen girls will make snotty comments to each other and give dirty looks back. It would actually be entertaining except that I have to listen to the nasty barbie girl comments that are exchanged between them all. They're incredibly stupid and I have lost my patience for the little girl drama.

*Up on the soapbox."

Is it just me or are teens very violent today? They all want to kick eachother's ass for looking at them or talking to their boyfriend or having the same shirt. It's stupid. It's all I hear from teen girls anyway. When I hear it from my girls I threaten grounding them and they shut the hello kitty up. But it still comes from the other girls. My daughters will tell me that so and so said they were going to kick their ass because their boyfriend likes them.

WTF?

This teen girl world where cleavage and big purses rule is a foreign land to me. I am not familiar with this place. In fact, I HATE it and I finally understand the fear I saw in my grandmother's face when I went to visit her wearing a tube top and a Farrah Faucet hairstyle in 1979.

Maybe it's just the nature of the beast...teens are supposed to be different from us in order to gain their individuality. But what good will it be if they're all planning to kill eachother?

Normally my kids are not allowed to watch MTV, but the other day the girls were watching a show called Parental Control. The entire plot of this show is for parents who hate their child's boyfriend/girlfriend to interview other people for them to go out with. They choose two people and then watch the dates on TV with the current BF or GF. The comments are insanely belligerent. The boyfriend or girlfriend are nasty, disrespectful and crude...and the parents sit there and TAKE IT! They fight back and forth like teens themselves, which in my opinion is not indicative of what real parents would do.
My husband's head would explode if one of the girls boyfriends talked to him like that. He'd be barely holding it together as he ran upstairs to get the shotgun.

What happened to the good old days when teens actually had a little healthy fear? Now, they want to kick everyone's ass and be a gangster.

I am trying the best way I know how to teach my children differently. My youngest teen daughter decided she was a gangster in 6th grade. She did get her ass kicked. Some girl jumped her and beat her in the head, leaving an egg sized lump. Thankfully her older sister intervened and saved her stupid ass, because it could have turned out a lot worse than it did. And after she got home and got some sympathy because she was in bad shape, we proceeded to ground her to us, her parents, for a year.Not to her room or the house but to us. She didn't go anywhere without us. I believe she hated us for it, but you know, it didn't take long for our little girl to come back and that hateful Barbie gangster wanna be to practically disappear.
Yeah....she and the older one still strike a pose when they're out. They still talk shit about other people. But they're not in you face with it and I see them stop and actually think about it a little before they start running crap out of their pie holes. I guess that's a small improvement.

I'll take what I can get.

*Steps off soapbox*

My husband is cleaning this morning. He said that since I had been so bitchy lately he figured it might make me happy.
????
I've been bitchy?
Wow...I didn't even notice...
Heh...
Who would have thought that being a bitch would work like that? The poor man had NO IDEA what he has done to himself now!!! If I'm a bitch, he will clean???
Christ!!! If I'd only known that before I would have had help with the housework a long time ago.
Now if I can only figure out how to get more sex out of him, I do believe things would be damn near perfect.

I need to get in the shower. The girls will be up any minute and once they're in the bathroom I'll never get in there.

Wish me luck today...I'm gonna need it...LOL

Vodka. It's not just for breakfast anymore...

Today is one of those, "Gee. Would it really be SO BAD if I laid around drunk all day?" days.

My kids are driving crazy. The 16 year old has done nothing but taunt me, mock me, annoy me, badger me, and bait me.
I feel like the smallest, ugliest guppy in the fish bowl with her being the pet store owner with the net.

My son has five gazillion questions I have no idea how to answer. It's stuff like, "Will the people in my class like me?" and "What kind of pencils will everyone else have?"

WTF???

YES! YES! They will ALL like you!!!...
They will ALL have NUMBER 2 PENCILS because that's what it says is required!!!

Ok...so I knew the answers to those questions, but I mean, HELL. After an hour of constant questioning, I'm hearing something that resembles the adult voices in Charlie Brown specials and I flinch at any light source.

