I feel pretty....

Do I really have to explain?

Boobs...boobs...who has the boobs?

This morning in my haste to drink coffee before fully opening my eyes, I got up and came bounding down the stairs. Much to the horror of the paper boy, who was standing directly in front of my front door, my boob flopped out of my tank top and into plain view.
Now I'm not talking about a cute flop, like flopsy, mopsy and cottontail. I'm talking about the kind of flop a slab of whale blubber would make if peeled off the side of Moby Dick.
My boobs are not getting any younger you know. And after nursing four kids while driving..(in the front seat) while my babies mainly rode in car seats (in the back seat)...ummm...(yeah, that's right, you're getting a mental picture now aren't you?) my boobs are floppy in a bad way.
The paper boy will probably end up with an A cup woman because this crazy fear of big flopping breasts will follow him for the rest of his life.
I'm only grateful that he didn't go home and tell his Holy Roller mother because then I would be treated to a burning cross this evening,adorned with Playtex Cross Your Heart bras while women in polyester dresses and houseshoes chanted and made threats of my imminent descent into hell.

I love living in the Bible belt...

Yep...I'm thinking I need a coffee maker in the bedroom...

Ass head....

I don't know what's wrong with me today. I have a billion things to do but I can't seem to get my head out of my ass.
Brown...
Blink..Blink..
Yep...dark, brown, wait! Is that a ray of sun?
Nope..I think it's a piece of corn.

Yeah...I am completely in the dark here. I have deadlines that are looming on the horizon and I'm getting worried.

I said to hell with it and went to the pool yesterday, even though I had stuff to do. It was nice but not great. Plus I got a sunburn. That really sucked. I never get a sunburn but since I had that cocky I never get a sunburn attitude, I didn't wear sunscreen or at least I was pretty slack about it and now I have a stupid sunburn.

Maybe that's my problem? I'm drained because the sun baked my brain along with my back.

Yeah...well anyway, since I can't think much today, that's all I have for you.

Bleh...corn...

Orange is pretty...

My husband is a very white person. He is pale and doesn't tan easily. So I concocted this plan to tan him without his knowledge. He enjoys having lotion rubbed on him so I just bought some self tanner and voila', he has color.
Does he know about this?
Nope.
Does this make me a bad wife?
Nah.
"So what will you do if the self tanner turns him orange?", you ask...
He drinks carrot juice so I got that covered.

Yeah..that's right. I'm brilliant. Don't fear me though, I know how to stay real people..

The Wayne.....

I know this is crazy but I'm starting another blog. It's just that there are a lot of people who read my other blog who know me personally. I mean, I'm not hiding in here or anything but there are some people who I'd rather not have knowing everything about me.
I have issues with a few people and they're not really bad, but I still need to vent about it and I feel somewhat limited by my ability to say what's really on my mind in my other blog.

Having said that let me splain about The Wayne.

I'm really disturbed. I have pondered over the entire thing to make sure I'm not making a mountain out of a molehill and I still come to the same conclusion.

Wayne wants my husband.

He has been friends with my husband for ten years longer than I've been with my husband which for those of you who can't follow along with my crazy logic, is 27 years.

They were best buds in high school but as soon as they graduated and Wayne started getting a little attention from some chick named Laura, my husband was history. They parted ways and Wayne even moved away to another state, not keeping contact with him at all for, oh...let's say almost 13 years.

So that means technically I have known my husband longer than this Wayne dude. And what the f**k is the point in this anyway? I keep asking myself this because my hubby and I have fought more about this issue than anything else.

I am not jealous of Wayne nor do I have a problem with him and my hubby being buds. I don't care and I think it's great. I just don't want to be part of it all and I resent the attitude I'm getting from my old man regarding the whole thing. I'm not allowed to say anything that may even hint of disliking something about the Wayne.

The Wayne...heh heh heh

I mean, I don't care about hubby's attitude or dislike of my friends. I realize he's not going to like everything about them. That's normal and I don't care. As long as he doesn't tell me to stop hanging out with them, I'm OK with it.
The problem with The Wayne is that my hubby places him on some pedestal. Then when I'm not offering up a sacrificial lamb and worshiping The Wayne as he does, it's considered treason or blasphemy.

The arguments come in when I refuse to be bullied when it comes to The Wayne. I was expected to stop my life for three days because The Wayne had a project and had to be at our house using the computer and stuff.When I mentioned that a friend of one of our kids had a project at school due and I'd promised her she could use the computer, The Wayne made an issue about it and asked my hubby if I was upset about him being at the house.

WTF?

Needless to say, my offering someone else besides The Wayne the use of our computer turned into a full blown argument and I ended up going off somewhere by myself while The Wayne stayed home with my man, smug and victorious.

I cringe to think that when the kids have all grown up and left the house, it will be me, my husband and The Wayne.

On a side note, let me mention that I used to like Hey Arnold but The Wayne reminds me of an overweight, adult version and I can't stand to watch it now.

The irony? I didn't have a problem with The Wayne. It's actually only developed from the attitude my husband has taken with me over it all.

Oh yeah...The Wayne has never been married, isn't dating and spends all his free time with my hubby...they stay out as late at 3 or 4 in the morning (which if I did, my hubby would throw the biggest shit fit you've ever seen)...but it's OK for him to stay out that late because it's with The Wayne.

F**k The Wayne...

That's what I say...

Of course the whole The Wayne thing did come to a head and things with The Wayne have been somewhat resolved. I seriously thought about giving the old man an ultimatum.... either it's me or The Wayne. But then I figured that I'd better not try it...just in case. No other dude would have me,(my insanity is tolerated with time) so I figured I'd better crawl out of my ass world and figure out a new plan.An ultimatium is not the way to go.

So I thought about crying my way into my man's sympathy, but no...this was not the way to go.He is too doped up on meds for it to fully effect him. So then I thought about seducing him with my lusciousness...but no...he is recovering from back surgery! It would cripple him for life if I tried to do the nasty with him.

So I broke down and did what any mature woman would do. I gave him the silent treatment.

That didn't work by the way. I mean really, what man wouldn't rejoice at getting the silent treatment?

What I REALLY did is talk to him. Plain and simple. I asked him why he was so freaked out over The Wayne..(and contrary to what you might think, I did not slip up and refer to The Wayne as The Wayne in front of my hubbster)

He got angry at first and then after thinking things over, he admitted he was overly protective of The Wayne and should be less paranoid about whether I say things or not.

So that's how THAT went.

What I'm wondering now is this....is the issue with The Wayne really been resolved or will it rear it's ugly head again?

Stay tuned as we find out....