Then there is the 14 year old. She is in LOVE... Of course no one else in the world is in love like she is. The cell phone rings CONSTANTLY and the ring tone is some sappy ass love song. I can't stand it. It drives me insane. I'm ready to take the cell phone and smash it into the tiniest bits with a sledge hammer.

Then there is my hubby. He took the day off to HELP me. Let's just say that right now, he's helping me to drink more vodka. I would get smashed outta my gourd right now if I thought for one minute they'd all leave me alone.

But they wouldn't.

They won't.

Good God...I don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of the day. It's not fair you know, them against me. There's more of them than there is me.

The people who were supposed to call me back about the complaint I made yesterday haven't called me yet. Since I'm powerless to stop the home confinement torture, it would be nice to have someone to be bitchy to. I could be very irate if they would only call. I'm sure I would be very convincing. Hell, they might send me her head on a stick after I got through talking. Who knows?

If I didn't have to drive anywhere tonight, I'd be liquored up right now. I need a chauffeur. If I didn't have to worry about my 16 year old driving me somewhere and leaving me in the wilderness to die or be abducted, I'd let her drive me around. But that's not an option. I'm pretty sure I'd end up in some hollow, chained to a trailer as a good breeder with a clan of men straight out of Deliverance.

*sigh*

School starts next week. Dear God just let me last that much longer....

I will be a bitch, but only if it's necessary...

There's been something bothering me.
A couple of weeks ago, I went into a local store to shop. While I was browsing, a customer went up to the manager and complained about an order he had placed that hadn't come in yet. She checked the status on it and when she found the order hadn't even been placed, she apologized and then proceeded to bash the employees and the previous manager. She told the man that she had recently taken over operations at the store because it had been run by idiots before and she was trying to fix everything because of the damage done, etc....

Oh really?

I have been going to this same store for years and I've ordered LOTS of stuff without any problems at all. I hadn't noticed any idiots and furthermore, a lot of those so-called idiots are still working with this woman.

I saw the guy standing in an aisle after she had blathered on and on to him, bashing others in order to cover her ass, and I told him I had shopped there for years and never had a problem. Then I asked him when he placed his order.
He looked at me in a confused manner.
"What's that got to do with anything?", he said.
I asked if he'd placed the order recently and if he had, he should know that this new manager who had to "FIX" everything had been "FIXING" things at the store for a good month already.
"It'd be hard to be someone else's fault if you'd ordered it while she was in charge, wouldn't it?", I said.

He shrugged his shoulders and seemed unconcerned, but it still left a bad taste in my mouth.

I'm sorry. I have a problem with someone bashing other people in order to cover their own ass. So this morning after visiting the store this happened in, I called and complained about it. Every time I've gone in there since this happened, it's all I can think about.
Don't get me wrong...I don't want this lady to lose her job, but someone needs to remind her how to treat employees. She didn't need to bash the people who work for her or who used to work there in order to pacify the customer. It was very unprofessional. I think it was a poor reflection on her and her abilities. I can tell you, I don't feel very confident that she can "FIX" the store if her inability to treat people with respect is an indication of her talent.

So...the corporate people will be calling me back and I will be filing a complaint. I will tell them I don't think she should be fired or demoted, but she does need a lesson on how to talk to people and how to view her employees as human beings. Come on here....she was complaining about them right in front of them!! She acted like they wouldn't hear her or understand what she was saying. I do that in front of my cats or my dog for crying out loud....not other human beings. And I shouldn't even complain about my pets in front of my pets! It's just not right. It's demoralizing.

It may mean that I get treated differently when I go in the store after this and it may even mean that I won't feel comfortable going in this store anymore, but I can't allow someone to treat other people like that. The people who work there need their jobs and they shouldn't have to put up with that kind of treatment.

Gah!I'm hopping off my soap box now...I hate feeling bitchy...

Pulling teeth and saving souls....

Today we make another trip to the dentist. The girls need their teeth cleaned so fortunately I won't have to prostitute myself on the street in order to pay for it. My hubby's meager dental insurance pays for cleanings twice a year, so yay. No sore asshole for me today....

Speaking of prostitution, I stopped by to see the good old mayor yesterday. While I was chatting with him, a nice little old lady came by to see him. She was the sweetest thing and I felt no L.O.W.L.H (little old white lady hate) coming from her. She was really pleasant. So imagine my surprise when the mayor told me about her posting signs near her house, advertising for a man. He said the first couple of signs, he went and took down himself, but the rest he had the police do it. I guess she had been advertising for a man and said she would pay well. I know it didn't mean anything to her but to someone else...well..it sounded like she was soliciting.

I wonder if the policeman he sent was "You Check"?(not the correct spelling, but that's how you pronounce it. He was one of the police officers that Randy asked about on The West Virginia Surf Report. And no, I was not straddling him to fix the mower, it was Elliot AND the entire thing was completely innocent too. It was the way the lawnmower was torn apart in the storage building and we couldn't get to it. I had no other place to stand besides on top of him. Later in the day our deputy sheriff came to help and then he got to help do the dirty work while I mowed.
Anyhow...getting back to "You Check". He goes around and preaches when he is on duty. I mean, it's nice that he is a faithful man and everything, but I don't think he's supposed to do that kind of thing when he's on the clock. He also stops and passes out candy to little kids and asks them who loves them.(He tells them Jesus.)It kind of reminds me of Kojack, except "You Check" has all his hair and he is short..much shorter than Telly Salvalis. Plus there is that vampire alert that goes off when he approaches you and smiles at you, holding a fistful of suckers.

Today is Elderly Hell Day too. I can't believe I scheduled an appointment today. Now this means I have to leave the house and go somewhere THIS MORNING!!! Normally it's not terrible later in the day, but in the morning...well..I'm endangering the lives of my children. On Tuesday mornings,the Florida of West Virginia is one of the most dangerous places on the face of the earth. I'm going to try a different route to get to the interstate, so perhaps I will survive the ordeal. As long as you don't go anywhere near Krogers or the drug stores on Tuesdays, you can remain relatively safe.

I have to go prepare mentally for the perilous journey...wish me luck.

I want to grow more muscles....

I can't stand it. I am not nearly as strong physically as I want to be. It's a horrible feeling when you can't do something you want to do, just because you lack the sheer strength to do it.
I was over to the ball field earlier trying to help Scott fix the riding lawn mower. We needed to replace the belt on it, without the help of a manual and after someone else had already pulled the entire machine apart.
We propped the front wheels up on blocks and went to work. He wove the belt in and out where it needed to go and I made sure the damn thing didn't move. As luck would have it, the only spot to ensure this was on top of where he was laying. I ended up straddling him as he worked and I held the stupid machine still. Occasionally he would bark at me to lift it, which I managed to do.
I'm sure the entire thing was a clown show to be sure.
I ended up coming home, hot...sweaty and irritated.

The guy who has the manual will be back later today and then we can take care of business. The lawns need mowing and they're not going to mow themselves. Perhaps if we knew someone with a herd of goats we could just junk the damn mower?

I have been obsessed with the milk bags Jeff wrote about last week. I keep having flash backs to the glory and milk filled days when I was breast feeding.
You have no idea of the wondrous milk filled machine guns I possessed while nursing. I had only to pop them babies out of the nursing bra and they were squirting milk in all directions. My very own weapons of mammary destruction.
I could shoot my husband from across the room. If he walked around the corner a mere squeeze of the booby and he was covered in milk from head to toe.
I even got the cats, the dog, the unsuspecting neighbor...heh..hehe...
Once when we were living in Base Housing, I stood on one side of the fence while our neighbor stood on the other. I leaned back, whipped the mammary out and pressed on the top and bottom of the milk machine with force. The stream of milk that shot out was a sight indeed. It reached the top of the fence and made it's way over. Then I heard a distinct male voice say, "What the hell?".
I ran laughing hysterically back into my house, soaking myself accidentally with milk.

Good times...good times...

Got milk?

Working at the car wash....

I'm getting ready to leave for WalMart but wanted to share a pic of the car wash. Yep. Thanks to lovable old Sunny, I have a picture of me in action. The next car wash I expect some patrons!!! And no...I will NOT wash your car in an 'ahem' unique manner. It's a fundraiser for kids for crying out loud. I have some self-control you know! I'm not completely corrupt.




I will admit that I am a great carwasher and will do a mighty fine job at it. It's the farm girl physique and years of experience...I've been groomed to be a grade A, class 1 car washer.
HAHAHA!!! Yeah...I even make myself laugh...

That's all I have for now. But who knows? I may have something else to write about later.Something crazy may happen at WalMart. It IS WalMart and this IS West Virginia...ANYTHING could happen.

Heh...

Cops, Robbers and me...

Monday night we went over to clean up the Little League field. There was trash still left from the tournaments in July that had been ripped open and strewn all over the place. Plus there was the nastiest, smelliest bags of rotting grass EVER.
It was completely disgusting.
My partners in crime were two of the finest officers I know. One is a city cop and one is a deputy sheriff.
Big guys..people I feel safe around, you know?
They had loaded most of the ripped open trash by the time I arrived..(fashionably late had it's advantages on this particular day.) Of course the nasty, smelly stuff wasn't loaded though.
One of the men, grabbed a bag of it and started gagging. The other man made his way to the opposite side of the truck.
While I have to admit, it was nasty...very nasty...(think rotting ox carcass filled with horse shit while laying in a swamp and you're getting close to the smell.)..it wasn't THAT nasty. I ended up loading the rest of it while they gagged and shuffled around watching me. Then I got to clean up the maggoty trash laying on the trailer bed that hadn't been picked up yet.They don't do maggots either I guess.
Is it just me or don't they train policemen to deal with the nastier things in life?
I'm not picking on them, really I'm not. I just thought it was funny that the yankee farm girl could tolerate the icky nasties better than the redneck cops.

I really do love the two of them though. Even after they tried to get me to wash the bed of the truck out after they'd dumped the trash...in the nude.

Yeah..right...

Tonight we mow. Mowing and trimming and taking inventory of equipment. Then next week we begin fall ball. Should be pretty fun for the kids and after all, that's why we do this so I'm not complaining about it.
I want the kids to have a good ball program in our city so I will do whatever it takes to help make it happen.

I survived another Elderly Hell day. I didn't have to go out until later in the day so I missed most of them, but there were still a few near misses. I almost got hit by a blue haired lady in a black Lincoln Continental as I was pulling out of the store parking lot and then I nearly got backed into while I was pumping gas at GoMart.
I'm going to invest in one of those orange safety vests for Tuesdays. Maybe some neon stripes I can stick to the old station wagon too. I'm wondering if the guy who painted his house orange here in town, had a different reason for painting it besides the color scheme.
We do live in the Florida of West Virginia...

I have a question...
Should guys shave their feet hair?
Yes?
No?
This is the current debate in my house right now. My daughter says, "Ewww....yes."
But her boyfriend (the one with the hairy feet) says, "No. It'll grow back hairier."

Dear Lord I wish I hadn't heard THAT conversation today. Now how am I supposed to walk past him without STARING at the hairy feet??? He's got big feet too. Like a size 13 shoe...

I get hair on my big toes but it's only like a couple and I pluck them. I bet you were dying to know that huh?

I knew you were...

You know....I wonder if I went along with the truck washing if I could get me a pair of handcuffs with a set of keys? I might have to rethink that whole deal...a girl like me could use some handcuffs occasionally.

*Grin*

Have a nice afternoon. I'm going to run past the feet and clean the bathroom upstairs.

Man poops...another mystery.

Man! What a busy weekend. I ran non-stop Friday morning through Monday night. There were two pool parties, a car wash, dentists appointments and other little details to take care of. The only thing I missed out on was the baby shower I was supposed to hit up Satruday afternoon, but considering the schedule I had, it couldn't be helped. I plan to go visit the mommy to be in person this week and make it up to her.

The car wash on Saturday was particularly entertaining. Randy became my partner in crime. He called and lured Mark into coming down with tales of me washing cars in an unusual manner while wearing a white tank top. HAHAHA! I wasn't actually doing that and my tank top was black but you know whatever works. I had a chance to abuse him a little bit and that's all that matters. he does get so much enjoyment out of my abuse on the WVSR, I can't help but want to get him back.
I was told I could drink with them later on in the day but had the Little League pool party to go to. Besides, I would have been worried about the end result of getting boozed up with them, so let's just say I got in a few digs, left it at that and our battle of wits continues.

I did find another new drinking partner. Billy ended up having his business trucks come through to be washed, which was very generous of him and Sunny. When one of his employees asked which one of the four women standing around was his wife, he told him it was doing all the talking. Well..we were all talking. We're women damnit. It's our job to talk. So Peanut spoke up and said we were all his wives. His harem...LOL. I immediately told him I'd take care of his drinking needs and leave the rest to the other women.
I think he was pretty happy and relieved at that...hahaha. I'm a lot of fun to drink with and I drink safely. I always safety pin my underwear to my clothes because it's much harder to undress while intoxicated. I have no desire to get arrested for indecent exposure ever again..er...I mean ever...

My hubby did come to help out.It was nice to have him there and he was a big help washing cars. Plus it was very entertaining to watch him do it (although watching him in the nude would have been better...heh..heh).
In the middle of the say he said he had to leave and he'd be right back. When I asked him where he was going he said he needed to go home and poop.
Poop?
Ok...so I don't get this.
There was a bathroom right there. Why not just poop in that one?
So I polled some of the other men there and asked them, if you need to poop and your close enough to go home and do it,do you go all the way home to do it?
"Definitely," they all told me.
I'm stumped.
Why drive home when there's a perfectly good toilet near by?
No one would explain it to me.
So I'm speculating that maybe it's because men are spoiled. They can stand up and pee anywhere and everywhere, where as women have to sit every time they go. I think that might have a lot to do with it.
They actually get in a lot more visual time when it comes to toilets too. I mean, I glance at it and if there's a paper thingy to put on the seat, I flip it on there and drop my pants. Sit...go...wipe...flush and pull up my pants. Finished. It's pretty cut and dry.
I've watched the hubby go. He watches where it's going the entire time he's peeing. I swear he was trying to write his name or some shit too. Anyway, my point is that he's looking at the toilet the entire time he's going. I think maybe he's more of a critic when it comes to toilets and where he wants to park his ass because he thinks about it too much.
He even admitted there is a certain stall he uses to poop at work. I guess it's a habit thing or a security thing.
Maybe a guy feels vulnerable when they're sitting down to poop?
Maybe they're worried about someone busting through the bathroom door and seeing them?
I don't know...it's a mystery to me.
When I got to go, I go. I'm not worried about who's going to see me, hear me or smell me.
I always thought these were manly traits, but now I'm worried. If men are so anal about where they poop (no pun intended) then where do I get my Neanderthal habits from? I know it's not a womanly trait because I have friends who say they've never farted in front of anyone before and one of them even claims to have never farted.(Yeah right...I bet she blows one off after another when she's sleeping. I'd love to tape record it.)
And I have several friends who carry little bottles of Febreeze in their purses in case they need to poop somewhere so no one will know they pooped.

Pooping is natural. What's the big deal?

If anyone can shed some light on the whole man pooping thing, let me know. I'm curious as hell. I think it's right up there with the holding your nuts thing when you see some other guy get kicked or slapping each other on the ass while doing manly sport things. It's yet another mystery about the male race I'll never be able to comprehend...

Howling is for week nights....

I'm feeling better. My mouth pain index is improving and I'm feeling much better....really I am. I can actually drink coffee now without hopping around and yelping like a coyote in heat. I'm almost feeling normal.

I was reading some of my friends pages on my other blog when I came across this...



These friends of mine are sneaky I tell you. You never know when they're going to pull the camera out and snap an 'ahem' flattering picture. I look like I'm drunk,(which I'm not)and I'm pretty sure they were trying to get a picture of the rib meat stuck in my teeth.
But that's ok.
Tomorrow we are all working together at a car wash. I think I might be able to get some great butt shots. Maybe I can get a few pics of me giving them the old, lick em on the side of the face, surprise. Having an incredibly long tongue, I can stand next to them and pose for a picture, only to shoot the tongue out at the last minute and make the picture even more special...HAHAHA!

I have a pool party fundraiser tonight...car wash tomorrow, then baby shower, then another pool party...

Sunday...I will BBQ and drink Tammie Twisters... Sometime in there I'm going to have to see if I can locate Mark and do some ass kicking, but I'm sure I can stop by the Brotherton's Saturday night and find him there...slightly intoxicated and ready for a whupping...

Ah....sounds like I have something to look forward to this weekend.

I already checked to make sure all my stuff would squish into my bathing suit,stay where it's supposed to stay, so that's covered. I did the "Oh my God is there a squirrel in your bathing suit" check...shaved what needed to go and Voila'! I'm ready to take on two pool parties in one weekend...

Unfortunately there will be no alcohol involved but a woman has got to suck it up sometimes and do what a woman has to do...you know...wear a bathing suit in public while sober.

I know...I know...it'll be tough but I think I can get through it.

Hope everyone else has a good weekend and I'm praying my stalkers won't get any more pictures of me without my consent. I can't help it that they love me so, but I think I should at least be aware of their obsession...hahahahaha... I mean, who wouldn't want a picture of me with meat in my teeth?

Medication...schmedication...what has it done for me lately?

This medication sucks the big hairy one. I'm not kidding. I am still in pain, I'm just dizzy and incoherent now that I've taken the damn stuff. Bleh..there has been no pain relief...NONE!!!
I figured that if I broke down and took the meds, I'd get some relief. I'd be able to drink a cup of coffee without screaming loud enough to break windows and maybe, MAYBE, I'd get something to eat today. But no...chewing is still not an option.
And I'm hungry!!! It's been several days without real food and I'm ready to eat something.
I read about Tiff's bagels this morning and drooled so much I look like a teething baby. I could have my own wet t-shirt contest.

So I'm in a bad mood. I'm hungry and in pain and dizzy. Oh yeah...then there is the issue about not being allowed to drink alcohol while taking this useless medication.
THAT really pisses me off. Of course I won't do it because I'm smarter than that, (really I am even though it seems like I'm not)...so I've decided I'm going to have to stop taking the pain meds so I can drink.

Ok...so not really. I'm just upset that the pain meds are doing nothing for me. I hate taking pain meds anyway. Especially USELESS pain meds...

I need to make phone calls today and make sure people know about an event on Saturday night. Apparently a few people who were supposed to call people have not called anyone about it and since I'm the dope that organized it, I need to double check and call people.

Should be interesting, considering my speech is jacked up due to all this mouth pain.

Yep...so this is all I got today. I'm too dizzy and pissed off to think about anything else.

One last thing...THIS DIDN'T WORK FOR ME...

I tried # 6 several, SEVERAL times over the last 24 hours and it doesn't work...it was just a short distraction. No real pain relief...
Who knows? Maybe I'll give them all another shot...right now I'm planning on # 5 and then # 8.

OH yeah...this post has been written courtesy of # 10...thank you and have a nice day...

Gums...the new goal for me...

I'd like to pull all the teeth out of my head. Damn things. They're no good to me anyway. I could stand a set of false ones...teeth..just teeth.
I have an impacted wisdom tooth and two abscessed teeth. Bottom ones, on opposite sides. Do you have any idea how hard it is to eat anything?
I say fuck it.
Pull em all.
Give me the freedom to walk without teeth. I can think of one particular activity I enjoy doing with my husband where teeth are not necessary and sometimes get in the way.
I think the ability to remove them suckers would make it all a more pleasurable experience for both of us.

I'm kind of bitchy you know.
Mainly it's because of all the pain I'm in. But I'm also pissed off too. I mean, I brush and floss constantly. I'm not a slacker on my dental health. And then look where it got me.
Nowhere....
STUPID TEETH!!!

This medication is messing with my head. I feel dizzy and not in a good dizzy kind of way. I think I might need to lie down. I'll have to get back to you and finish my rant later...

Family...one more reason to drink...

I was planning to write about my family yesterday. I gave it some intense thought and then became worried.
How do I explain the Swedish aspect of it? Then I found THIS! I think I had posted this before on my other blog, but it can't be helped...this explains everything you need to know about me and my clan...




My family is a rowdy bunch indeed. We are like most families I suppose and there are a few key things that will occur at our family gatherings. Everyone has at least one family member who will indulge a little too much and become obnoxious or insane. But in my family, we have one or two black sheep who will NOT indulge and become obnoxious or insane. In fact, they will remain reasonably sane and take pictures to use for blackmail purposes later. My one cousin hasn't had a paying job, ever and lives quite comfortably on the blackmail profit. Lives on the coast in Maine, great place.
That reminds me, I need to get his check to him..
Anyway...getting back to the dirt on the family...
I have a rather large extended family. We all migrate north every summer around the fourth of July and celebrate for two weeks straight. While the banned Ikea commercial accurately portrays most of our celebrations, there are a few things that are indigenous to Maine and the way of life there as well.
There are several things that occur every day I'm home visiting just because they are a Maine thing and I've done it this way my entire life....

1. There is always a Red Sox game on TV. It's just something everyone does in northern Maine and if there's not a Red Sox game on or a re-run of a Red Sox game (which they do broadcast constantly), then we watch the Yankees play, but only if they're getting their asses kicked. Occasionally, someone will call and tell us to turn the channel to see how bad the Yankees are losing. It's a sickness I know, but the entire family is sick. It's pure music to my ear to hear my Nana cuss the umpire for making bad calls on her Manny. My favorite is Varitek. My son's is Manny too.My brother's boys like Coco. It seems that everyone has their favorite. I own no less than five Red Sox shirts and three caps, and that's just me. Anyway, my family is a little obsessed with the Red Sox. It's a normal part of our day, like morning coffee and taking a dump. This is a ritual with my family and one I am very proud to admit to...heh

2. Alcohol. My family likes to drink. We are big drinkers and it's an unwritten rule that you can't eat a red hot dog unless you drink a beer with it.
Then there is another rule that says you can't drink too many beers without having a little Vodka to purify your system. After all, all that beer and red dye might be a little bad for you, so some crystal clear Vodka is bound to help. Then of course if you want to have a little soda later in the day, Vodka really isn't the best mixer, so you need to have a couple fifths of Canadian Club with some Ginger Ale. It's a vicious cycle but one my family has adapted to rather well.

3. Nudity. Someone always ends up with their clothes off. Maybe it's the third CC and Ginger Ale after a day of hot dogs and Budweiser, or maybe it's just the desire to jump in the lake and swim in the buff. One uncle liked to howl at the moon when it was full and said howling couldn't be properly done with clothes one. Whatever the reason, we all at one time or another have had our clothes off for some reason. I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing, except for that one aunts naked cart wheels..I didn't know boobs could touch your toes like that....but other than that, it's just been a fun way to release some inhibition.

4. We all eat fluffanutters. That is the lunch food of champions. Peanut butter and Fluff on white bread. Sometimes there is Raspberry Fluff. That's my personal favorite. I normally buy a case of it and take home with me, along with fiddleheads, which my Nana picks and cans for us to eat with new potatoes when we come home in the summer.

5. Moose. There are moose everywhere. Plus they are a hazard when you're driving. here is a picture I took of a Moose right on the side of the road as we were driving about a mile from my Nana's house....



This is a relatively small moose. I think it may have been a young cow or a male calf who had just separated from his mother. I was almost run over by a moose once while riding down a hill on my ten speed bike. The moose came out of the woods running across the road (they don't look before they cross )...It was huge. It stood at least six feet tall and probably weighed 700 or 800 pounds. I slammed on my brakes to avoid it and ended up sliding on my side almost beneath it. It kept running like it hadn't even seen me and disappeared into the woods. I ended up with a twisted wheel and my right half shredded to bits by the road. I was 13 I think.

Yeah...moose are an every day thing when I'm home in Maine.

I can mention lots of other things that are common where I grew up, but I think I've given everyone enough to think about today. I need to save something for the next time I write in here, right?

Right now..I'm going to go call my Nana. I'm sure she'll tell me all about the Sox game last night against the Orioles...the Red Sox won 5-4 but I can guarantee some umpire pissed her off...LOL